Friday, November 5, 2010


Karan Johar will soon be back with 'Coffee with Karan' - season 3. Watching its ads reminded me .. again .. how fake and plastic this world is. No doubt popular, but this show is a damn good tutorial in 'fakeness'. Different B'wood stars crooning all over with plastic smiles and unbearable level of excitement .. too much.

As an example > I remember the episode when Gauri Khan & Suzanne Roshan were guests. KJo simply mentioned Jaya Bachchan and both ladies went off with statements like " oh, shes a beautiful lady " ; "oh shes marvelous" , "Shes such a humanitarian" blah blah. The fakeness was evident on their faces. Had she not been "Mrs Bachchan", I dont think both ladies would have been terribly excited. That one moment defined the whole show for me.

Anyhow, this aint about the show. Its about fake people. And their Diwali.

(Image source > HERE)

Basically these people sicken me. I remember visiting a dignitary's house (cant name as I dont want the whole political establishment running after my ass) on diwali, with dad when I was 10. The guy and family (wife, 2 kids) had bought loads of crackers which they gave to their "chamchas / servants". All guests were made to sit on comfortable chairs in the lawn. All this while, I had the classic WTF expression on my innocent face. I had no fuckin idea of the proceedings.

And thats when, it happened. The chamchas started lighting those crackers one by one and guests did nothing but to marvel and applaud after every 'burst'. The ending was greeted with a standing ovation. After the show was over, everyone exchanged gifts and proceeded for dinner.

Now, that day was a life changer for me. During the proceedings, my mood was constantly changing from 'WTF' to 'Are these people morons' to 'Get me outta here!' and finally to 'Nirvana! I am leaving this world! I have had enough' .

That day I realised that :
  1. Fakeness is in plenty
  2. It sucks and is downright stupid
  3. If you happen to be at the middle of it, you are badly screwed
  4. I may be only 10, but I am smarter than these jackasses who made a show out of their cracker bursting.
  5. Damn! I need a forum to vent my anger over this type of shit.
Ok. I may not have realised the last point but you get the gist.

The one thing fake people like ( or hate? ) on Diwali is the gifting. For these people, Diwali - the festival - means only one thing: Gifting and be gifted. They keep track over who has / hasnt yet given gifts to them. And they are forever making lists of people whom they have to gift.. out of sheer obligation ofcourse. And Be damned if the "gifted" ones dont gift them back. All hell breaks loose. The 'fakies' hurl all sorts of abuse on them while relaxing (after a grueling gift journey) in the cozy confines of their house.

Their first reaction to the gift isnot the spirit but the monetary value attached to it. Infact, their mathematical calculations can put even Einstein to shame. Heres a genius formula ( Copyright: The Fake People Group Corporation Limited , Regd office: India TV studios.)

Let the monetary value of the gift received at a 'fakie' household be : M1
Let the actual value of person giving that gift i.e. the 'usefulness' of that person to fakies : P1
Let the monetary value of gifts to be distributed by the fakies : M2

Let the Diwali spirit be : S

  • In case of fakies, S is always equal to Zero.
  • Also, M2 will be at max, equal to M1 and never exceed it (except once.. explained below). Its a rule. Even a law in some cities.
  • If however, P1 > M1 ; M2 can be > M1 as M1 becomes secondary to " ye saala banda kaam ka hai" feeling.
So.. thats the way it is. I just wish people .. like your neighbors , cousins etc etc become less fake but I know I am wishing just too much. Diwali should be for an awesome spirit and enjoying the atmosphere around. Those who think otherwise ... Eh! who the fuck cares about them?



[ Leaving you with an awesome song that defines my mood right now:

And the lyrics..................



Harish said...

hate these people who just shows off on any and every occasion they can.

Alka Gurha said...

Other then a few genuine friends yes, most things are fake..Even Smiles. And yes gifting is BIG more so in North India. I was in Blore last Diwali and we exchanged simple gifts like diyas...It was less ostentatious.

Sandeep Kodam said...

and it's not just diwali!!!let fake people be fake,else how could we know who is not fake?
@Bittersweet Symphony-wonderful song
Oh,I got the book,will be starting in a few days...thank you and
Happy Diwali :D (D for Diwali)

Nidaa C said...

Jus Diwali? Duh! B'day, Wedding, Eid, Newyear the list go on...
"She gave a 5k worth saree for me. So my gift shud be of atleast 5.5k"

Alpha Za said...

haha, great post.

Gifting is an art form, just think of expensive items and buy the made in China version.

Afshan said...

the fake fake world.......i too need a break :)
nice post mayank!
put the frustration aside and njoy the festival in ur own style

zephyr said...

That was one vitriolic post! Yes, money defines the person, at least in the Capital. Things are catching up in the south too, Alka! It is a pan Indian culture -- pomposity.

Happy Diwali to everyone.

Do read my take on Designer Diwali too.

ash89 said...

Happy Diwali! May God keep u away from the fake morons!

Priya shah said...

Awesome again .. I loved the word 'fakie' hehe ... Happy Diwali :)

Giribala said...

Poor you! Fortunately the fakies keep a distance from me!

Mayank said...

@Alka.. I guess the phenomena is catchin up everywhere slowly ..

@Nidaa.. yup. Occasion is just an excuse fr showin off nwdays.

@Afshan, Ash .. Happy diwali to you too.

@Zephyr.. Happy diwali. Will read the post on dsgnr diwali...

@Giribala.. They dont bug me either... keep a distance from everyone who isnt 'one of them'. Ths post is a general satire on them.

Pratibha The Talent said...

Great post on the subject ;Yes agree their are people who fake for the sake of festivals,show off and even try to fake god by giving more bribe to the priests and to do puja first for them.People exists with more than two faces but why to give attention to such people ,WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN BEHAVIOUR and I THINK THE ONLY CHOICE IS IGNORE such people.Happy diwali and let spread positivity on this festive season.

Anonymous said...

Man, You Rock!

nOt anyone you know said...

i swear by that track.