Sunday, October 31, 2010

LIFE IS TO MOVE ON .......

Wrote this in one of my reflective moods... which basically means at 4 AM, Saturday night and with lots of coffee + rock music for company.

Lifes a journey.
We travel. We meet people.
We leave them behind. Sometimes we are left behind.
But we move on.

We are happy a few times.
We are dead from inside most of the times.
We dont want to stand up.
But we move on.

We live. And love.
We get loved. We get jilted.
We get over most of them.
But we cant get over over some - one.
We dont want to walk.
But we move on.

We are broken in our hearts.
We dont wanna fight.
We feel how empty this life is.
We want to give up.
But we dont.
We move on.

In the end, we survive.
And we believe.
Shit happens. Will happen.
But we travel. Far off.
To unknown places.
We live our life.
We own our life.
So.. we move on.

*******************************************

Thursday, October 28, 2010

THE ART OF BAK-CHODI (Bullshit) - PART 1

Bakchodi or Bullshit, is truly an art. Trust me, if you master it; you can become a superstar or even aspire to win a nobel prize. Let me prove it through two shining examples:

ARUNDHATI ROY

Ok. You won a booker and won laurels. But that doesnot mean you are a proven intellectual. Ms Roy is simply a dumb radical leftist secularist who has mastered the strategy of bakchodi - all for winning the nobel for peace. How? Easy.

Through Roy's copyrighted 8 point "Sell your soul for a Nobel" funda:

  1. Find someone / something to hate radically;
  2. After you have decided that you will be hating rich people, businessmen, Hindus, Army people, Government , Cheap wines, anyone against you etc; you make a bakchodi action plan
  3. You start supporting the terrorists, naxals etc vociferously while giving a shit about the families of martyrs like army jawans
  4. You then criticise the Government for everything; even for Shakti Kapoor's loose pyjama in the movie 'Raja Babu' (Remember Nandu?)
  5. You do all this while attending "intellectual" parties where you sip the finest and most expensive champagne and discuss how Indian state is torturing poor people
  6. You then pray to Marx and Lenin ( Not God because you are atheist) that Government arrests you for sedition
  7. Once arrested, all your worries are over. You have joined the "league" of Ang Sui Kii , Dalai Lama etc. Although they are fighting for a valid reason.. but who the fuck cares, right?
  8. You wait for the day they announce your name for Peace nobel and you marvel over the simple yet effective strategy of selling your soul and country for a god-damn prize.
Well played, Ms Roy.

WOMEN "RIGHTS" & WRONGS

I advocate equal rights for women. I truly believe that they deserve all the respect. What I dont advocate is the dumb-fuckery that people profess in the name of women rights / liberalization.

Today, I came across a true bakchodi article on internet :

"A railway ad for Indians but where are the women? " ( Full link)

The central theme of the article was that why there are no women in the 'human rail' thats shown in the recent Indian railways ad? Now, can you even get more bakchod than this? Have our standards fallen so much that we are arguing over THIS ? Arent we taking 'women equality / rights' concept, a bit too far? The ad is not supposed to be a "gender empowerment" thing. The theme is the spirit of Indian railways. Tomorrow, some people will even demand a quota for a specific community in such ads. Then what?

--

Well, watever. What to do when the world is full of morons who deflect the attention off serious issues through bullshit? Anyways, This was the first part of my tribute to the art of Bakchodi. More, later....

Cheers.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

MODERN DAY CONVERSATION B/W RAM & RAVANA

DATE : 29/9/2020 (a day before Supreme Court verdict on Ayodhya)

Ram and Ravana decide on some time travel and arrive in Year 2020 India - Ayodhya to be precise. They set off visiting the city in morning and meet again in the evening. Feeling exhausted, they decide to enjoy a cappuccino at Barista while sharing their experiences.

Heres their conversation - as overheard by other tourists:

Ram : So dude, whats up? How was day?
Ravana: Crap! Yours?
Ram: Hell ! Anyways, you go first..

Ravana (adjusting his ten heads): Where should I begin? I am sick of these people. Get this, I saw a nice hotel and thought of having breakfast but the asshole manager told me he'll charge 100 Rs !

Ram: So ? Whats the problem?

Ravana: PER HEAD DUDE ! Am I insane or something that I will pay 1000 Rs for some parathas and chai? Fuckin moron.

Ram: Dayyam ! You got served! LoL .

Ravana: Watever! But dont be so happy. I heard you were denied entry into Ram Janambhoomi complex? HAHA

Ram: O yeah ! That policeman told me coz of tight security, I cant enter! Apparently, some court is gonna pass judgment tomorrow to ascertain whether I was born here or not ! Can you believe it?? And thats why, the fuckin scurity is so tight. They didnt let EVEN ME enter - into my own birth complex!

Ravana: Sad ! But why was there a sudden commotion when you were there?

Ram: Yar! I got agitated and threatened that police guy that I will use "Brahmastra" on him. He got pissed and called in his seniors. One of them asked me if I was Arun Govil from Ramanand Sagar's Ramayana's set? Now, who the fuck are these people man? I got confused and pissed and walked away!

Ravana: Weird! Some kid asked me the same question.. whether I was from Ramanand Sagar's Ramayana? And they were laughing at my ten heads! Bakwaas !

Ram: I suggest we find this Sagar dude and clarify things. I just wanna know who the fuck is he? Anyways, how was rest of your day?

Ravana: Big crap! Police guys were questioning me and throwing me weird suspicious glances. When I told one of them "Hum Ravana hain - Lankeshwar"; he laughed so hard, I can swear on Mandodri's name that I saw him peeing his pants!

Ram: LoL. Same here. Police detained my bow and arrows. When I told them who I was, they started laughing and asked me to call - you know who.

Ravana: That Sagar guy?

Ram: YES !

Ravana: You know what? This world has gone to the dogs. These morons are fighting everywhere. Most importantly.. they are doing it in your name.

Ram: Yeah. Wish I could make them understand what my real essence is. But these ignorant, fake souls wont understand. They have sold their brains to stupidity.

Ravana: Well, screw them. I have decided to go back. Cant take it anymore.

Ram: Wow! You look real frustrated?

Ravana: Watever happened during the day was tolerable. But then I saw a weirdo .. some Mahajan guy .. on TV. He was laughing like a joker with some dozen bimbos sitting around him. Thats when I decided I have had enough !

Ram: Have a safe trip back dude. Dont reach some other time period accidently. LOL

Ravana: O Pls! You may have defeated me but I still have some powers. Btw, you not coming?

Ram: Not yet. I am just curious about the courts' decision ... want to further observe the comedy thats playing on here. You can say, I want to know whether I was born here or not! LoL.

Ravana: Watever dude! Cya. Adios.

--

Ravana got disappeared after that. Ram stayed on to see what court says the next day.

Rest all.. as they say.. is history.

--

cheers.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

THE ANTI-GOOD PEOPLE POST


Who exactly are 'good people' ( GP ) ? For me and many intelligent hapless souls; they're nothing but irritants. Why? Let me explain.

Imagine a lovely morning and you are sitting in a nice park observing the various stupidities that people indulge in : idiotic exercise poses , weird styles of walking, scary styles of clearing throat . Interesting, aint it? Seriously, I wont understand why the hell people feel the need to ape stupid western exercises like these:



Get a grip people ! These only make you look stupid. Although, I dont mind "exercises" like these:

but thats another story.

Coming back to topic: You are observing the general morning stupidity and out of nowhere comes a 'good person' armed with his/her unnecessary advice on marriage, career, religion etc etc. They take the fun out of everything. And thats why I hate this irritating breed.

Basically there are 2 types of GPs :

  1. Hypocrite ones,
  2. Stupid ones.
All GPs have a few things in common:

  • They have advice / opinion on every damn thing;
  • They speak in such a sweet tone that it makes you diabetic;
  • They are such true believers in God and take pity on you if you an anti-religion person;
  • Mostly, they are dumb hypocrites.
The last point is exclusively for hypocrite GPs. Such good people - who always believe in giving long sermons, advices etc ; ridiculing things like sex ; criticizing the youth for almost everything - are all hypocrites. They project themselves as someone destined for heavens but are nothing but tainted, fake people from inside. Such men & women want the world to follow their ideals which are nothing short of illogical.

They often hold rigid pro-religion views and we all know what that means, dont we? Yeah.. anti-love, anti-sex, anti-modernity and what not; although such men have no qualms in lusting after young girls / women while such 'good' women see no il-logic in blatantly criticizing their inlaws & others and playing politics. For them, caste of any person is more important than anything. And God forbid, if they encounter some atheist or anti-religion person; he/she is doomed!

Infact, the following are better and more genuine than this breed:

  1. A Tree,
  2. Tom and Jerry,
  3. Silicon-enhanced breasts
  4. Chinese products.

The second GP sub-breed is the stupid ones. They arent that false & fake but are really dumb and hence, not better than fake morons. They believe that God is the one stop shop for everything. They are like pigeons who close their eyes in face of danger & troubles [ while praying to God for safety ofcourse ] instead of taking the problem head-on. Frankly, this breed irritates the hell out of me! I mean, I also believe in God but I dont think he would like to solve my problems. Instead, if I bug him everytime I have some trouble, he will get irritated and ask me to shut the crap up.

Such 'breeds' are often found in our TV serials motivating people to become just like them. Really WTF? All 'good people' on TV are losers and nothing else. They only win because the script says so else the real world is something else.

One has to be logical and practical. But such people are opposite. They believe that majority of the world is full of goodness and all the bad guys can also be 'converted' to goodness by sheer love and kindness. PURE BULLCRAP! I would recommend the following sign to be put everywhere to ward off such 'good' morons:


Frankly, it is only because of this philosophy that world is becoming a shittier place to live in day by day. Few examples include:

  • Our dealing with Pakistan
  • Obama releasing hard-core terrorists from Guantanamo Bay as an act of "kindness"
  • Advocating rights of terrorists & criminals..... etc etc
The following are much more practical and better than these morons:

  1. A Tree,
  2. Chinese products,
  3. My mobile phone.
--

Such breeds of GPs are more harmful to us than the bad ones. Only because they are either fake or dont think of practical , tough , logical solutions to world's problems. Thats why intelligence has become such a premium today. But against all odds, I really wish that intelligence and not 'goodness' shall rule one day.

AMEN ..................................

& cheers.


Friday, October 8, 2010

AN OPEN LETTER TO SHAHRUKH, AAMIR & SALMAN


Dear Superstar (LOL) Khans,

Ah! My esteemed friends from Bollywood. What a nice feeling I am having. You must be knowing after all. My latest movie 'Robot' has again proved that I RULE! It has earned 300 Cr already and going further strong. So, I thought this is the right time to tell you some feelings of mine- straight from my heart. Besides, you all must be having the #FuckMyLife# feeling. What a time to rub salt into your wounds. HAHA.

Before everything, please note that my email ID has changed. Its now Gmail@Rajini.com. The earlier one (Yahoo@Rajini.co.chennai) wasnt able to handle the load of my fanmail so I created a new one - 'Robot' style. It also has 1 zetabyte memory, just like my robot avatar- Chitti.

Anyways, back to my letter. Where should I begin? I dont think I will enthrall you with the details of my super-awesomeness. The whole world already knows it. People wait in queues since midnight just to catch my movie's first show- which BTW begins at 3 AM due to huge demand! Tickets sell out within 10 minutes. But I wont brag. This aint about me. I will instead, rip apart..err.. tell you guys that why you all are living in a fool's paradise.

Shahrukh, my boy! Or is it SRK? Who the fuck cares? You know how big a megalomaniac you are! I mean, who in God's name makes an idiotic movie like "Billu" just to pander to his ego and 'show' his awesomeness? And fails miserably in that too LOL! You truly suit the nickname that Fake IPL Player gave you. HAHA! I enjoyed that blog.. what a funny crazy shit! Anyhow, as I was saying; you are such an insecure dude that you can be trusted to do all sorts of crazy things - be it the Gay Lux Ad or your recent fear after watching 'robot' that prompted you to change the climax of your own God-damned movie! Get a grip dude!

Well, watever. What can I say? I dont even know why the hell you are called a superstar. You cant guarantee success ( *billu , rab ne bana di jodi* .. cool movies! LOL) , all your frigging movies are the same romantic shit except 1 or 2 and you have stopped good acting after Chak De! Plus, why in fuck's name, your movies (Asoka, My name is Khan etc) are so "intellectual" and mostly made for NRI audience? I mean, why the hell cant a Gujrati muslim go & meet Narendra Modi instead of an American one meeting a hell crappy-funny looking fake Obama? Why is it always USA and "international audience" craziness with you? Look at me Boy! Learn the art of creating intelligent hollywood style mass movies from me.

Coming to you, Aamir. Well, I have no real 'pain in the ass' irritations with you. You are more sensible than Ass-R-K. But you also need to pipe down. I mean, what the hell is your grudge man? Granted, you are intelligent and make sensible movies which are actually watchable but , is it necessary that you go over the top everytime? Your weird promotion strategies regarding your movies, your naming your dog 'shahrukh' etc.. common man! What are you? 7 years old? .

Well well well, Salman bhai! Dabangg has been a big hit but dont forget Mr and Mrs Khanna, God tussi great ho etc shit! Now, am not rubbing salt into your old wounds .. just calling the spade a spade. Hehe. Also, I wont mention but *cough* black buck, car crash Court cases *cough* . Now, Chicks may go crazy over your "badass" attitude but its nothing short than idiotic. Here you are - a proven criminal and almost a non-superstar. But 1 mega hit and people forget everything! Awesome, no? Thats why good guys finish last in our country. Coz of our population's idiotic love for guys like you. You almost absolve Pakistan Govt of any blame in 26/11 attack in an interview to a Pak channel , apologise later and fans forget it! Some crazy shit alright. Granted, Dabangg is a cool movie but MR SK.. you disappoint me.

Ah blast! What the hell do I care? I am the true superstar and I know it. Those who are too "elitist" - appreciating "cool shit" like My name is Khan, I hate love storys, Anjana Anjani etc while denouncing my "mass movies" - dont matter. I will address them in another letter- some other time. Right now, I have to go collect my cool paycheque (Yes morons! I set my fees depending on the outcome of my movie. And if it flops like 'baba' - The one fuckin black sheep of my career - I even compensate my producers. See?).

Remember what I always say..
En vazhi , thani vazhi.” (“My way is the original (a unique) way!)

Now, go kick yourselves. MIND IT!

With Love,

- Super star Rajnikant

// Enclosing my pic for you guys.. Esp you SRK . May God bless you with Ra.1. LOL



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Special 'Reply' Post to Mr 'Mad Madrasi' ...

My esteemed blogger friend 'Mad Madrasi' really made good effort to rip apart my latest post 'Indians and their stupid inferiority complex" . His comments on the post were quite detailed and motivated me to create a special reply post - only for him !

Congrats dude !

Over to the task at hand:

Comment 1 :

Usually you talk sense; but this is really funny!
1) the question is not who invented what 1st. The question is who put it to 'better' use. if you invent a cellphone size 'fusion' reactor and promptly forget it and then claim (after 1000 yrs) to have been 1st - what's the use?

Firstly, so nice that you recognised my skills - writing funny , witty senseful things. Thanks. Anyhow, you talked about "better" use? Today, you have all sorts of technologies, resources & things. Aryabhatta didnt have all these in 5th Cent. otherwise he could have put his thoughts about satellites etc to practical use. This comment of yours isnt even logical. Its like saying that anyone can claim right to anyone's inventions provided he puts it to 'better' use. Awesome! And whats better use anyways? Does only watever Americans etc do qualifies as better use? Is that what you are saying? Yoga, our education system, Zero etc things have been helping our people for centuries. They just didnt get much publicity owing to the LACK of publicity mediums which were in abundance & were used brilliantly (by foreigners) during 15-18th cent. when all our discoveries were put to "better" use. Moreover, Europeans were on a world conquering spree then and did all in their capacity to belittle native cultures.

Comment 2
if they tell, then it must be right becuz if any indian says it - he is promptly pulled up, agitated against, beaten up or dragged to courts. so only people who can say 'things' are 'phoren' people. Remember Kushboo and her comments? Could any Indian have written about 'polyster prince'?

Agreed. But you missed a vital point in my post. If you remember, the book on Shivaji was recently banned in India (It was written by a foreigner). And ofcourse, Richard Gere kissing controversy etc. Your logic contradicts itself. On such issues, it DOESNOT matter whos saying it. We go stupidly crazy over such things. What I am, however, against is the bloody hypocrisy on part of foreigners. They go over-hyper when it comes to our facilities without caring what they are offering to others - Asians in particular.

Comment 3
Agree with them instead of standing up. Look at the way the 'superbug' discoverer from India reacted after the
publication. I didn't (say it), they wrote (without me) and whatnot. Even Ministers question the findings - called it an attempt to damage the 'image' of India. How would any one stand up? Unless the Sup Court declares that right to expression & free speech (even if it is against someone) like in US, 'it-will-be-like-this-only'

Again, you missed the whole point. Frankly, I didnt even understand this comment. Would request you to 'tone down' the intellectual brilliance here and make me understand in a 'common man's ' lingo. Till then, I will just ask you to read the 3rd pt again. Australians etc attack Indians and justify it with " Indians are dirty and deserve it" argument. We, though, condemn the attacks BUT support the argument. How fucking is this Mr Mad madrasi?

Comment 4
No one is asking you to make Terminator or Transformers, but if you ape them, I 'have' the right to denigrate you. It is not the budget, it is the 'idea' behind the movie. Just watch an English movie channel Star, HBO, AXN, WB or PIX - they play about 5 movies a day - and none of which resembles another. All 5 movies have diff subjects, visuals and moves. Can u say that about any 5 movies in (any) Indian language? Every 3rd movie gives you a feeling of 'deja-vu'. BTW you must've watched 3 idiots; but have you seen this movie 'Cheats' (2002)? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250292/

Well...
1 ] No-one mentioned 3 idiots. And by this logic, thousands of movies are 'remakes' etc - both sides (Eg: Gangster MD - remake of Munnabhai.)

2 ] Dont protest for the sake of protesting. Read this line again from the post : " True, Hwood makes better movies with better stories and effects. While they make Avatar and Inception; we create Karan-ish and Yashraj-ish shit like "I hate luv storys" , "Anjana Anjani" , "Kites" etc. But once in a while, we DO create something spectacular but even thats not good enough for our citizens! " . Got my point? If not, read again.

And talking about ideas? Well, in your words: If Shankar puts ideas to "better use" than Nolan etc; whats the harm in that ?

Cheers.......................................

Monday, October 4, 2010

INDIANS AND THEIR STUPID INFERIORITY COMPLEX !


"I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such calibre, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation."

- From a speech by Lord McCaulay (Founder of our modern education system) in Parliament, 1835.

Ever wondered why India , despite the growing economy , doesnt find a place among world's superpowers? We are a major soft power with 'exports' like Bollywood etc but when it comes to high table discussions, India is not given the weightage that it deserves. Why?

The answer is simple: Indians & their fuckin inferiority complex vis-a-vis other , especially "white" nations. Else how can you explain our meek rabbit like behavior in crucial matters of national security and issues like Bhopal gas leak case etc? The truth is fairly evident: We , as citizens, are in a bad colonial hangover and give a shit about our own country.

Let me prove that through these points:

[1] OUR CULTURE

Our dipshit citizens wrongly associate Indian culture with religion. Religion is just a stupid thing. Indian culture , however, has always been scientific. Thats why India was world's most advanced civilization in historic times. A good 1000 years before Copernicus, Varahamihira had proved that its the Sun which is at the universe's center & not earth. When Europeans were wetting their beds thinking about their deficient zero-less roman numerals or that earth is flat, Aryabhatta was working on a discovery called 'Zero' and side-by-side proving that earth is round. Panini gave the world, the most comprehensive and advanced grammar ( Devnagri script) ever. And Pythagoras theorem was discovered by Aryabhatta.. many years before Pythagoras was born.

Even our 'rituals' are all scientific. For eg. There is a solid logic behind the age old practice of 'Surya namaskaar'. The early morning rays of sun are very helpful for body but only if seen through water, which acts as a filter to prevent light UV rays. But tell this to some new age "cool" Indian and the asshole will laugh sarcastically. However, let some foreign scientist publish this fact in the famous 'Nature' magazine and we all will go crazy about it.

Why? Because of a complex which tells him/her that India can never be great. US patents our basmati and yoga and sells its 'mutated' form back to us and we go crazy over that. Why? Coz its 'foreign' packaged. Nowhere in this world, citizens look down upon their highly scientific culture in favor of a less developed foreign one.

Its not bad to embrace other cultures but it sucks if you think your own great culture is not the "in thing" or "cool" (unless you are Pakistani ofcourse).

[2] IT MUST BE RIGHT IF THEY ARE SAYING IT!

This particularly pisses me off big time! As an example, CWG opening ceremony is being hailed as better than the Beijing olympics 2008 one. India has truly arrived. This doesnt absolve Kalmadi & Co of corruption charges but thats another matter. What matters here is our attitude towards ourselves.

Indian athletes were made to stay in rundown youth hostels during Melbourne CWG '06. But did we protest? On the other hand, we lapped up every criticism foreign authorities threw at us during CWG preparations - be it logical or not! Everyone was shamelessly saying "They are right. We are like this only!". The problem isnt in self-knowledge. The problem lies in the "they are always right" mindset. They say that India isnot a safe country. Many dickhead athletes pull out due to "security fears". And we believe all these reports about our nation. WTF ! India is as secure as other countries today (except well.. Pakistan) ofcourse. Recently, US unearthed a terror plot which was aiming to blow up several European capitals. IN YOUR FACE huh? Now, whos more secure?

Try telling this to Indian eggheads. Futile with a big 'F' !

[3] WE, THE PEOPLE

We, really, dont respect ourselves at all. Yes, Indians are bloody hypocrites. Yes, we are immature people who dirty every city / locality we live in. We know. And people world over take no break in telling us all this continuously. What surprises me is our reaction to it. Instead of doing the following:

> Accept the logical points,
> Tell them their stupid things,
> Improve ourselves ;

we do the following:

> Agree with them bloody overwhelmingly,
> Add points from our side so as to give them a good laugh at our expense,
> go back to old routine.

Freaking brilliant, morons !

[4] BOLLYWOOD v/s HOLLYWOOD

Another major point. True, Hwood makes better movies with better stories and effects. While they make Avatar and Inception; we create Karan-ish and Yashraj-ish shit like "I hate luv storys" , "Anjana Anjani" , "Kites" etc. But once in a while, we DO create something spectacular but even thats not good enough for our citizens! Take recent Rajni starrer 'Robot' for example. Majority of the Hwood "worshippers" , who have seen it, are uttering sentences like 'It aint better than Transformers or Terminator" . Many 'elitists' who love 'My name is Khan' types have decided not to watch 'mass' movies like Dabangg as its too 'villag-ish' (?) or Robot because they dont think of Rajni as a star. He is Asia's second highest paid actor and guarantees success is another matter.

I just want to ask those morons one question: If Shankar (Robot's Director) is given the budget of Terminator, dont you think he will create a movie which will make Terminator look like a kid's movie? The man is a genius. He planned and executed India's first true sci-fi movie (Krishh btw was just a comic, not a movie!) with never seen before bloody cool SFX and animatronics. He must be lauded for this effort as this will give rise to more such movies - bigger and more larger than life!

But what can you expect from a poor mindset? We wont applaud him but will go crazy over Chris Nolan (Inception) even though 50% of the airheads didnt understand what the fuck was inception all about.

--

I can go on & on as there are so many points & sub-topics; but whats the use. I just wanna say that I love my nation and the goodness in it. And no, I dont think its inferior to any other country. Those who do however, can happily continue sitting in their comfortable sofas and criticising everything Indian. I dont give a shit.

---

Cheers................................ /\