Monday, March 28, 2011

ITS JUST A SIMPLE COFFEE, STUPID !


Writing after a long time. I would like to tell you the real reason (laziness) but well.. was deep in work plus mental fuck-ups. Anyhow..

*Drumrolls , claps , whistles*

DG is back!

So well, lets come to the irritants at hand - the 'elite' coffee shops & big departmental store chains. Now, I dont really have a problem with a CCD, Costa or Barista. I like them for the choices they offer. What rub me the wrong way are the so called super elite 5-star coffee shops.

I recently happened to visit 2 coffee shops in 5 stars just for the heck of it. I knew that I will be spending 250 bucks on something which I will get for 75 at CCD .. and almost free at home. But well, there were three reasons in my mind for doing that -

  • Gettin a super-up-the-ass elitist feel
  • Sitting and watching Delhi's hottest high flying "birds"
  • My Amitabh Bachchan style "Pratigya" (Promise)
Confused with the 3rd one? Well, when I was a kid and I used to pass by the diplomatic area of Chankyapuri, I used to look at those 5 stars and say to myself in Amitabh style - "One day ! One day I will have coffee in these holy mother of all hotels" . You see? Thats why I say kids are morons.

Anyhow, I entered that thing and well, no points on ambiance. Its a 5 star dude. Ambiance HAS to be kickass. I went to the counter and asked for a Cappuccino. The guy at the counter was amazing. He had a look on his face which confirmed he was feeling as smug about working at that place as Dhoni will feel after winning the WC.

Our convo. went something like this -

Smug dude (SD) - Sir, we have 12 different types of Cappuccinos. What will you prefer?

Me - Iski Maa ki. Upto now, I was thinking that Cappuccino is a type of coffee. Saala! this place has 12 types.. of a type. Anyhow, give me the simplest and normal-est cappuccino. I just wanna sit and read. Nothin fancy.

SD - Sir, would you like cream or milk? Or both ?
Me - Milk. Thanks.

SD - Sir, we have toned, double toned, low fat, skimmed and a special Switzerland milk. Which one will you have?
Me (20% irritated now) - WTF is a special Swiss milk? Is it "black" milk?

SD (smiling smugly thereby increasing my irritation to 45%) - No sir! We have specialised farms in Switzerland where we rear special breed of cows. Then we add preservatives ...
Me (interrupting the dude) - Look! Just add Amul. I dont give a buffalo's ass for your Swiss cows man !

SD: Sir, would you like some choco cream in that ?
Me (70% irritated and on the verge of pulling my hair off) - Yes! Thanks.

SD: Sir, which type of ..
Me: Abe ! Kuch bhi chalega ! Dairy milk, Swiss chocolate, American, Russian .. even Pakistani ! Just add the damn thing!

SD: Sir .. one more question.
Me (100% irritated , 25% mad , 5% ready to buy a gun and shoot the guy): Fuck the coffee! I'll tell you what Eric Cartman tells to the world - "Screw you guys! I am goin home."

And I came back. Had a nice homemade coffee and lived my life peacefully!


Part - 2 : Big Departmental chains (BDCs)

Fine. I get it. BDCs have good variety under the same roof and offer good discounts sometimes. But this comes at a cost - your patience!

Its like a one night stand. You meet the hot chick.. one thing leads to other .. and bam! But after the process, when body is emptied of certain fluids; you dont feel anything. BDCs function in a similar manner. You get in, you see variety of stuffs. You feel orgasmic upon seeing discounts (which dont matter coz some morons buy more of that stuff than required). After you're done filling your cart, you come to the billing counter. And here the troubles start man!

If you are in a hurry, 100% chances are that some fat aunty with 100 tonnes of stuff will be ahead of you in the line. And the billing guy is ALWAYS slow - perhaps because he feels all powerful and controlling. These lines are a test of your patience coz aunties not only buy tonnes of crap but also strike a conversation with the counter guy who feels so happy as if hes getting a blowjob from Ms India.



And the worst part is the logistics. Fine. You are a big chain and you need to store the purchase info. So, you have a barcode reader and a computer for billing. But those stores who sell vegetables like Reliance etc - Must you account for EVERY fuckin single onion or potato? Entering info. into the computer about every single piece is a test of nerves !

Thats why I always go for buying stuff at 10.55 PM .. just 5 minutes before the store closing time. No-one is there except the staff who were all set to close but are now abusing me in their minds for I have walked in at the close time.

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I hope that people learn to keep life simple even in the highest of complicated situations and places. But well, I know they wont. So, I stop the gyaan here.

Cheers ....................... HIC !

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Saturday, March 19, 2011

TWITTER - BLUE & BLACK

Finally ! After a full year of ridiculing , abusing , ignoring twitter, I have decided to finally join it. Yeah, kinda like Dolly Bindra. Hate her , ridicule her .. but damn! Cant ignore her.

Heres my twitter 'handle' -

@Mayank_84

First of all, who the fuck decided to call the twitter username - 'handle'. It will sound so freakin idiotic if you tell someone - Heres my handle .. err.. twitter handle.

Weird world.

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Monday, March 14, 2011

A MESSAGE TO JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE ..



I have come across many types & classes of morons but judgmental people take the cake! Now, before anyone label me as same, I will clarify my definition of a 'moron'.

Moron - Someone who is hell bent on proving hes stupid because he totally denounces logic. Not my logic. Not yours. But simple logic. For eg - Those "experts" who have scored only 500 runs in their careers but still ask Sachin to retire coz he didnt score in one game.

- D.G.

Back to the post. Well, if religious fanatics proclaim "My religion best. Yours suck" ; judgmental morons (JMs) proclaim "My ideology best. Yours suck". Most of them are tolerable. The ones that get on my nerves are the ones with 'high up their ass' attitude. Those who claim they dont care about the world or any issue but instantly try to put you down if you say you do.

I have been witness to many of these specimens. A usual conversation goes like this -

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JM : I dont give a damn about the world, Man !

Me: Good for you. Well, you know all these blindly-aping-West type reality shows.. score only a 5 in IQ test. I dont like them.

JM: O get over it! Dont you have something better to do? Look at me. It doesnt upset me at all. Why does it upset you? I cant believe you, Man! You get angry like a child!

Me: One more thing is there that bothers me.

JM: What?

Me: Your face & your voice. So, scram you ass !

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Look you moron. If you dont care, genuinely - dont do. If you are forever moving around with a halo over your head proclaiming that "I am better than all of you coz - I dont give a shit about the world" .. that shows you are insecure and actually care a lot. For me, the meaning of not caring doesnt involve not bothering about the issues that matter. It rests on a simple formula : The right attitude - I am neither worse nor better than anyone. Why? Coz - I dont care! .


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Part 2 of this post coming soon .. this time - it will be the turn of all those 'Rebels' out there.

BEWARE OF MY WRATH .

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As an afterthought ..

[ source : HERE ]



C h e e r s

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

TYPES OF VAMPS ON INDIAN TELEVISION


Before I start the over-analysis, I would like to thank all those who have sent me the hate mails after my last post. Special mention of 'Anon1**@******.com' for pointing out that the name - Disgruntled Genius - proves how mentally and creatively challenged I am!

No arguments there dude .. "Anon1" is waaay cooler ! You Ruulz !

Back to the over-analysis : 'Types of Indian TV Vamps'


(1) THE 'STEALTH BOMBER'


  • Examples include - 'Pallavi' of Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki fame.
  • Like Stealth bombers - Deadly but undetectable on Radar !
  • You know they will attack .. you dont know from where!
  • Deceptive yet sexy !
KAMINAPAN INDEX - 80%


(2) THE 'WHOLE FUCKIN ARMY DIVISION !



  • Examples include - Enuf said!
  • The whole Army Division - equivalent of 20K soldiers and 50 Tanks.
  • Fully capable of playing ping-pong with your balls.
  • After their attack is over, your 5 senses will be found lying in 5 different directions.
  • Not deceptive at all.. Dont need to be infact.
  • The 'Voice Bomb' makes you look like an Ant infront of a tidal wave!
KAMINAPAN INDEX - Dont bother!


(3) THE 'SWAT TEAM'


  • Examples include - 'Komolika' of Kasauti.. fame.
  • SWAT Attack - Fast and furious Ass kicker !
  • Takes no prisoners !
  • Induces fear by applying deadly makeup like weird 'Bindis' and blood (probably of humans) red colored lipstick
  • Everyone knows shes a bitch.. still arent able to save their asses!
KAMINAPAN INDEX - 100%


(4) THE 'MISSILE'

  • Examples include - 'Ammaji' of Na Aana Is Des... Fame.
  • Total kickass Missile types.
  • They acquire a target and attack with a single-minded approach.
  • Most powerful where there are women and girls to be killed or tortured !
KAMINAPAN INDEX - 100%


(5) THE 'NUCLEAR BOMB'



  • Examples include - 'Tapasya' of Uttaran fame.
  • The nuclear bomb - the hottest (and deadliest) of them all !
  • Lies dormant much of the time but wipes out all asses during attack!
  • Just like the launch of a nuke, their attack is full of planning and co-ordination.
KAMINAPAN INDEX - 100%

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Long live the Vamps !