Wednesday, September 28, 2011

SO I DIED FOR A DAY ...

[Disclaimer: This is a fuckin true incident. Believe it!]

Even God is a fan of this blog and yours truly .. Disgruntled Genius! And I realized that last Sunday. While I was doing the usual sunday stuff - sitting lazily with my black coffee and watching South Park - I noticed some sort of weird light.. which eventually 'transformed' into a dude with white beard. I was freaking surprised but somehow composed myself and asked him who he was. Our conversation went something like this:

Me - Who in Devil's name are you?
Bearded dude - I am God and I am here to grant you a wish.

Me - WTF? Awesome! But there are so many retards who pray to you 24*7. I dont even go to temples and you are giving me a wish?
God - You are the CHOSEN ONE because you are doing a very noble deed son. Your blog... is a politically incorrect marvel against stupidity. We all love it up there! We love you DG!

Me - Damn! Guess I really am the CHOSEN ONE.
God - Yes! Besides, those who pray 24*7 asking me for this & that etc etc crap.. they seriously irritate the hell out of me! And I love it when you "destroy" the stupidity on the blog!

Me - Cool! So, I get one wish? Thats it?
God - For now, yes. But dont worry. I will grant you a wish every freaking month!

Me - Awesome! Thanks God! Well, for now, I would like to die for a day.
God - WTF?

Me - I mean.. just to tour the so-called heaven and hell and find out what exact fuck goes on in these places?
God- O that! They dont exist. Its a man made shit. What we have is a 4-class system. Like a train or a cruise-liner.

Me - Come again?
God - Its like this. 1st class is for reasonably good & intelligent people. Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Einstein etc. all went there. And BTW, we have a special luxurious compartment reserved for you.

Me - Reserved for me? Are you saying am gonna die soon?? Freaky !
God - No No! Not till 2050 atleast! I mean its there - reserved for you. With all the facilities. It has a mega-bar, cable connection, free internet for lifetime, Jacuzzi and what not? Plus.. hot heavenly chicks are just crazy about guys in the 1st class *wink* *wink*

Me - Naaicee !! Btw, whats there in 4th class?
God - Nothing. We just put those peoples' asses on fire. For life! LOLZ! An example is Hitler.

Me - See thats why I wanna die for a day. To visit all these classes. Also, to meet a few "residents" and see who all has their places already "reserved" there?
God - Cool. Ok. Close your eyes now. When you open them, you shall find yourself in first class. You can also visit your place and just tell me if you want some changes or additions. They shall be done without any hitches son.

Me - Thanks God! Am all set to visit the first class now!

---

So, I closed my eyes. I dont fuckin remember how God did it but when I opened them, I was standing infront of a majestic gate which had "HEAVENLY RESIDENCY" written on top of that. And the tagline was - "We dont send pesky SMSes like Noida builders. Places are already reserved!"

So, I entered the gate. A Bentley was parked there..all ready to show me around plus escort me to my future KICKASS luxurious apartment.

---

As I boarded the Bentley, I was full of excitement .. over the thoughts that this experience will make for a killer blogpost !

So..stay tuned for the adventures!

....................

TO BE CONTINUED ................

BTW, those who dont have patience or dont like such abrupt endings to a blogpost... too bad. Wait for next one now.

Cheers...................................

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

MARRIAGE - DECODED !


Ours is a nation of marriages. As soon as neighborhood's douchebag uncles & aunties notice a young, marriageable dude / chick; they arm themselves with details of "eligible lifepartners" and start thinking when the fuck should they pounce on the poor guy/girl.

But, do they really know what marriage should be and is all about?

Well, have no fear as Disgruntled Genius is here with simple criteria - the most important ones though - on which EVERY marriage should be based. Otherwise its all junk.

Firstly, Marriage is NOT about -

  1. Sex
  2. Kickass rich guy / chick
  3. Relatives
  4. Good family
  5. Groom has kickass Family business / Bride's father wants a heir for his kickass business
  6. Age
  7. Kids
  8. Settling in life
  9. Papa ke friend ki beti / beta
etc

etc

etc

Bullcrap.

Its ONLY about -

  1. Whether the guy / chick is compatible with you - in levels of demented-ness i.e. whether they are as mad and crazy as you?
  2. Whether you see them as a companion for life (esp in moments when you know you'll be at your weakest) - ultimately this is what we marry for.
  3. Whether they FULLY understand what you want and why you want it?
  4. Doesnt matter if they are perfect for the damn world.. are they perfect for you.. SPECIFICALLY?
  5. Whether they are able to respect your smallest of achievements or not?
Everything else is hogwash.

So, the next time some uncle or aunty comes to your home with details of "eligible morons" , ask them these questions and gladly watch them run away cursing you.

--

This post was a part of DG's Social responsibility towards ending the terror regime of these marriage expert uncles & aunties.

Adios.

---

Related posts : A Tribute to the Aunties


Sunday, September 18, 2011

THE FREAK YET AWESOME OUTING


'Unplanned' events turn out to be more awesome'
- Disgruntled Genius

Sometimes, what we dont plan actually trumps a planned outing in both - freakiness & awesomeness levels. And tonight was one such freak show on display. Infact, it was a collection of such amazing situations that merit their own blogpost.

Well, the initial situation was pretty normal. Me & one of my best friends (lets call her RB) decided to meet up over dinner today. So, I called up a rest. and booked a slot for 8 PM. Normal so far, you may say? Now..the freak show begins!

8 PM , JNU Campus

I met RB at 8 PM and she noticed we were both dressed in black - in other words.. the "Matrix dinner". Well, we were actually supposed to reach by 8 but hey! We are true Indians! We are allowed to be late. So, we were.

8.35 PM, Kasturba Gandhi Marg , Cannaught Place (CP).

We reach the rest. - Parikrama (revolving rest. atop a skyscraper). By this time, my stomach was already conjuring up images of Palak Paneer and Butter Naan. Anyhow, we reached the reception area and I told the guy that we have a reservation.

About that guy btw - Typical Eastern UP fellow. Possible wife-beater. Definitely, always roaming around with "Fuck everyone" expression.

He told us that the rest. doesnt 'take' reservations. When I told him that - I HAVE BOOKED A DAMN SLOT - he (wanted to shoot me but didnt) told me that we'll have to wait. Seeing that arguing with him will be as futile as telling Rakhi Sawant to wear full clothes, we decided to drop anchor and just wait.

By this time the reception area was full of other guests. That **Eastern UP, wife-beater** guy was receiving continuous calls and he was responding to all with the same fuckin irritating line - "Haan Sir. Pehle do hain. Fir 3+1. Fir 4. Fir 5 aur 6."

By this time, I wanted to insert a ruler up his ass.

9.05 PM - Parikrama Rest.

Finally, the moment arrived. Our names were called. We got up, looking at everyone else smugly, with an expression "Guess we are the chosen ones eh!".

9.09 PM , Parikrama

Frankly, the view of Delhi from top was absolutely stunning. But everything else in the rest. - wasnt! We were thinking it'll be a conducive dinner ambiance but it turned out to be a family box instead! Families.. noisy, chirpy, with kids .. families!

Anyhow, we were escorted to our seat which was next to .. yeah, a loud Punjabi family of 7 members - Aunties, Papaji and kids. Shouting.

And that was the time when RB uttered those magical words - "Lets get the fuck out of here man!". And we did - Had a glass of water and scrammed.

9.20 PM, Parking

Back to the parking. We decided to try Rajdhani - which was also crowded as hell (seemed like whole Delhi was eating out this Sat).

We finally decided to try 'Veda' - undoubtedly kickass rest. and designed by Rohit Bal. Now, because its so kickass, the waiting time was fuckin 30-45 minutes.

9.40 PM, Driving around CP

That was when we decided to junk the classy, pricey rests. and go to Bengali foods instead. By now, We were in full mood to eat the oily & spicy chole bhature and aloo parathas - in other words, classic amazin Indian food!

9.55 PM , Bengali foods, Bhagat Singh Market

Man! Amazing aloo parathas with curd, chole bhature and a nice blueberry pastry!

One thing I wanna tell those pricey, classy rests. - BEAT THAT!

10.10 PM , Same place

Some infuriated chick (her order was wrongly delivered) pushed RB. We thought of taking revenge but well... plans shelved.

10.25 PM, Costa Cafe, Tansen Marg

Closed! Fuckin cafe!

10.40 PM , Barista , Parliament Street

Open! Good cafe!

The hazelnut mocha (RB's soulmate) & green apple iced tea - amazing.

11.10 PM

Back to JNU Campus thinking - "Jaana tha Japan, pahuch gae Cheen! Damn!"

---

This is how the events unfolded. Planned things went haywire. And a realization struck me -

'Unplanned' events turn out to be more awesome'

All we did was rest. hopping but it was worth it! And I think RB would agree to this - 'Normal people lead boring, planned lives. We aint normal. No wonder our lives are interestingly and amazingly .. freaky.'

Cheers .................




Friday, September 16, 2011

A SUPER-EVIL PLAN AGAINST 'MADRASAN'


( Disclaimer: Only intended to be funny. Stereotypes etc .. though intentional .. are not here to hurt someone. Its just something called.. free speech. Also, there are bad illustrations and bad editing done in MS-Paint but hey.. I OWN THIS BLOG. So, read. )

Well, twitter is abuzz with "Madrasan's" rather racist blogpost:


.. and also its 'response' by a Delhi dude


...

What few people know, however, is that Madrasan's blogpost infuriated some real badasses and they plotted an evil plan to set her right. Let me tell you folks.. the plan was executed successfully and Madrasan is non-racist, simple girl yet again.

Heres how the badass & kickass 'evil' plan unfolded::


A day after writin the now-famous racist post, 'M' was relaxing at her house



Little did she know that some people were so infuriated that they decided to take cold revenge instead of merely blogging against her

They were none-other than -

Their plan was simple YET evil.

As 'M' was about to finish her idli-dosa lunch, she was kidnapped and taken to a secret cinema hall.

Why cinema hall, you might ask?

For treating her to 15 hour non-stop SUNNY DEOL MOVIES !

THAT TOO WITHOUT POPCORN !

---

After 15 hours of this ---





... 'M' COULD ONLY SAY THIS:

---

And so, Punjabi SWAT saved the day again. In the words of their leader supreme:

---

Alls well.. that fuckin ends well.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

AWESOME 5 POINT STRATEGY TO JUNK LONELINESS

Alright. I am back to blogging after almost 2 months and my only question is: Does anyone still read this thing? Not being over-optimistic but I am hoping for atleast two comments (not counting spam ones like "Hot girls in your neighborhood want to meet you NOW! Click this supercool link").

Now, loneliness? People view it as negative but I define it as that moment when you are one peg down, have no one to talk to as its 3 AM and your past "love-ly" experiences are brutally pounding on your heart & mind. Or, my current situation basically.

Now some morons will 'kill' these moments by lying on their beds and watching the ceiling while sadly thinking about the time gone by. Or by seeing porn. Not me dudes. I cant do the former. About the latter.. I do indulge. But not at these moments. So, I devised an awesome 5-point strategy to deal with this situation. That is:

1) WRITE SOMETHING. ANY GODDAMN THING.

The awesome post you are currently reading.. is not just a post. Its a de-stresser. So, pour yourself a big mug of black coffee and write cool stuff like this.

Tip: DONOT write emo poetry which will definitely suck more than a vacuum cleaner.

2) THE IDIOT BOX

TV. The solution to every damn problem. Open it, flip through the channels and relax. You can find plenty of hot, cool, moronic, outrageous, sexy, idiotic etc stuff to pass time. 24*7 TV - God bless you dudes !

3) WATCH SEINFELD OR SOUTH PARK

If there are two sitcoms that are worth mentioning in the same sentence as the phrase - "Mood Uplifters" - it is these two. Esp. South Park. Nothing amazingly funnier than watching George Costanza making a fool of himself or Cartman plotting another evil scheme to wipe out entire fuckin humanity.

4) AXE THE EX

Alright. This one is tricky. Shes the reason that you are having this goddamn lonely moment. So what do you do? Counterattack ofcourse. Simple military strategy. If she made you smile in some moments, remember - she wasnot there in many other moments when you badly needed her coz you were feeling down.. kinda as if crushed under the weight of 300 fully-grown running elephants. Remember those moments.. and FOLLOW STEP 1.

5) REMEMBER HOW AWESOME YOU ARE

Finally, reflect on yourself. Remember, you are awesome (unless ofcourse, all you do is lie around drinking cheap beer and watching porn 24*7). You've got good job, achievements, recognitions & targets PLUS you have an awesome life, if not perfect. In the walk of life, you'll meet an awesome chick / dude who will definitely be there when 300 fuckin giant elephants are crushing you badly. So, chill.

--

This was my 5 point strategy to combat and 'eliminate' loneliness. Am sure there are many other strategies existing in the world. All those who comment (if they do) .. share your strategies, if you wanna (ofcourse, if applicable).

Adios.