Tuesday, February 28, 2012

SECRET DIARY OF SACHIN TENDULKAR

(This is a post I wrote for Campusghanta.com)

Aila ! What is happening? Sachin seems to have lost his mojo completely. He is looking like a man under tremendous pressure - all coz of the 100th ton. But what does the man himself have to say about it?

Disgruntled Genius caught hold of God's Secret Diary. Heres the latest entry :

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS REVEALS :

(Link Redirects to 'Campusghanta.com')

http://www.campusghanta.com/2012/02/27/the-secret-diary-of-sachin/

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Aila and Out !

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

HOW TO HANDLE ARRANGED MARRIAGE 'MEETINGS' ?


Meeting a stranger for an "Arranged Marriage Meeting".

We young Indians are familiar with this 'hellish' experience. Why hellish? Because its a waste of time really. Meeting creepy & irksome strangers when you know you dont wanna marry for time being can be ridiculously painful on the senses.



We all have asked the question - How to turn this hellish thing into a fun event (Disclaimer: Fun..only for you..not the other party *wink*) ? And have we found the answer? Majority of us havent. But I have. And thats why, as part of my social service campaign, I am proud to present:

HOW TO HANDLE THESE MEETINGS
(A Kickass 'Guide' by Disgruntled Genius)

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(1) COMPLETELY DERANGED ANSWERS

Never out of fashion. Imagine meeting some strange(r) chick. When she asks whether there will be any issue if she works after marriage, display an annoying happiness and reply - "Ofcourse not! Infact, I would want you to work. That way, I can quit my job and devote time to my passion of internet surfing!" There can be a whole lot of deranged answers (for both guys & chicks) which can be 'carpet-bombed' at the right time & moment. Some examples:

Do you know how to cook?
Ofcourse! Give me a packet of Maggi and watch me unleash the chef inside me!

No, I meant- can you cook proper food.. other than Maggi?
Na! But I am a keen observer. I can observe your mom cooking dinner whole day.. for years ;)

Beta, whats your salary?
Umm... Legal or illegal? Waise, if I combine these two, I earn enough to easily bribe everyone and work my way out of jail ;)

Do you drink or smoke?
-Ofcourse not! I dont drink or smoke. You see.... I drink AND smoke ;)

Acha, I drink occasionally. Will you have a problem with that after marriage?
- Only if I am not sloshed myself!

So, what are your hobbies?
- Am crazy about watching animals have sex on Animal Planet! Especially Elephants!
- I love clicking pictures of people in compromising positions. And I put them on FB. Its a gift.
- I have a fetish for objects that burn easily. Especially houses. BTW, Do you own a house?
- Singing. In bathrooms. Doesnt matter whose bathroom it is.

etc

You get the gist.

(2) SUPER BORING OR ANNOYINGLY CHIRPY

Be the extreme. Either be such a bore that other person would find a dead rabbit more entertaining than you. Or be such an annoying chirpy person that the other person would want to kill you.

(3) DANGEROUS CONFESSIONS

Always works. Confess to things that would make you look much more psychotic than Rakhi Sawant on drugs. For example:

-I used to be a psycho. I am OK now. Although the police is still scared of me.
- I have had several affairs. Equally distributed over various religions, castes... and species.
- I used to be a serial killer. I got bored as police couldnt find a clue against me! I am OK now.

(4) CREEPY BEHAVIOR

Always the best! For example:

-Keep staring at a wall while the other person talks. Tell them you think its the wall that leads to Hogwarts.. Harry Potter style ;)

-When alone with the person, constantly interrupt them to 'answer' imaginary questions. Tell them that you are talking to your invisible 'friend' side-by-side.

-Keep reminding the other person that the world will end on 21st Dec 2012 according to the Mayans.

A variation of the creepy behavior is the super cheesy behavior. Works best for guys. Keep staring at the girl in Prem Chopra style. Tell her that your favorite 'hero' is Prem Chopra. Narrate some Prem Chopra dialogues like "Agar tumhe bhagwaan ke liye chor doonga toh main kya karoonga?"

You get the gist.

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While the above steps will surely invite some scolding from your folks, trust me, they will add some spice to the meeting.

So go out and enjoy selves.

An important message for girls though:
Have fun. Follow these steps. Be happy. And thank me by mailing me or 'twittering' your numbers. All part of the social service initiative by Disgruntled Genius ;)

C H E E R S

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Other 'marriage' posts:


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Friday, February 10, 2012

7 BETTER THINGS TO DO THIS 14TH FEB

Heres a post I wrote for 'Campusghanta' - an online conglomeration of lazy 'crusaders against stupidity'.

7 Better Things to Do this Valentine's Day:

( Link )

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Disclaimer: Not for the overtly romantic Karan Johar-ish type souls. May disturb them mentally ;)

Monday, February 6, 2012

CONFESSIONS OF A DISGRUNTLED GENIUS

THE 'HATE' SERIES - PART 1

'Hate' is a big word / phrase. Whoever uses this, is termed as being 'judgmental'. You know what I believe? When you 'hate' someone/ something, you filter out the stupidity from your life. You dont want to listen to or give second chance to something or someone you 'hate'. Thats why its such a useful term and those who say that using it makes you 'judgmental' - are fuckin losers who cant take strong mental decisions.


I hate,

for starters, parents whose small kids create ruckus in planes or trains or any other public place. If you people cant make your children behave in public places, its a statement on YOU- YOUR capabilities as a rational human being. Take a cue from foreigners. While their children respect individual rights, privacy and the sanctity of monuments all around, your children litter around and disturb others. You are bloody weak mentally if you cant even control your own damn children.

I hate

those who listen music loudly in public places. Technological retards dont know about simple something called - EARPHONES. Whenever I encounter such retards, I just want to fire laser guided missiles at their sorry asses.

I hate

preachy people. If you think that you can take the high moral road by preaching those 'values' to others which you dont follow yourself.. you are mistaken buddy. I DONT GIVE A SHIT about your 'preachings'.

I hate

people who think that 'not talking' is equal to 'showing attitude'. Look you attention seeking douchebags- I dont want to strike useless conversations with you on planes and trains. I just wanna enjoy my journey so I keep quiet or better- play games/ watch movies on my ipad. For me, striking useless conversations is bullshit. So, if you think that am someone with "attitude", help yourself. Just keep your useless blabber to self.

I hate

Justin Bieber haters. The case is simple people. I dont like Bieber at all. And I 'prove' that by not giving a fuck about him. But what to say about those who write lengthy blogposts or tweet about how much they hate him? You clearly have too much time on your hands!

I hate

really smug people. So, you own a sea-facing bungalow, an Audi and your undergarments are made of solid gold. Still, if you have no brains, you are useless. Instead of being 'floored' by your smugness, I will simply call up the Tax Dept and watch happily as you are fucked by Tax sleuths.

I hate

chicks who are adults but still behave like barbie-loving sweeties. These are the ones who are found writing "Alle! I didnt know ki you require a confirmed ticket to travel in train! Hehe Silly me! Solly !" and things like that on facebook. Look you morons.. if you are in your fucking 20s but still dont know a shit about the real world, dont think that your uber-"cuteness" will fetch you respect from me. On the contrary, I will view you as a retarded liability on this world.

P.S. I also hate those gay douchebag guys who 'like' these messages and post comments like "Aww sweetey! How cute!"

I hate

.. to end abruptly. But well, ...

. to be continued. Still plenty of things remain that I hate!!