Meeting a stranger for an "Arranged Marriage Meeting".
We young Indians are familiar with this 'hellish' experience. Why hellish? Because its a waste of time really. Meeting creepy & irksome strangers when you know you dont wanna marry for time being can be ridiculously painful on the senses.
We all have asked the question - How to turn this hellish thing into a fun event (Disclaimer: Fun..only for you..not the other party *wink*) ? And have we found the answer? Majority of us havent. But I have. And thats why, as part of my social service campaign, I am proud to present:
HOW TO HANDLE THESE MEETINGS
(A Kickass 'Guide' by Disgruntled Genius)
(1) COMPLETELY DERANGED ANSWERS
Never out of fashion. Imagine meeting some strange(r) chick. When she asks whether there will be any issue if she works after marriage, display an annoying happiness and reply - "Ofcourse not! Infact, I would want you to work. That way, I can quit my job and devote time to my passion of internet surfing!" There can be a whole lot of deranged answers (for both guys & chicks) which can be 'carpet-bombed' at the right time & moment. Some examples:
Do you know how to cook?
Ofcourse! Give me a packet of Maggi and watch me unleash the chef inside me!
No, I meant- can you cook proper food.. other than Maggi?
Na! But I am a keen observer. I can observe your mom cooking dinner whole day.. for years ;)
Beta, whats your salary?
Umm... Legal or illegal? Waise, if I combine these two, I earn enough to easily bribe everyone and work my way out of jail ;)
Do you drink or smoke?
-Ofcourse not! I dont drink or smoke. You see.... I drink AND smoke ;)
Acha, I drink occasionally. Will you have a problem with that after marriage?
- Only if I am not sloshed myself!
So, what are your hobbies?
- Am crazy about watching animals have sex on Animal Planet! Especially Elephants!
- I love clicking pictures of people in compromising positions. And I put them on FB. Its a gift.
- I have a fetish for objects that burn easily. Especially houses. BTW, Do you own a house?
- Singing. In bathrooms. Doesnt matter whose bathroom it is.
You get the gist.
(2) SUPER BORING OR ANNOYINGLY CHIRPY
Be the extreme. Either be such a bore that other person would find a dead rabbit more entertaining than you. Or be such an annoying chirpy person that the other person would want to kill you.
(3) DANGEROUS CONFESSIONS
Always works. Confess to things that would make you look much more psychotic than Rakhi Sawant on drugs. For example:
-I used to be a psycho. I am OK now. Although the police is still scared of me.
- I have had several affairs. Equally distributed over various religions, castes... and species.
- I used to be a serial killer. I got bored as police couldnt find a clue against me! I am OK now.
(4) CREEPY BEHAVIOR
Always the best! For example:
-Keep staring at a wall while the other person talks. Tell them you think its the wall that leads to Hogwarts.. Harry Potter style ;)
-When alone with the person, constantly interrupt them to 'answer' imaginary questions. Tell them that you are talking to your invisible 'friend' side-by-side.
-Keep reminding the other person that the world will end on 21st Dec 2012 according to the Mayans.
A variation of the creepy behavior is the super cheesy behavior. Works best for guys. Keep staring at the girl in Prem Chopra style. Tell her that your favorite 'hero' is Prem Chopra. Narrate some Prem Chopra dialogues like "Agar tumhe bhagwaan ke liye chor doonga toh main kya karoonga?"
You get the gist.
While the above steps will surely invite some scolding from your folks, trust me, they will add some spice to the meeting.
So go out and enjoy selves.
An important message for girls though:
Have fun. Follow these steps. Be happy. And thank me by mailing me or 'twittering' your numbers. All part of the social service initiative by Disgruntled Genius ;)
C H E E R S
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