Saturday, November 20, 2010

TYPES OF GUESTS AT A HINDU WEDDING


(image courtesy: here)

The wedding season is upon us again (God save the 'victims'). Now, I generally find the fun and frolic involved in our hindu marriages very entertaining. Its doubly entertaining for single people like me who can pity the "victims" and have fun while checkin out pretty girls. But this post aint about that. Its about the various types of crowd present in any hindu wedding. Now seriously, be it airport or railway station or any mall etc public place; my favorite timepass is to observe the funny histrionics of crowd. And these just magnify ten folds during a wedding. Anyhow, lets take a look at different types of guests shall we?

(1) THE BORED PEOPLE

These people go around with a big 'why-the-fuck-am-here' expression on their faces. Generally includes middle aged uncles who dont really know anyone there but their wives have friends with whom they get lost in conversations. They are generally found roaming alone near snack counters or sitting & staring at one place.

(2) THE BITCHERS (or CURSE-ERS)

They have only one aim in life: Bitching. Their 'act' starts as soon as they enter the venue. They criticise/curse the venue, the bride / groom, their parents, other people, their friends, relatives and most importantly, food ; while they fill their plates with third installment of palak paneer and daal makhani alongwith their 9th chapati. They have a constant irritated expression on their faces which turns into a fake smile when someone they know greets them. They are always playing manipulative politics and live their life round it. Generally include middle aged couples who are in the wedding because thats the most happening activity in their otherwise fucked up lives.

(3) FASHION TV MODELS

Includes single girls and guys (mostly girls) in 20-30s. Those around 25 like me, are most probably be suffering from quarter life crisis. That makes them bit annoyed but they still enjoy nevertheless. The 'Models' can be divided into 2 sub-categories - Singles and Committed. Singles are the happier lot bacause they can check out each other without guilt. Girls do their best to look absolutely hot in Indian attire and grab attention while guys spend time discussing who will look good even when the heavy makeup will wear off and who'll be whose 'bhabhi' out of the hot chicks. Talking about this, we guys like to avoid confrontation. So we beforehand decide which girl will be ours and hence, others' sis-in-law. We may not talk to that girl ever but still this is an awesome age-old method to avoid any confusions in trivial matters.

(4) THE 'AUNTIES'

The most entertaining of the lot. The most hilarious ofcourse are the ones with such a garish makeup that it starts 'melting' like an iceberg as soon as the first sweat drops appear on their foreheads due to excessive clothing. 'Aunties' are funny everywhere but particularly in weddings in and around Delhi, you find them asking the guy at icecream counter for an "asscream" (accent). Notice how I put the word 'aunties' in quotes. Its because they are very different from the usual ladies. The 'aunty' is a special one- yes, you got that right - ones who are constantly heckling the poor youngster for marriage. The full description of how they trick you into marriages can be found in my earlier post: A Tribute to the 'Aunties'.

(5) THE FOODIES

Sole purpose: Food at the wedding- others be damned. Starting right from the first paneer tikka that the waiter serves as a starter, they go upto the last sweetdish being available on the menu. Their food plates are often like our country. Just like India has so many different cultures, their plates have all kinds of different foods - often a symbol of cultural harmony. The Gujrati dhokla co-exists peacefully with Bengali 'roshogulla'. The Marathi dishes live in harmony with typical UP, Bihar dishes. And ofcourse, the palak paneers and daal makhanis - the panjabi dishes. They are joined in by Chapatis and rice. Pickles and papad get lost in the crowd but are still there.

These people are often also known as the 're-fillers'. They can refill their plates faster than Dolly Bindra can hurl abuses at people. Most of them have an added theory - a theory which can make Newton proud - The Theory of 'Value Equality'. It states that:

The value of the food eaten at the weddings must atleast equal that of the gift presented to the wedding couple by them.

God bless the foodies.

(6) THE DISCUSSERS

These people are like a mini-parliament - in session everywhere. Be it a wedding or train, they are always discussing one issue or the other and often include 'armchair activists' - people who do nothing more than just sitting on their armchairs and criticising the politicians , country etc etc. These people have no interest in whats going on in the wedding. They just find a corner and go on discussing issues like corruption, elections, Rakhi sawant etc.

(7) THE CONFRONTATIONAL MORONS

Their motto in life: We have no attitude & self-belief. We cant tackle life. So we'll take on the 'little' people to feel good.

They usually get into fights such as:
  • Quality of food - with waiter / caterer;
  • Quality of arrangements - with members of bride's family, if from groom's side ; with the tent-wallahs if from bride's.
And my personal fav. bacause of entertainment quotient:

  • With the bandwallahs over the tunes being played!
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There are many categories & sub-categories and thats chiefly because of such a diverse array of people we have in our country. I cant cover all but I will pray though: Long live the weddings.. long live the entertainment .. and ofcourse, the humor they provide!

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Cheers.........................................

13 comments:

Alka Gurha said...

Hey, I was a witness to all these interesting characters yesterday at a wedding reception..A discering eye for detail is what u have..However I am wondering which category I belong to...Certainly NOT the Made up Aunty...Please.

Priya Shah said...

hehe.. brilliant observational post :)

ash89 said...

I think you covered all the categories. Aunties are bloody entertaining. And the way they dance!! Super funny :D

zephyr said...

That was a comprehensive list of guests. I am always uneasy in big marriages and try to scoot as fast as possible.

Radha said...

Inspite of knowing that the marriages are full of funny characters I do enjoy them.....:))
In future, It will be easy for me to categorise them from ur lovey observational post:))
WELL DONE!!

Harish said...

hi, loved it. especially the part on foodies..

Anonymous said...

One category you forgot is the Children(the 8-15 range) who have no clue why they are there, but are just dragged along by their parents..

Also dude, where do you get such awesome ideas for posts?
you could start giving seminars on stuff like this..

Anonymous said...

Ooooh! This is a point mentioned. I love it when everything in place and in this case is understandable to mere mortals.

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS said...

@All... thanx for appreciating :)

Som said...

Your blend of Satire and Slapstick is nice ... but you can make it even better.

It is so amazing that The Models after a few years turn into Aunties

;-) .. what a transformation ...

IcyCoolDubey said...

Extremely well observed and expressed....I am a total fan of this one... :) great work...

Niket said...

Dude, a seriously fatka post...'the confrontational morons' being the best from the lot...

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it