Monday, March 28, 2011

ITS JUST A SIMPLE COFFEE, STUPID !


Writing after a long time. I would like to tell you the real reason (laziness) but well.. was deep in work plus mental fuck-ups. Anyhow..

*Drumrolls , claps , whistles*

DG is back!

So well, lets come to the irritants at hand - the 'elite' coffee shops & big departmental store chains. Now, I dont really have a problem with a CCD, Costa or Barista. I like them for the choices they offer. What rub me the wrong way are the so called super elite 5-star coffee shops.

I recently happened to visit 2 coffee shops in 5 stars just for the heck of it. I knew that I will be spending 250 bucks on something which I will get for 75 at CCD .. and almost free at home. But well, there were three reasons in my mind for doing that -

  • Gettin a super-up-the-ass elitist feel
  • Sitting and watching Delhi's hottest high flying "birds"
  • My Amitabh Bachchan style "Pratigya" (Promise)
Confused with the 3rd one? Well, when I was a kid and I used to pass by the diplomatic area of Chankyapuri, I used to look at those 5 stars and say to myself in Amitabh style - "One day ! One day I will have coffee in these holy mother of all hotels" . You see? Thats why I say kids are morons.

Anyhow, I entered that thing and well, no points on ambiance. Its a 5 star dude. Ambiance HAS to be kickass. I went to the counter and asked for a Cappuccino. The guy at the counter was amazing. He had a look on his face which confirmed he was feeling as smug about working at that place as Dhoni will feel after winning the WC.

Our convo. went something like this -

Smug dude (SD) - Sir, we have 12 different types of Cappuccinos. What will you prefer?

Me - Iski Maa ki. Upto now, I was thinking that Cappuccino is a type of coffee. Saala! this place has 12 types.. of a type. Anyhow, give me the simplest and normal-est cappuccino. I just wanna sit and read. Nothin fancy.

SD - Sir, would you like cream or milk? Or both ?
Me - Milk. Thanks.

SD - Sir, we have toned, double toned, low fat, skimmed and a special Switzerland milk. Which one will you have?
Me (20% irritated now) - WTF is a special Swiss milk? Is it "black" milk?

SD (smiling smugly thereby increasing my irritation to 45%) - No sir! We have specialised farms in Switzerland where we rear special breed of cows. Then we add preservatives ...
Me (interrupting the dude) - Look! Just add Amul. I dont give a buffalo's ass for your Swiss cows man !

SD: Sir, would you like some choco cream in that ?
Me (70% irritated and on the verge of pulling my hair off) - Yes! Thanks.

SD: Sir, which type of ..
Me: Abe ! Kuch bhi chalega ! Dairy milk, Swiss chocolate, American, Russian .. even Pakistani ! Just add the damn thing!

SD: Sir .. one more question.
Me (100% irritated , 25% mad , 5% ready to buy a gun and shoot the guy): Fuck the coffee! I'll tell you what Eric Cartman tells to the world - "Screw you guys! I am goin home."

And I came back. Had a nice homemade coffee and lived my life peacefully!


Part - 2 : Big Departmental chains (BDCs)

Fine. I get it. BDCs have good variety under the same roof and offer good discounts sometimes. But this comes at a cost - your patience!

Its like a one night stand. You meet the hot chick.. one thing leads to other .. and bam! But after the process, when body is emptied of certain fluids; you dont feel anything. BDCs function in a similar manner. You get in, you see variety of stuffs. You feel orgasmic upon seeing discounts (which dont matter coz some morons buy more of that stuff than required). After you're done filling your cart, you come to the billing counter. And here the troubles start man!

If you are in a hurry, 100% chances are that some fat aunty with 100 tonnes of stuff will be ahead of you in the line. And the billing guy is ALWAYS slow - perhaps because he feels all powerful and controlling. These lines are a test of your patience coz aunties not only buy tonnes of crap but also strike a conversation with the counter guy who feels so happy as if hes getting a blowjob from Ms India.



And the worst part is the logistics. Fine. You are a big chain and you need to store the purchase info. So, you have a barcode reader and a computer for billing. But those stores who sell vegetables like Reliance etc - Must you account for EVERY fuckin single onion or potato? Entering info. into the computer about every single piece is a test of nerves !

Thats why I always go for buying stuff at 10.55 PM .. just 5 minutes before the store closing time. No-one is there except the staff who were all set to close but are now abusing me in their minds for I have walked in at the close time.

--

I hope that people learn to keep life simple even in the highest of complicated situations and places. But well, I know they wont. So, I stop the gyaan here.

Cheers ....................... HIC !

-

15 comments:

Priya shah said...

Hilarious ! Loved the conversation part. And those cartoons towards the end. Welcum back from hibernation DG !

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

LOL, I think we haven't grown up enough to be covering our own childish moronish deeds like the ol wise men.
When I was your age, I used to take care of a complete bla bla blah... and finally blah!!

Nice read.

Cheers,
Blasphemous Aesthete

Red Handed said...

PWAHAHAH....a post tht made me laugh!
(must tell u thts rare)

You have earned a follower!
SWIZZ MILK is tht BLACK MILK..loooooooooooooooooooooool

chatterbox unplugged said...

good one......

Radha said...

SUPER LIKE...:))

Mayank said...

you are wicked - aint you! Even though i felt it was a bit over the top I enjoyed your sharp pen.. oh well the key board. Whatever! keep writing.

Alka Gurha said...

Could identify with the situation....selecting from 12 cappuccinos can be nerve wracking...

subtlescribbler said...

awesome! I laughed so hard that i fell off my chair (well, almost :p)
The supermarket waala idea is fundoo, coz my mom sends me to that stupid place every month!
loved both the parts..too good! m a follower :)

sarah

suruchi said...

super cute and i remember the time when i was first introduced to the term "cappuccinos" as a 'moronic' kid...and i thought my god..what nerds...can't they use simpler words and simpler spellings:-)

really fun post:-)

shveta said...

super duper

Nikita said...

Lolzzzz....

I was imagining you and believe me ,It made me burst out laughing...

Anyways,...
hehehe....
Can't stop laughing...ok..poor guy !!

Swiss Milk...hehe..You should have tried by being lil more patient " how does it taste like "
lolzzzzz

Maitreyee Bhattacharjee Chowdhury said...

good one :))

Niket said...

BWAAAHAHAHA...! (laughing my ass off man)
I can so very much imagine that conversation part! (still laughing...)
A riot of laughter! Great stuff man! \m/(now rolling on the floor..)

Ruchir said...

MAST is d word man! more so cos i've had similar experiences :P
Mind if i share it?! No, u dnt kno me... tht's y m ASKING dude...

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS said...

@Ruchir..

Welcome to WTFIGO. You can share it with trackback credit link to my blog ofcourse ... no issues :) .