Tuesday, August 31, 2010

MESSAGE TO COMMONWEALTH BASHERS: LEAVE DELHI ALONE !

First of all, a heartiest thanks to the moronic Paki cricketers who indulged in some nice match-fixing and helped Indians take their mind off Commonwealth mess. After all, we may be a nation full of shitty assholes but our sporting icons arent tainted ( We also boast of the GOD Himself). Moreover, its always a sadistic pleasure to see Pakistan getting what they truly deserve: humiliation. Besides, what more can you expect from a nation whose President goes on foreign trips, hires women "guides" and refuses to pay them! ( Link here ).

Fuck Yeah ! We are to Pakistan what USA is to us and we are loving it! YAY !

Now, back to the issue at hand : Commonwealth.. nay; Delhi city itself.

I dont give a shit about Commonwealth now. I also dont give a damn for Chetan Bhagat but for once I agree with what he said in his column in this Sunday's Times of India. Boycott these games! I wont however, delve into the reasons for we all know them already. You know.. corrupt games etc etc . What I am concerned about is my city.. my Delhi and its image.

Its no secret that news channels go berserk everytime theres rain in Delhi nowadays and jams happen because of ongoing construction work. I actually appreciate that media is highlighting the issues and keeping Government on its toes. But what bugs me is the style in which these assholes project this. Just a few days back, I saw this news-piece on IBN7 where they had compared Delhi to hell !!.

The loosers even invented a term for this which i dont remember. That made my blood boil so much that I just wanted to go full Sunny-Deol on that anchor. What the fuck? You may highlight the issues but how dare you disrespect my home just for the sake of creating sensationalism. Although coming from IBN7, I am not surprised about this as this idiotic channel ranks next only to India TV in "quality news" ; but I wont tolerate anyone calling my home that. Fuck you.

Infact, I dont see any difference between these news channels and many Delhi-ites ... most of whom are bloody hypocrites: throwing their garbage on streets and then shouting that " our capital aint very clean".

But, arent we all missing a vital point here? Spare a thought about the city itself. Its crying for attention. These assholes-in-arms namely Municipal Corp, Delhi Govt., CWG organizing Committee etc have thrown this city out of gear. Its not the city's fault that due to the third rate planning of these morons, rubble is lying everywhere and jams are happening. The trouble is that when this happens; majority people shout that its Delhi! No morons.. its not. Its Kalmadi. Its Mrs Dikshit. Its MCD. Blame the right targets.








The city needs its citizens more than ever today. Dont curse the city. Dont litter. Dont forget about the CWG scams after the games ( they say public memory is too short.. Not this time!). File PILs against the looters. Many invaders over the ages have plundered Delhi but the current lot takes the bloody cake. Theres so much stuff we can do by genuinely loving the city, cant we? ( ** More suggestions invited in comments - Thanks)

Delhi has the nicest and the widest roads , a world class metro system, now also a world class airport ( T3 terminal ) and all the facilities. What we witness during rains nowadays, many Indian cities have been witnessing that since long.. without any sort of ongoing construction work. See that and aim the right targets.

Yes, due to this Commonwealth mess, things are mega chaotic presently. But this will soon change. Amen. Let the CWG get over. Let those foreign babas and babes come, click pics of "poor Indians" for sharing with their friends back home and let them go back peacefully. But after that Mr Kalmadi (and others) , .. clean my city of the mess you have created. You owe it one.

--

// Upcoming post : Why we shouldnt support M F Hussain and forget about the old rat.

Was gonna publish that actually but somehow , felt this one was more important. Hoping to create atleast a minuscule change in thinking.

Cheers...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

VISHWANATHAN ANAND .. YOU ARE NOT AN INDIAN !


This post is dedicated to our bureaucrats, in particular , those from the HR Ministry (HRM) . HR stands for Human Resources but well, in our case: Humorous Resources !

Each day when I wake up, I think that our ministers and bureaucrats cant get any more stupid..err.. "intelligent" but well, they have an amazing capacity to prove me wrong every single day! Sheer Genius! I mean, you seriously cant beat the current gaffe. Vishy Anand ( World chess champ, Grandmaster.. remember folks? Think beyond Dhoni and Sania "Malik") was to be awarded an honorary doctorate at Hyderabad Univ.. Being a central Univ., the file went to HRM where those moron 'babus' asked Anand to prove his nationality. Why? Coz he spends most of his time in Spain (training) and tournaments (all international). I mean, sure, his passpost clearly mentions his nationality as Indian and he represents INDIA at every tournament but hey! Who gives a fuck? You have to be in India boy!


I guess our babus arent at fault really. So what if their IQs are a little less than Rakhi Sawant's ( 0.36 )? They were just following rulebooks; only in this case, the rule book seems to have been written by Dimpy Mahajan.

Infact, I will go on and declare that its Vishy and University's fault and not the babus'. How? Consider these points:

1 >>> How dare they send the file 'weightless'? Arent they aware of the fuckin protocol? Why the hell there wasnt any 'Gandhijis' stapled safely on that file? Where was the 'kharcha-paani'?

2 >>> I have lived in North India for whole of my life and consider myself an Indian. But, if I visit some place like Mumbai, Manoos brothers will run after me with their Chak de hockey sticks shouting "Jamma-aila! Mumbai only for Marathis !!". And Vishy expects that he will be welcomed in India after living abroad for most of his sensible life? How idiotic!

3>>> For the love of God Vishy! Get a grip man! No-one in our country gives a fuck about sports. Not even cricket. This nation is full of such God-damn idiots who think they are better than Sachin but cant differentiate between fine leg and Mandira Bedi's leg. They will go crazy about Sania marrying a Paki cricketer who looks like someone who has just got a major hit in his balls but they wont give a rat's ass about your insult. Grow up Vishy!

So, I will say: Chill Vishy. Play chess. Win accolades for India. I am proud of you. This nation has very few true sport icons ( No! Shahrukh isnt one of them.. for the love of God people! Chak De was only a fuckin movie!!). And You are one of our best. Just know one thing.. Never cross the way of babus! Otherwise, you will get "pawn-ed" !

Check Mate.................

Thursday, August 19, 2010

INDIA'S 5 BIGGEST SCAMS !


Forget Madhu Koda, Commonwealth , Fodder scam etc. Those were mere blips on the radar. The real scams are something else and they are doing nothing but to destroy the fragile minds of poor little Indians. Although there were many, but only the topmost, having the most power to ruin this country, could make the cut. Sadly enough, Rakhi Sawant missed the list by only 0.36 points (This number is significant because thats her IQ too).

So, without further ado... heres presenting..... INDIA'S 5 BIGGEST SCAMS / SCAMSTERS >

1 ] SHAHRUKH KHAN

We all know who this creature is. But why he tops the scam list? Heres why..

> Produces stupid movies like Main Hoon Na (Seriously dude.. rickshaw chasing a Safari? GET A FUCKIN GRIP! ), Billu, Asoka etc. Why not take a cue from that other Khan who has aces like Taare Zameen Par, Peepli Live etc up his sleeve?

> Endorses a retard institute like IIPM which makes tall claims but gives shit about careers of thousands of gullible MBA aspirants who join it every year.

> Owns an IPL team which has become the butt of all jokes only because of his stupid decisions (Buchanan anyone? Btw, I might add: Long live Fake IPL Player ! )

> Plans a carefully orchestrated controversy (My Name is Khan) so as to garner publicity and sympathy! And public? Well.. no comments about those stupids who cant move their lazy asses to vote but took out candlelight marches to support MNIK ! Losers!

> Endorses fairness creams (Fair and Handsome! O PLEASE!) and Lux in a gay commercial! Seriously man, WTF ? Thats not metrosexual. Thats fuckin faggotry!

2 ] MTV , CHANNEL [V]

Alright. I can tolerate stupidity like Splitsvilla. I can understand that MTV etc tell our youngsters to develop "cool" lingo which tweaks words like 'my' for 'mah' and god knows what! This basically makes them look stupid American wannabees and not cool. I can even understand that the most intellectual discussion on MTV can only be whether Karan Johar will ever come out of the closet or not? But I CANNOT understand why the fuck youngsters need to prove they have attitude by eating goat's balls (on Roadies) ? And that guy? The bald and the ugly: Raghu? He displays so much fake ego that he gives complex to Rakhi Sawant's cleavage display act.

MTV and [V] are the reasons why those angel type peaceful Haryanvi Taus (Khap Panchayat fame) have turned so much anti-love. After all, if you watch 'Axe ur Ex', 'Splitsvilla' etc crap; wouldn't you want to shout ''What the Khap??'' and go full Sunny Deol-isque bonkers on channel people's asses?



(Image source here). Way to go Assholes.


3] KASHMIR PROBLEM

Can someone please tell me what is Kashmir's problem? Frankly, I just dont get it. Its the only state where people enjoy superior property rights as against their counterparts from other states. Moreover, Indian Govt spends tonnes of cash for Kashmir's development. Dont believe me? Take a look at this NY Times article then ( Link ) . Notice this sentence in that >

''You expect a Jaffna; you expect a Palestine; you expect a Lebanon,'' Parvez Dewan, the divisional commissioner of Kashmir, said of Srinagar. ''You find a boom town.''

Seriously WTF Man? Independence from what? Only a small proportion of Kashmiris are agitating for independence. Kinda like Khalistanis who demanded a separate nation. But lets not get too much into this. This is a goldmine worth a full blogpost. Kashmir's problem basically is the way it is treated. Govt., Separatists, Army's topmost brass, Infiltrators etc see it only as a cash pie; people and army soldiers be damned.

Frankly speaking, Article 370 which gives certain special powers to J&K was such a gigantic stupidity that has ridiculed the very notion of J&K being an integral part of India.

And whenever, I see those separatists assholes who do nothing but raise pro-Paki slogans and mislead innocent people; I just want to dig out a handpump (Sunny Paaji in Gadar style) and go ballistic on their fuckin asses.

4 ] NEWS CHNLS, TV & REALITY BYTES / BITES

We all know news channels & reality shows are stupid. I wont repeat the reasons for I have already explored the magnitude of this shit in my earlier posts:


5 ] ARCHIES SPONSERED VARIOUS "DAYS"

We are stupid, gullible people. Otherwise what can explain the dumbfuckery of naming random days as occasions like Valentines Day in order to only make Arhchies , Hallmark etc richer? Frankly speaking, I dont buy the bullcrap that days like Fathers', Mothers, Lovers', Sons', Daughters' blah blah are there to celebrate these bonds and relations. The only situation in which I will need a stupid special day to "realise" my love for my parents or gf or friends will be if I dont give a damn about them at all. Then to hide my guilt, I will commemorate a special day, buy expensive and irrational gifts and cards, make those fat capitalist bastards at Archies etc richer and will feel happy.

Anyhow, I am not saying that we dont need these special days at all. We do. But only those which are important; such as:

> Rahul Mahajan Day : Day where you can laugh in a stupid way all day long while beating up random girls on street shouting "Mahajan-Man strikes back! ".

> Intelligence Day: When we all can realise that we do actually have brains and we love it and we will use it the whole day; unlike other days when we only use it to remember where we had put the damn remote so as to switch on the TV and watch Balika Vadhu.

**

These are the 5 biggest scams in our country. You might be wondering why the hell 'Religion' aint there despite the fact that it destroys minds in a bigger and more awesome way. Well, Religion aint a scam. Its a disease. Thats why it merits a full post. And so, you might want to see this.. my earlier post "appreciating" religion.

** May we all have the strength to fight these Scams! Amen !

Cheers......... Hic !!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

WANNA BE HAPPY? BE NEGATIVE.. BE FRUSTRATED !


I will start by giving credit for this post's motivation to those specific people who have constantly commented on my posts and/ or mailed me asking me to do only one thing: Be Positive !

Like this comment here on my earlier post " Love and all that bullshit"

"Good write-up bt u shldnt be negative . Rather than imagination, it breeds depression dnt u think ?"

or this mail here i got from *****@gmail.com after my post on Socialism -

"well ! Why dont you just go and drown yourself?? Have you ever been to villages? Capitalism has ruined every fuckin thing! Go to Bengal. See what that Nano fiasco did! For the sake, look at events positively moron!! "

Well, after readin the above mail, I did two things:

1) Laughed so hard at this person that my tears came out
2 ) Started thinking that which villages to visit first? Rich-coz of-capitalism villages of Gujarat or poor-coz of-socialism Bengal and UP, Bihar villages ? Thats another matter anyways..

The common point in both these and some other mails was "BE POSITIVE". And trust me, nothing bites me on my ass more than this stupid term.

Infact, I declare.. by the virtue of personal experience.. If you want to be happy in life,

BE NEGATIVE. LOVE YOUR FRUSTRATION.

You ofcourse shouldnt be a total jerk but shouldnt be a total heavenly angel either. In the similar fashion, you shouldnt just sit and curse others in frustration. You should do something creative with that bottled up feeling. Else, you are just a crapbag.

Lets face it. Being positive the way world defines it, makes one stupid. Ever seen those dumbfuck K-type soap operas on TV? Their protagonists are like damn angels. TRPs love them. People of India love them. People of Pakistan love them (because it gives them hope that Indians will turn more stupid than them if they keep watching such serials.. although it can never be possible because we might get stupider, but we can never beat a nation whose only major export is a fuckin jehadi!).

But are those protagonists intelligent? Do they have good lives? NO. They are the ones who are always fucked, cheated, thrown out of the house, kicked in balls etc etc etc. Now you may say; "But Mayank! They do win in the end, dont they?". Well, yes.. but thats a serial whose story is tweaked in a way thats supposed to make them win. In real life, they will be a fried toast.

Coming to real life now.. look at all the good people / nations around us. Look at India. We are such an angel nation, arent we? Pakistan, US, China scold us, humiliate us but ooo! we love peace! We are so good. And what have we achieved by being good? Dog food. Yes. When assholes like this Dow spokeswoman (Kathy Hunt) can make remarks (in context of the Bhopal tragedy) such as "$500 is good enough for an Indian" ; what standing do you think we have in the world's eyes?

Anyways, coming to people now; does anyone remember a certain Mr Jawahar Lal Nehru? Now frankly, I respect him because of his vision regarding education and heavy industry in India. But , out of sheer goodwill, he denounced a sureshot UN general assembly seat in China's favor. And what results did his famous 'Panchsheel' yield? The betrayal of 1962 when Chinese forces had reached upto Lucknow.

There are thousands of examples but this post isnt about that. Its about "being negative and being happy". Frankly, the world is a crappy and shitty place full of deutche-bags who dont give a shit for you. So, why be an angel for this set of demented minds? Why try to be good for everyone, trust them and see goodness in them when they DONT have it? Assholes who constantly worship during Navratri nights but kill new born girls on other days dont have goodness in them. Terrorist bitches who kill our innocent citizens and soldiers have no goodness in them. If you think they have.. go get yourself a medic. Except your friends and parents (not even damn relatives), why care for anyone else in the end? Trust me, being negative helps.

The world is full of crap. Being overtly good means you take loads of it and ultimately get buried in.. right! a pile of shit!

Be negative and frustrated. Channelize your anger and negativity into something that makes you feel like you own the world. Look at genius "baddies" like Einstein or Michelangelo. Or Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon. They and their types are the people who dont come here to fade away. They instead take the world by its horns and own it.

Now, I know many people will read this and say "Mayank! Dont you think that we will go to hell if we arent good"? Well, three words for you: Get a brain! If you are overtly good and let morons fuck you every now and then by taking advantage of you, trust me.. you wont reach heaven. Infact God will slap you on your ass and ask you a basic ques. "Why the hell you wasted your life"?

Theres a very simple fact. We all have passions which this world seldom understands and if it does, it simply works to belittle them or destroy them. So, why give a damn? Lets be cynical, negative and a skeptic. And lets be creative. Peace!


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Monday, August 9, 2010

THE BIRTH OF THE MAHAJAN-MAN !

My previous post saw the rise and advent of a new superhero: THE MAHAJAN-MAN. Now, before we move on to his missions; let me share with you the story of the advent.. the gripping and emotional saga of >

THE BIRTH OF THE MAHAJAN-MAN !

***********

It was June 2006 ....

The 24 X 7 news channels were slowly starting to develop their stupid side; but still they had some intelligence

TV was stupid but not whole day... there was still sense..

Atleast some of the darn shows on channels actually made sense. There was despair everywhere... Innocent families were SICK of this still-left intelligence....
(image courtesy here)

News channels didnot know how can they promote stupidity full day.. The producers had to insert intelligent news in between to fill up the spaces.. They were sad and depressed. They didnot know what to tell their sad and hungry (for downright stupidity) kids.


(image courtesy here)

But just like everytime, We Indians didnt give a shit for our fellow suffering citizens. However, this time, something was different.

Something weird was about to happen at a Mumbai party that June night. Something that was about to change this world as we knew it. But what?

--

A regular party in Mumbai that day...


Everyone was happy.. drinks were flowing.. there were no issues.

but suddenly....



Everything went blank! And out came a voice from the skies:












THE SAME NIGHT....... OVER THE TOP OF GATEWAY OF INDIA, A NEW HERO WAS BORN

THE MAHAJAN-MAN !

(image courtesy here)

And thats the story of the BIRTH OF MAHAJAN-MAN!

Be happy you moronic world.. we have our savior !

Stay tuned for his adventures...................

Cheers !

-

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

PRESENTING THE NEW AWESOME SUPERHERO : Rahul Mahajan or, THE MAHAJAN-MAN !

Arent we all tired of same old dumbfuck superheroes like superman who are so idiot that they openly flaunt their red underwear in public ? I mean, sure; they may be washing it everyday but what the hell ??

Do we want suckers like spiderman who , instead of saving the world, run around that dumbass Mary Jane?

Or Shaktiman? Nooooooo !

We want a real superhero ! A hero who can save us from annihilation !

A hero who wont run after a girl like spiderman; but instead beat the hell out of her and proceed on to save the world!

A hero who can tell Suresh Kalmadi to shut the fuck up and work instead.

A hero who will prevent us from watching intelligent stuff on TV and destroying our brains !

Is there anyone like that around? WHERE THE FUCK is the REAL hero?

Well... people, your wishes have been answered for here he is >



THE MAHAJAN-MAN !

A fuckin awesome superhero with amazin powers and weapons such as:

BEAT-BOMBS: Particularly useful against women opponents. Mahajan-Man does nothing but simply beat the crap out of them vamps and settles the fucking issue once in for all. Highly effective during feminist protests and against Arundhati Roy types!

DEADLY LAUGH-O-GRENADE: Dont ever try to be a funny villain (Hope Mr Suresh Kalmadi listens!) coz Mahajan-Man will simply use his deadly laughter to irritate the shit out of you! Go.. joke at your own peril asshole!

DIMPY-LEGS 1 : Awesome defense mechanism against tough rivals. Dimpy shows off her leg and distracts opponents in case of attack while Mahajan-man kicks their butt!

DIMPY-LEGS 2 : Used against gay and emotional type opponents. Dimpy shows off her leg with bruises and injuries. While the damn faggots say "Awww" and cry, Mahajan-man saves the world by kicking their pink arses!

And the list goes on...................

Finally a superhero who can save us from hell! How? By promising an even bigger hell !

Stay tuned for his adventures...................................................

>> Coming up > Mahajan-man saves commonwealth games !

CHEERS .......... Or as Mahajan-man puts it: HIC HIC and BLOODY HIC!



Monday, August 2, 2010

AN OPEN LETTER: JILTED GUY TO HIS EX- GIRLFRIENDS !

Disclaimer: Just an imaginative post concerning a random guy writing to his exes. Any resemblance to thousands of poor guys out there.. will ofcourse NOT be a co-incidence ! Any resemblance to me, however, is purely a co-incidence. Those who think otherwise.. have no way of confirming anyways.

****

To whomsoever it may concern,

I am taking this opportunity to convey my deepest regards for the kind emotional atyachaar you girls have put me through! Ah! I remember those days when I was full of energy and innocence. When I used to believe that love is a real thing and not the crude thing they show in Mallu soft-porn movies (great timepass really!). Heck! I used to believe that love is the power that drives us. How naive I was!

But thanks to you all for teaching me a valuable lesson: Love exists only in two places > Shahrukh's movies and tacky rooms where Mallu couples mingle. Rest is all bullshit.

I sincerely thank you all for putting my mind through so much of pressure and crap that its fighting death nowadays and the only thing standing between its complete annihilation and life is beer.. loads of it!

There were so many moments when I cared for you so honestly and deeply. But sadly, you wanted pretensions. You didnot want a genuine caring bf.. you wanted flashy dudes; yeah that asshole who pretends to care but is interested in only one thing. Yup, the same guy who wants to go ballistic with every female species on two legs. And this attitude of yours pushed my mind further into a sinkhole.

What is with you anyways? You showed me valley of flowers in the beginning but as I got sucked further into your trap and started caring for you genuinely at the cost of some of my selfish desires, you started the age old routine of taking me for granted. Every idiotic issue of yours began to become bigger and bigger while my sensible issues were treated the same way as Commonwealth games organizers are treating the taxpayers' money.. yes: Flushing Down the drain!

While you expected me to understand your issues, mine took a backseat. You didnt give a rat's ass about my concerns but expected me to be a Barrack Obama with yours! And when sometimes, I got frustrated; you came up with gems like "You know, you have changed!" or the classic one-liner "You dont love me anymore!" . Yeah right! While you sleep peacefully at night, I feel like a chicken about to be "jhatka-fied" and I dont love you anymore??

Hell, while I believe in the concept that love is something to cherish, you come up with exact opposite stuff. We may have talked the whole day but I forgot to call you at night as I was dead tired (yes babe.. dead tired because I was working and earning so as to buy damn gifts for your 'numerous' occasions!) and you go Agnee missile on my ass. Convenient!

And dont get me started on that hypocrisy of yours. While you expected me to be a super-human ; you continued to be a "oh-galti-se-mistake-ho-gaya-sorry" type human. Imperfect, I mean. I was supposed to understand your unspoken words and your unsaid feelings while you conveniently brushed aside my visible pain because you are only human and cant understand every damn thing! Yeah Right! Thats what I call a bullcrap. Now I know how a fly feels when we squat the little prick brutally.

Eh, whats the use of grudge anyways? I dont think love will ever be the same again for me.. you know> SRK types; but who cares? Atleast I will be more cautious now. Heck, I still wont be the pretentious jerk whose soul / sole-motive is to "use and throw" but I will be cautious in one thing: I wont be the fly this time.. I will be the windshield.

Thanks, you morons .. goodbye and have a happy life..

Cheers
Sad guy (Applications for a new GF* invited.)

*Conditions apply
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