Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ARINDHAM CHAUDHARY MEETS KALMADI !


Short Comic post

We all know Arindham Chaudhary. Yeah.. the Indian Institute of Planning and Management (IIPM) guy & self-proclaimed Management guru, who has made a fool of himself by proclaiming the awesomeness of IIPM in over the top newspaper ads. Many bloggers ( links 1 , 2 ) have called his bluff over time. But his media blitzkrieg has ensured that he remains in good spotlight. His IIPM ads 'shouting' that they are better than IIMs through lines such as "Dare to think beyond IIM?" are the butt of jokes in blogosphere.

But, what if this guy meets Suresh Kalmadi? Take a look (excuse the bad animation BTW ! ):


AT A CWG 2010 PARTY:
AND SO.. KALMADI GETS INSPIRED !


LATER >

CM IN A DEEP THOUGHT PROCESS AFTER KALMADI-SPEAK:

HOWEVER, A DIFFERENT MOOD AT 7, RACE COURSE ROAD >

AND WELL >

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Cheers..............................

Friday, September 24, 2010

TERMS / PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE BANNED - Part 2


Continuing my 'analysis' of terms/phrases which are nothing but irritants with capital 'I'.

[1] 'I'll be there for you'

There? Where? And how? Are you 'Mahajan-Man' or someone with the combined power of a psychic & superman that you'll instantly know and arrive at the scene of the problem. People toss this fucking term so casually nowadays , it makes me want to just hunt them down and eliminate them. People in "love" , some friends etc puke this term so much but are the first to flee the scene when it actually matters. Pigshit!

[2] 'Push the limits'

Right. You know who says this mostly?

> Celebrities who cant survive without their army of servants etc
> Lazy morons who just sit on their couches but have opinions on every damn thing
> People who think they are champs but are the torchbearers of incompetence
> "Rebels" who ride Pulsars without helmets and advise others to do the same without realising how tiny their brains and other important assets are.

But have we ever asked what is 'pushing the limits' in reality? Its not some great thing but a simple concept. Everyone is screwed today. Pushing the limit is testing your ability to handle pain which certain situations bring with them as free gifts. You think its easy to keep every frustration inside you, not sit and moan about them and instead turn your painful situations into jokes and sarcastic, humorous blogposts? Its not and thats where the damn limits are pushed.

[3] 'No offense but...' / 'Dont take this the wrong way'

You are gonna say something real offensive obviously. So be a man and dont use this fucking phrase to "sweeten" things up because it wont work.

[4] 'You have changed so much' / 'You dont love me anymore'

This one is for girls. Let me make one thing very clear here. When a relation starts, the guy (only serious ones, not those assholes who just want to fuck and get over with it ) is ready to bear any tantrum but once the relation is settled, he wants a more mature approach to it. He may be busy in office etc and cant attend to tantrums all the time now unlike earlier. That DOESNOT mean he has stopped loving. So give him some credit and junk these phrases.

[5] 'I beg your pardon'

You cant understand a shit what someone is saying and all you can utter is "I beg your pardon". Its not your fault that you are unable to hear what the other person thinks is speech. Get some attitude! Shout ' Abe kya bol raha hai be! '

[6] 'Pen is mightier than the sword'

Really? Grab a pen and gimme a sword. I promise I would go real mighty on your poor ass. Pen was,is & will never be mightier than the sword. Thousands of years have passed and its still a fact that rebellious writings etc havent worked at all. Today's media age corroborates the fact. Despite the all powerful newspapers unearthing all scams, we Indians still think with our asses & vote for caste and religion. Bullshit. Power never flows through ink.

[7] 'Try & see the good inside everyone'

Your chick has just left you for an insanely rich dude, no-one cares for you and you only have a laptop with access to porn as your best friend. If you still have positive outlook, you have watched Hum apke hain kaun / Hum saath saath hain / Pyaar impossible ; way too many times! Know what? Theres nothing worse than being a complete moron. And that means trying to see good inside everyone.

Lemme say clearly: Our lives are too short and too screwed to even attempt to see the good in everone. They wont be there when you will actually need them so why bother? If you still havent understood, find the good in Suresh Kalmadi and Rahul Mahajan and get back to me. I will apologise.

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// Part -3 later.....
Thanks to the various blogger friends like Sweta & Nikita who suggested some hell irritating cliches due to which I am tempted for a third part.

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Cheers ................

Friday, September 17, 2010

WHY HINDU WEDDINGS ARE LIKE A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE ?

The part-2 for "phrases that need to be banned" (Part-1 here) will be out next week. I just couldnt resist writing this first.

First of all, the inspiration to this post came from the following:

Khamba (link)

Friends & “Made in blogosphere” couple ‘Mag-Nik’ ( link & link)

Now, to the post…………

I sincerely believe that theres no difference between a racy bollywood potboiler and hindu weddings. What does a normal bollywood movie has? Drama, emotions, sex, suspense etc right? Same goes for the weddings. Let me elaborate:

GLAMOUR

If you choose to ignore the ‘buried in make-up’ aunties and fat uncles who are constantly giving “I should be at home with beer and peanuts instead of here! Damn!” expression; you can actually find glamour. Young girls (Pretty Young Things) in testosterone inducing outfits are the life of those weddings. Their dance moves and pointless giggles make a guy actually thankful for being in that wedding.

MUSIC

O Common! The band? And their cliché marriage songs like ‘No entry’ and ‘Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi’ ? That’s musical enough. And come what may, dances are never in short supply, especially the famous “snake dance” (My personal favorite). Some people also go for live music but no-one cares as long as the food is good.


COMEDY

Comic relief is provided mainly by the relatives of both sides. No, not the main cast – they are too conscious as they are constantly under the recording-man’s glare. But relatives never cease to disappoint. They basically carry three expressions:

Ø > Damn! These people spent so much! How the hell he has this much money and I don’t? FML !

Ø > When the hell they will start the main course? I have had soup, paneer tikka ; even given the customary money envelope to the couple . What else they want me to do? Give me food!

Ø > The fake laughs when they come across another of their kind or the main cast.

T The best comic scene is played out during the mandatory photo sessions. Bored people coming one by one to get themselves clicked with the couple – if that aint funny, nothing is !

SUSPENSE

Theres enough suspense at these weddings. The classic “whodunit” is never in short supply. Only difference is that here, the question arises in context of poor groom’s stolen shoes and not murder. In this way, the groom is already in deep hole even before his marriage. To look good, he has to buy expensive wedding shoes (which he wont wear again unless & until his name is “Mahajan-Man”) and to top it, he has to pay through his nose to get the ‘hostages’ released.

DRAMA & ACTION

Drama is often coupled with action at weddings. All it takes to start the proceedings is a small argument between groups such as-

Ø >> Relatives from ‘opposing camps’

Ø >> Untimely demands for cars etc by groom’s family

Ø >> Demand for payment by recordingman / flowerman etc from drunk uncles

Ø >> Rejection of “I love you” / “lets have a coffee” demands of some Salman khan wannabe dude by a Pretty young thing

Etc.

Action scenes are almost always unrehearsed and that adds to the spontaneous fun. Theres enough drama on the stage too during exchange of garlands. Grooms’ friends lift him up so as the girl cant reach him. What they don’t notice is the “Bunch of morons” expression on a girl’s face. Similarly girl’s friends push her back so that the groom doesn’t “garland” her easily. This prompts a “Nice chicks but hell irritating” expression on groom’s face which often goes unnoticed as no-one cares about the groom’s plight during & after marriage.

EMOTIONS

Emotions – tones of them – are there in every Indian wedding. As the time for the couple to leave approaches, the bride side’s “tear-ing apart” starts. The bride’s mother is always crying. The father however, starts at the appropriate time. He, infact holds the holy grail. When he lets loose, other relatives (brave enough to be still there at 4-5 AM) also join him in their full vigour.

…. FINALLY … SEX

Need I say anything here? The groom’s house , the tonnes of flowers, overzealous lady relatives of the groom waiting to just push him into the room .. need I say more? Frankly speaking, I believe that the first night shouldn’t be all about sex but whatever. I though, find the concept of decorating rooms with flowers quite silly. If the purpose is to entice the couple to pounce upon each other, flowers aren’t the way to go! And to top it all, the customary glass of milk for the groom? I think they have got the priorities wrong. Milk and roses? God help the couple.

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And so we see that how in every which way.. an Indian (Hindu weddings precisely) are exactly like a bollywood potboiler.

And I dont know, why I wanna say " Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost" !

Cheers...........................

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

TERMS / PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE BANNED - Part 1


I guess everyone of us have faced some cliche terms or phrases that arent useful at all (infact they need to be banned). These very terms are mostly harmless but if your mood is shitty, they perform a perfect job of biting on your sweetspot. Lets take a look at some of those, shall we?

Love is in the air

Really? Where? I cant feel it. All I can feel is the same old shit the world smells of everyday. Every damn thing is in air except Love; prominent among those is the nice natural fragrance -that is sweat- of morons who just crowd into an already overcrowded metro and stand so close to you and your 'strategic assets' that you almost want to kill yourself. Show me love. Prove that its "in air". And if you cant prove, kill the fuckin cliche.

Think outside the box

This one really bugs me. Why do we have to address innovativeness by using this irritating cliche? And why is "being in the box" so negative? In any case, what the hell does it mean anyway? If I have some issues at work, do I go out in the open so as to get better ideas? Well, let me tell you frankly: For best ideas, you have to think inside the "box", as in loo. Face it: The best ideas come to you when you are shitting ( literally, in deep shit). Innovativeness and ideas come to those who know how to use a minor thing called brain. And those who go on with their lives being assholes and insults to brain, ideas will never be a part of their existence. They may think outside the box but ultimately, will resort to same old thing most of us do when faced with real challenges: Giving up!

If you love someone, set him/her free

WTF Really? If I love someone, I have to set them free to know whether the relationship is meant to be or not? Trust me, this is only what retards do. If you let go off someone you love, they will be found making out with someone who is willing to "cage them" in PVR while watching a crap movie with 1% theater occupancy. Hell man! If a relationship aint meant to be, she will kick your ass once you show your real self. If she puts up with that, shes a keeper. In the former case, you let go because shes an irritant and not for you. In the latter, you NEVER ever let her go. End of story.

Money is the root of all evil

O Really? Then why the hell Bill Gates, Bono etc people are charity leaders? When the fuck will we learn that its not money but our character that is the root of all evil. If a baby cries at 3 AM and disturbs your sleep because he has a wet diaper, do you change the diaper or strangulate the kid? Similarly, if some guy commits crime for money, it is his damn fault or money's?

Money is the root of Life. It purchases those basic things for us which help in sustaining life. Calling it evil means calling life itself - evil!

The best revenge is to live well

Let me get this straight. Someone hits you, takes away all your belongings and leaves you in this condition > .............

.. and what should you do?

Yes, thats right. Word hard; work your ass off , earn tonnes of cash, buy fancy home and stuff, click your happy pics, find the villain guy and show him the pics. Yeah! Show him what you got! Show him how happy you are and tell him " Hey! You fucked me but no problem bro. I am so living well again. IN YOUR FACE!"

Brilliant, aint it? BULLSHIT to the least! The only way to feel good is junk the niceties and plan a cold, nice brutal revenge against those who hurt you big time. And for all those morons who think that just coz someone is bad to us, we shouldnt downgrade ourselves; heres a phrase: Shove it!

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To be Cont..
More in Part 2.

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Cheers

Saturday, September 4, 2010

WHY M F HUSAIN IS A HYPOCRITE AND SHOULDNT BE SUPPORTED ... AT ALL !


Before I touch the core issue at hand, let me just say something about a certain group of people. I have always known that so called liberals, secularists err.... pseudo- secularists, Maoist sympathizers are operating without brains. But recent developments have proved that they are operating without a conscience as well.

Get this: Maoists take 5 policemen hostage in Bihar and set a deadline for Govt. to release their fellow comrades else they start killing the hapless police personnel. The deadline passes and Maoists extend it; but not before killing one of the personnel ( Havildar Lucas Tete ). If this event wasnt disturbing enough, sample this: All those fuckin Maoist backers and damn pseudo- secularists have come out in support of .. ? No! Not the personnel. But the Maoists again. One of those fake boys, Swami Agnivesh, even said on prime time TV that if CRPF can take Naxals as " hostage " (not war criminals or anything, but "hostages"), the Maoists can also do the same. He charitably, did condemn the act but not before absolving Maoists of any crime.


Now, why did I start this post with a mention of these groups of people? Because they are the ones who are at the forefront of every fuckin stupidity that goes in name of social / religious / regional justice in this country. And one of such stupidities is the support for a certain M F Husain.

Now, before some of you shout "What the Khap !" and jump on me with comments that brand me as a "backward, illiterate, Hindu fundamentalist" ; I want to make it plain clear that I dont support stupidity. Be it the support for M F Husain (MFH) or Sri Ram Sene type groups beating up women outside a Mangalore pub or anti- valentine day protests etc etc. I consider any fundamentalist action a stupidity - religion doesnt matter. Khap Taus against love marriages, Hindu / Muslim groups against women empowerment or secularists for MFH - These acts are equal in stupidity. And why? Let us explore that, shall we?

First and foremost, MFH is a damn hypocrite. Here is a recent interview of his in which he has condemned India for not being a "free land" (LINK). Now, I have no problems with whatever he wants to say. My only grudge is that he has given this damn interview while sitting in Qatar which has recently given him premanent citizenship. Imagine that now! Hes bloody sitting in Qatar - a deeply conservative Middle east country - and hes shitting against India. I dare him to exercise his "free will" now and paint something which will be deemed controversial in his religion. Trust me, they wont even let him run away from Qatar. He fled India and became safe. He wont be able to leave Qatar. Old age be fucked; he will be put to death in public. Husain Sahab.. it can happen only in a free country like India that despite painting the Goddesses of the majority community disgracefully, you are still getting support from many of them.

Now, coming to the paintings. Well, my answer is a big NO ! No to what ? The following questions:

1 ) Doesnt an artist has a free will to paint anything?

- Not if he knows it will hurt the sentiments of an entire religious sect of people. When some years ago, a restaurant in Mumbai named itself "Hitler's" , Jews protested overwhelmingly and got its name changed. That hurt their sentiments. What about free speech then?

2 ) But doesnt Khajuraho depicts Hindu Gods / Goddesses in nude , performing acts of love-making?

- No. Well, let me share a story. In January this year, while on a trip to Chitrakoot; I happened to visit a nearby place which had some Khajuraho type temples and was aptly named 'Mini Khajuraho'. My guide told me that these temples are not as good as Khajuraho ones as they have very less "sexy pics". See my point now? This is what we have done to our heritage. Reduced it to mere "sexy pics".


[ One of the temples at "Mini Khajuraho" ]

In reality, its far from that. Khajuraho depicts the act of love making as it is mentioned in our holy scriptures: a way to connect to God. Its not mere "sexy pics". And now the real bummer for all damn pseudo- secular faggots out there : The Gods- Shiva, Vishnu etc ARENOT / ARE NEVER depicted in nude. The " love-making" sculptures are not of Gods- they are there to illustrate and thats it.

3 ) But Mayank, arent we being narrow-minded here ?

- If you are too open minded, your brains fall out; you dumb faggot. Some random guy ( I dont care about his religion) paints Goddesses in obscene positions and you want me to appreciate it in the name of art? What next? Support for Rakhi Sawant & Rahul Mahajan because they are victims of circumstances? Well folks.. heres a nice piece of information: A spade is a spade. A is A. Whats stupid.. is stupid.

4 ) But Mayank yar ! You cant decide whats obscene. Its Art you moron which you dont understand. So, chill will ya?

- Get a brain morons! I dont know a fuck about art. But I do know when its NOT art. And what about all the bloody ruckus & shouts over Da Vinci code, Danish cartoons , Jo bole so Nihal etc etc? There wasnt a word against them, was it?

5 ) Yar Mayank! You talk like those "Hindu fundamentalists" , dont you ?

- Really? First of all morons, theres no such thing as a hindu or a muslim fundamentalist. Theres no religion involved. Whether he kills innocents in Kashmir or beats up hapless women in Mangalore; he remains a fundamentalist. And I am not talking like that. I strongly criticize the death threats to MFH. I support his desire to return to his native country and live in peace here. But I retain my right to protest against whats logically wrong. Note this: whats LOGICALLY WRONG; not wrong according to my whims and fancies.

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I dont believe in religion at all ( My earlier post ). And I also donot believe in stupidity and pseudo-secularism. In my eyes, those secularist assholes are bigger fundamentalists than the actual ones because they play it subtly. You support a CRPF jawan's rights instead of a Naxal's and they will pass a judgment on you that you are a cruel hearted capitalist pig. You support Kashmiri Pandits and all logical Hindu issues like the MFH episode; they brand you as a "backward Hindu fundamentalist". And so, whos more dangerous? But anyways, this post aint about those dipshits for whom the rights of a soldier are minuscule as compared to those of a Maoist. This is about the continuing crusade against all things stupid.

May God give strength.. nay.. brains to these pieces of junk brains.

Amen..........................................................

& Cheers ...............