Monday, April 15, 2013

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS TRYNG TO KILL YOU !


Back after an whole year - life's shittiest year but I got out of it alive and am back children! So, my logical question is - Does anyone still reads this?? Damn! But anyways, I am awesome so I am sure my 'fans' (all 3 of them) wouldnt have forgotten me :) .

Getting back to the post -

Are you in a relationship right now? If you arent, God bless you. If you are .. and you are a guy - God save your sorry ass! Read this and if your answer to most of the points is a resounding 'Yes', you are fucked! Big time!

What I am about to reveal is a very dark secret. The following points can be identified with a lot of girlfriends but I shall reveal how they are actually a PLOY to highly stress you out and watch you die! Sit back and read... if you dont have a weak heart.

Enjoy:

1) SHE CALLS OFTEN AND TALKS RANDOM SHIT

She calls everyday or worse, more than 1 time a day. And she talks the most random shit possible such as the number of flowers on her new awesome dress. Or may be how she went to a mall with her friends, clicked some pics in the loo (Everytime!) and wants you to look at them.

If shes doing that and you increasingly feel that you are nothing more than her listener dog, BEWARE! Its a fuckin ploy! She wants to turn you into a freaking Zombie who will just listen and listen and listen without ever applying brains or giving opinions or better still, speak.

Surely, shes trying to kill you!

2) SHE IS A "HIJACKER"

You have some issue and want to discuss with her? Something about her that irks you? Go on.. call her and say it. If she responds with "Hmm. Good you brought this up. I will work on it." - shes a damn keeper! But if her response is- "How can you say this? You only never understood me! Dont you know how much I love you?" - she is what I would like to call - a HIJACKER. One who hijacks YOUR issues and turn them into hers. Frankly, she should be complimented for having this vicious power. Ofcourse, if you are as dumb as a rabbit trying to fuck an elephant, you will fall for it and spend your whole time pacifying her.

The ploy is that she is using the "guilt trip" to make you feel bad about self. Once the seed is planted in your little brain, you will feel guilty even to think about some issue you have. Eventually, you'll stop thinking about your issues and become a numb ass. Notice how the word 'numb-ass' rhymes with dumbass. Yeah..same thing my boy. Same thing.

3) GETTING OFFENDED

You used to be funny. And sarcastic. And used to take life non-seriously. Well, if she tells you that its offensive, you are in for some tough luck!

Girls take life seriously. Very seriously! And you, being the smartass you are, will surely make a sarcastic comment on any of her "serious problem" someday. Now, if she replies with a smart and sarcastic answer, MARRY HER! But chances of that happening are less than those of Rakhi Sawant addressing the UN General Assembly on 15th August.

She will get offended. You will feel guilty about it. You will stop being a carefree, funny guy. And voila! You are screwed!

Remember, guys often use humor to de-stress themselves from all the bullshittery that happens around them in offices, homes, cricket stadiums etc. Not every guy can be as funny as the Disgruntled Genius here, but everyone has that funny streak. If the "art" of humor is taken away, guys are as interesting as the video of a panda eating leaves whole day on Nat Geo.

The ploy? You lose your humor, and eventually your life. And the day that happens, the only humor remaining in your life will be when your girlfriend is laughing at your stupidity and you join her in that.

4) HER IDOLS

Be very careful about the people he idolises. As a norm, every girl will idolise women of substance such as Kiran Bedi. Look for her "uncommon" idols.

For example, if a chick idolises Rahul Gandhi (for politics, not looks), start preparing a break-up strategy. Chances are she will keep on saying things about her idol and your counter-points will be dismissed (refer to the above points 2 & 3). You will have no choice but to "like" her idol. This will stifle you and put you under stress.

So, if her idol is Tushar Kapoor, it surely cant  be good for your heart!

----

Science has proved that women live longer than men. But who knew that girlfriends actually deliberately work on a ploy to kill you off! I have revealed a dark secret here and will surely be attracting death threats from women organizations. But you........ SAVE YOURSELF!

Thank me later!

If I have left out some points, feel free to contribute.      






8 comments:

niyati said...

Welcome back Disgruntled Genius! Missed you here :)

And BTW.... screw you for outing our secret !

aashish aryan said...

You sir, are the last hope for Humanity.
Welcome back.

RISHIJA SINGH said...

hehe...now that you know what's in our mind...we are screwed!!

Btw loved esp the panda, rakhi nd rabbit wala lines ;) plus I hope ur girlfriend is not a killing machine ;)

Ajinkya said...

Thank god! you are back, really missed you man. Rabbits and pandas, really mind blasting !!!

Ajinkya said...

Thank god! you are back, really missed you man. Rabbits and pandas, really mind blasting !!!

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS said...

@Ajinkya

Thanks man ! Glad to be back to my beloved sarcasm ;)

Anonymous said...

Amazing....
Hillarious.. take a bow dude! :D

Gaurav Waghmare said...

Thanks for saving me from future attempts of high level planned, torturous assassination