Sunday, November 28, 2010

MY OBITUARY


[ Futuristic post]

After my self-criticism, heres the next level : My obituary. The inspiration for the idea was a scene from the movie 'Serendipity'. And trust me, writing it aint that hard at all.

So, here goes:

--

As I would like it to appear in newspaper columns.....

Disgruntled Genius (DG) died yesterday of natural causes after the stupidity and fakeness prevalent in the world (growing by the minute) took its toll on him.

DG, as we know, had a pretty awesome blog - WTF is going on? - which was his crusade against all the irritations in the world. He had hoped that the blog's theme of political incorrectness regarding stupidity around and ranting against it will help in keeping his mind from going bonkers. But, it proved otherwise. The fatal blow finally came yesterday when Rakhi Sawant won the nobel for her efforts towards bringing peace to the world through her show 'Rakhi ka Insaaf'. DG, as always, decided to "analyze" this through an awesome blogpost - 'How Mahajan-Man saves Nobel'. But before he could even start, his mind and heart stopped working, almost at the same time. In this way, we can say that he martyred himself in the line of duty.


Talking about his mind and heart, this was the only time when they were in sync otherwise they were always at a conflict. While DG was a true romantic at heart, his mind was all practical and steady. Or rather, emotionless. As he himself once famously said, " The world is always so adamant on forcing shit up your ass, you cant help but becoming indifferent!". He was an optimistic person although in his last few days, he had become quite cynical which wasnt without reasons as he believed the world is truly going to the dogs.

DG was a good friend.He loved traveling and considered his backpack a sacred thing. He disliked religions and all those preachy TV Gurus. He never quite understood why people need some guru to tell them how to live? He had limited wishes which included noble causes like SRK announcing his retirement, Sachin lifting the World Cup trophy and ofcourse, a ban on idiocy , that is MTV.

DG wasnot a perfect person neither he desired to become one. He loved his life and always lived it with full-on attitude despite it being a bitch. He believed in love despite its tendency of hurting always and he loved himself - despite him being one big confused screw-up.

DG maynot be missed at all but his legacy will never die - the legacy which gave a new superhero to the world and brought respect to the term 'lazy ass'.

Love you DG. You truly lived by what you said - "Wont die before death. FTW!".


------------------

Thursday, November 25, 2010

TYPICAL 90s BOLLYWOOD LOVE ISHTORY ..


The 90s was the decade of cheesy Bollywood romances - DDLJ, Kuch kuch hota hai, Mohabbatein etc . The common elements in them : SRK and mushy dialogues - sometimes so cheesy that you had to sit with bread in your hand to grab the extra cheese !

I always wanted to combine all these into an ultimate herculean mega romantic fest. And got a chance, when the other day me and my good friend were discussing such a 90s story - for her. So, Ms R .. heres to you: (tried to keep cheesi-ness at minimum.. but well.....)

ACT-1

In the capital of the land of Oscar winning Bhojpuri cinema i.e. Uttar Pradesh, there lived a simple and sweet girl named Anjali. She had a smile to kill for. She was a normal girl-next-door with normal dreams such as having unabated lifetime supply of chocolates. She had read every Mills and Boons novel and had normal 'fantasies'. The most priceless but normal dreams were reserved for her prince charming. She truly believed in the normal age old funda - 'Someone somewhere is definitely made for you' .

After finishing her grads, Anjali took admission into JNU. Yes, the other mini-Kolkata of Delhi apart from C.R. Park. The place which is the hub of "I wont shave until Naxaliites and Kashmiris get freedom" leftist intellectual dudes and smokin hot leftist intellectual chicks. Such was the new world of Anjali. She wasnt at all interested in politics for her eyes were always searching for her prince (not the kid who fell into a pit & became famous). Everytime she thought about 'him', a creepy yet soulful Yash chopra movie type background music with Lata Mangeshkar's voice mixed in that began to rang in her ears. She was becoming restless day by day waiting for her prince and thats when she became an addict - of facebook and especially Mafia Wars & Farmville. While she owned huge green farms in Farmville, her offline life was not all green.

During her studies, she got a chance to go to Meghalaya for her Phd synopsis. Just when she was about to board the plane at Delhi's IGIA, she felt something in her heart and she was sure its not a gastronomical thing but a real feeling. Why? Creepy background music with Lata's voice in that began to play out in her ears. But forgetting all that, she boarded the plane and landed at Shillong 3 hours later.

ACT-2

Anjali saw him there - at Shillong University- where she had gone for synopsis related work. He was wearing white clothes and was playing violin while saying "Insaan mar jaate hain par Mohabbatein kabhi nahi marti (People may die but not the romances)". He suddenly looked up and found her looking at him. Their eyes met and both knew- it was love at first sight. Anjali sort of blushed as she saw him coming towards her. He shook her hand and said " Hi. I am Raj Aryan. Naam toh suna hoga?". He also said, "I have a world famous blog 'What the hell is going on?'. Naam toh suna hoga?" She wanted to say 'Ghanta world famous!' but couldnt. There was something in his eyes - besides a tiny speck of hair - magic. But she had to go as she had work. She introduced herself and left while he stood there staring. He didnt even notice when a bird relieved itself on his white shirt.


Next few days were magical for Anjali. She used to meet Raj everyday at university but still they didnt say those three magical words (No! Not "whats your mail-id?") - 'I love you' - to each other. They both were lacking the courage. But both knew it nevertheless. Both had even dreamt of a romantic duet in Panjab's 'Sarso ke khet'. But couldnt tell each other.

And finally the day arrived when she was going back. He stood there outside the airport's departure gates watching her leave. Suddenly he said to himself "Anjali! Turn back." . And she did. Turned back, smiled and waved goodbye. And he knew she definitely loved him. But they still didnt say that to each other.

ACT -3

Back in Delhi, she returned to her normal JNU life but couldnt forget Raj. Life was all OK until one day her family told her that they have created her profile on shaadi.com and expect her to marry soon. She was dejected but couldnt muster the courage to tell her folks about Raj for she herself wasnt sure whether Raj loved her.

And then it happened one night. Raj called and finally said 'I love you'. He had to drink 3 beers and 1 quarter vodka to do it but he did. Tears came running down Anjali's cheeks. She was in seventh heaven. She decided at once that she'll tell her parents about Raj.

ACT -4

"NO! Not Raj Aryan!" , Anjali's father screamed while throwing Raj's picture away. Anjali was shocked at this. Her father continued, "Do you know who he is?". Before Anjali could say anything, he said, "He is the son of my bitterest enemy!". He, then, told her an old family secret. A secret which had blood and emotions written all over it. He told her how Raj's grandfather had defeated his father - Anjali's grandfather - in a reality show named 'Uttar Pradesh Idol". Since then, the enmity has been running through generations and he'll never allow her to marry Raj Aryan. She cried and pleaded but her father tore apart Raj's pic, broke her phone and thundered that he'll fix Anjali's marriage with the first guy who contacts him after seeing her shaadi.com profile.

ACT-5

Anjali was getting married soon - at her hometown - Lucknow. Her father had fixed her up with a doctor from Bhopal. Upon hearing this, her friends in JNU arranged a candle-light protest march at the campus in order to protest against this act. That didnt help but got Barkha Dutt to interview them anyway; so they were happy. When Raj got to know this (upon watching NDTV where Dutt was interviewing the protesters), he decided at once that he should get his love back. He booked his tickets and flew to Delhi at once. From there, he reached Lucknow- the same day Anjali was to get married- and didnt waste anytime. He then took out his iPhone, accessed his FB account and went to Anjali's now dormant profile. There he saw her address and at once declared " Main aa raha hoon Anjali! Main aa raha hoon!".

ACT -6

Anjali was sitting sadly by her window when she suddenly saw a rickshaw stopping just near her house gates and Raj stepping down from it. She couldnt believe her eyes. Tears again started rolling down her cheeks. Her mother who had come into the room a while ago noticed all this and thought about her youthful days. She decided that her daughter wont marry against her wishes. She was also crying but she had a mission now. She went down, paid the rickshaw fare and secretly brought Raj to Anjali's room.

And so, here they were. Anjali, her mom & Raj - all crying. Suddenly Anjali's mom spoke to Raj (while crying) : "Raj, meri beti ko bhaga le ja. No-one will understand your love here. Run away from these weasels". To which Raj replied (while crying): Nahi maa. I thought about this earlier but ab nahin. I will talk to her dad and sort everything like a real man. Anjali then spoke up (while crying): "But if you go overboard in behaving like a man, my dad will simply contact his khap pals and well.. you know what they will do". Raj (little worried and still crying): "Trust me Anjali. Let me talk to babuji".

ACT-7

And so Raj bravely took his steps towards realising his true love. He went to Anjali's dad and told him how much he loved her. He said, "Babuji, hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, pyar bhi ek baar hota hai aur shaadi bhi (agar divorce na ho). Main apki beti ko bahut khush rakhoonga - har tarah se".

But Babuji was not in the mood to listen. He was getting angrier by the minute. After Raj finished speaking, babuji slowly came towards him. The silence and the tension was killing everyone. And then, babuji did it. He broke the silence by tightly slapping Raj and ordering his goons (hired for one day from ICICI bank's recovery branch) to beat Raj till he forgets Anjali.

The goons didnt think twice. They went all blue and black on Raj. Anjali couldnt do anything but pleading helplessly to her father to stop them. She even said she will marry that Bhopal doctor if he spares Raj. Her father relented upon hearing that and ordered the ICICI goons to stop and told Raj to go & never come back.

Raj stood up all bleeding. Blood was oozing out from every corner of his body. His white clothes and his violin were all soaked in blood. He looked at Anjali one more time and thought , "Saala! Jab mummyji keh rahi thi tabhi bhaga le jaata. Ghanta herogiri". Thinking this, he faded away from the scene while Anjali stood there crying. Her mother was also crying. And her little sister too. Their cute white pug was also sad. Basically, everyone was majorly sad except the angry dad.

ACT -8

It was around 8 PM and baaraat was standing right at Anjali's door. Anjali , all decked up for marriage, was understandably sad. Before going, Raj had told her he will be catching a train for Delhi and leaving her life forever at 10 PM. She was sad but couldnt cry as she didnt want to ruin the makeup. Ultimately, after all the shaadi rituals, the time for "saat phere" arrived. The doctor from Bhopal, whose name was Rahul, was upbeat (not for the marriage but the first night ahead) but a little suspicious too as Anjali was looking very sad. While the priest was chanting away shlokas, Rahul's eyes were fixed on Anjali. He finally asked her whats the matter. Hearing this, Anjali started crying and told him everything. Rahul smiled and told her, "Jo pyaar main tumhari aankhon mein apne liye dekhna chahta tha, wo maine Raj ke liye dekh liya hai. Lets go to the station at once". Everyone said WTF! Anjali said "Yeah baby!". Her dad shouted"Rahul Kamine ! You dare not". But who can stop two people in love from meeting?

ACT -9

Rahul & Anjali reached the platform just in time - 9.55 PM. When she couldnt find Raj in crowd, she just shouted his name (while crying). Suddenly, she saw Raj's blood soaked head popping out from a sleeper coach for Delhi bound train. She was so happy and crying. Rahul had the "Fuck My Life" expression on his face but was still happy and crying. Raj always cried no matter what. But before Anjali could run towards her lover, a hand - that of her dad - grabbed her arm from behind and stopped her. She kept on pleading with her dad to let go while he just stood there staring at Raj. The tension was increasing. The signal turned to green and the train began to move out of the platform. Anjali was still pleading. Babuji was still staring at Raj. Rahul still had FML expression. Other people in the crowd too grabbed popcorns and Coke.

And suddenly, Anjali's dad let go off her saying, "Ja beti. Sirf Raj hi tujhe khush rakh sakta hai. Ja, jee le apni zindagi". Everyone was shocked. So was Anjali. But she started running towards Raj who extended his arm towards her. He shouted "I LOVE YOU". She shouted, "SAALE! PULL THE CHAIN YOU MORON". Raj did that and the train stopped. Anjali came running and stopped just near to him. They both looked at each other and smiled. They didnt kiss as they wanted to eat Chlormint first for fresh breath. But nevertheless, they were happy. They boarded the train together. Later TT fined Anjali for travelling ticketless but nevertheless, her fairytale had come true. She was with her prince charming …. finally.

And they lived happily ever after.....

As they say,



Cheers.......... hic !

Monday, November 22, 2010

THE ART OF BAK-CHODI (Bullshit) - PART 2



I will never understand why we all love bakchodi so much. Theres so much around and it aint gonna end (even subside) in near future. This post 'analyses' two such bakchodis - which are nothing better than Rakhi Sawant's speech at the United Nations on matters of nuclear proliferation.

(1) THE 'EXPERTS'

'Experts' are people who think they are better than anyone else because they know so much about their topic. The reality, however, is that they are a bunch of hypocritic bakchods who dont deserve even 0.23 seconds of my attention. And within the 'experts' community, the stock market / economy experts take bakchodi to ridiculous levels. These people have some 'set' sentences which they utter all the time and now will be analysed for their real meaning as follows:

What Stock Market / Financial expert (SMFE) says: Invest in stock XYZ. Its future is bright.
What he really means: Damn! I myself have invested in XYZ! I have to make it sound attractive come what may else am ass-fucked!

What SMFE says: ABC company has good fundamentals. I have talked to their higher management and they seem upbeat about future.
What he really means: Fuck! I couldnt even get appointment to see the gatekeeper of ABC company. But I will make it sound good as I have bought its stocks! Lord, save my ass please!

What SMFE says: The economy will bounce back / grow higher in 6 months.
What he really means: I am just guessing! Besides, whos gonna remember what I said after 6 months anyways? FTW!

The grand economic recession of 2008-09 which struck at the same time my MBA placements were to start was the proof that SMFEs just guess everything and are utterly useless. The basic point is that these SMFEs dont know jack-shit about anything. They just pretend and earn millions for doing nothing. In this way, its a dream job and thats why they should be respected - for being the biggest weasels around!

Hats off to you fuckin morons!

(2) RECENT BARKHA DUTT , VIR SANGHVI etc AUDIO TAPE CONTROVERSY

If 2G scam wasnt enough, now comes the journalists' audio tapes controversy in which a PR professional, Nira Radia has been found talking to top journos like Barkha, Vir sanghvi etc. and the transcript hints at a possible media-politics-corporate nexus to install A Raja as the telecom minister.

Now, Bakchodi regarding any issue cant get bigger than this. Did we really think that journos are noble souls out to make India a better place? Frankly, whoever did really believe this needs to undergo a brain installment surgery - FAST! And in any case, this so called scandal is nothing infront of the 'Paid news' scam.

But you cant beat the netizens of our country in bakchodi. Within minutes of the scam breaking out, our "facebook and twitter activists" sprung into action. "I hate Barkha dutt" etc pages were created within seconds and 1000s became 'members' within a jiffy. Everyone wrote fancy stuff like "These people are corrupt" or "hang them" etc etc on twitter and FB and considered their responsibilities over. Frankly speaking, just as 24000+ followers on "I hate khap panchayats" wont stop those old frustrated dudes from killing young lovers; such 'internet activism' wont take us anywhere. It will always be a bakchodi and remain a convenient form of 'protest' for some dude/chick who loves Rang De Basanti and THINKS (only thinks, no action) he should really do something for the nation.

Lord save us from bakchodi ..........

Cheers . . . . . . . .

Saturday, November 20, 2010

TYPES OF GUESTS AT A HINDU WEDDING


(image courtesy: here)

The wedding season is upon us again (God save the 'victims'). Now, I generally find the fun and frolic involved in our hindu marriages very entertaining. Its doubly entertaining for single people like me who can pity the "victims" and have fun while checkin out pretty girls. But this post aint about that. Its about the various types of crowd present in any hindu wedding. Now seriously, be it airport or railway station or any mall etc public place; my favorite timepass is to observe the funny histrionics of crowd. And these just magnify ten folds during a wedding. Anyhow, lets take a look at different types of guests shall we?

(1) THE BORED PEOPLE

These people go around with a big 'why-the-fuck-am-here' expression on their faces. Generally includes middle aged uncles who dont really know anyone there but their wives have friends with whom they get lost in conversations. They are generally found roaming alone near snack counters or sitting & staring at one place.

(2) THE BITCHERS (or CURSE-ERS)

They have only one aim in life: Bitching. Their 'act' starts as soon as they enter the venue. They criticise/curse the venue, the bride / groom, their parents, other people, their friends, relatives and most importantly, food ; while they fill their plates with third installment of palak paneer and daal makhani alongwith their 9th chapati. They have a constant irritated expression on their faces which turns into a fake smile when someone they know greets them. They are always playing manipulative politics and live their life round it. Generally include middle aged couples who are in the wedding because thats the most happening activity in their otherwise fucked up lives.

(3) FASHION TV MODELS

Includes single girls and guys (mostly girls) in 20-30s. Those around 25 like me, are most probably be suffering from quarter life crisis. That makes them bit annoyed but they still enjoy nevertheless. The 'Models' can be divided into 2 sub-categories - Singles and Committed. Singles are the happier lot bacause they can check out each other without guilt. Girls do their best to look absolutely hot in Indian attire and grab attention while guys spend time discussing who will look good even when the heavy makeup will wear off and who'll be whose 'bhabhi' out of the hot chicks. Talking about this, we guys like to avoid confrontation. So we beforehand decide which girl will be ours and hence, others' sis-in-law. We may not talk to that girl ever but still this is an awesome age-old method to avoid any confusions in trivial matters.

(4) THE 'AUNTIES'

The most entertaining of the lot. The most hilarious ofcourse are the ones with such a garish makeup that it starts 'melting' like an iceberg as soon as the first sweat drops appear on their foreheads due to excessive clothing. 'Aunties' are funny everywhere but particularly in weddings in and around Delhi, you find them asking the guy at icecream counter for an "asscream" (accent). Notice how I put the word 'aunties' in quotes. Its because they are very different from the usual ladies. The 'aunty' is a special one- yes, you got that right - ones who are constantly heckling the poor youngster for marriage. The full description of how they trick you into marriages can be found in my earlier post: A Tribute to the 'Aunties'.

(5) THE FOODIES

Sole purpose: Food at the wedding- others be damned. Starting right from the first paneer tikka that the waiter serves as a starter, they go upto the last sweetdish being available on the menu. Their food plates are often like our country. Just like India has so many different cultures, their plates have all kinds of different foods - often a symbol of cultural harmony. The Gujrati dhokla co-exists peacefully with Bengali 'roshogulla'. The Marathi dishes live in harmony with typical UP, Bihar dishes. And ofcourse, the palak paneers and daal makhanis - the panjabi dishes. They are joined in by Chapatis and rice. Pickles and papad get lost in the crowd but are still there.

These people are often also known as the 're-fillers'. They can refill their plates faster than Dolly Bindra can hurl abuses at people. Most of them have an added theory - a theory which can make Newton proud - The Theory of 'Value Equality'. It states that:

The value of the food eaten at the weddings must atleast equal that of the gift presented to the wedding couple by them.

God bless the foodies.

(6) THE DISCUSSERS

These people are like a mini-parliament - in session everywhere. Be it a wedding or train, they are always discussing one issue or the other and often include 'armchair activists' - people who do nothing more than just sitting on their armchairs and criticising the politicians , country etc etc. These people have no interest in whats going on in the wedding. They just find a corner and go on discussing issues like corruption, elections, Rakhi sawant etc.

(7) THE CONFRONTATIONAL MORONS

Their motto in life: We have no attitude & self-belief. We cant tackle life. So we'll take on the 'little' people to feel good.

They usually get into fights such as:
  • Quality of food - with waiter / caterer;
  • Quality of arrangements - with members of bride's family, if from groom's side ; with the tent-wallahs if from bride's.
And my personal fav. bacause of entertainment quotient:

  • With the bandwallahs over the tunes being played!
---

There are many categories & sub-categories and thats chiefly because of such a diverse array of people we have in our country. I cant cover all but I will pray though: Long live the weddings.. long live the entertainment .. and ofcourse, the humor they provide!

--

Cheers.........................................

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A LETTER TO MYSELF ......

Dear M,

No "Hi , how are you" etc niceties for you. I am forced to write this letter because I am feeling increasingly irritated at you! Have you closely observed yourself nowadays? I mean, fine, you havent become all hopeless but some of your habits off-late are bugging, really.

You got me right there. You have been pretty hard on Mahajan, SRK, Arundhati Roy, Rakhi Sawant etc etc while cleverly ignoring your own irritations. But its your turn now dude!

I just cant understand you really. Sure, you havent yet lost your intelligence in favour of "being part of the crowd". Its evident in your blog. Seriously dude, Mahajan-Man was awesome creativity. But some of the posts that you wrote like the one on Hrithik or that 'anti-good people' one are too much to digest! Common admit it. You wrote them because you didnt have any better ideas and you just wanted to write against something - anything, Right?

And whats with the hypocrisy regarding blogger contests? You dont like them because the "famous people" who judge them are talentless pricks who will never award the winner's spot to a post with intelligent sarcasm. Still, you bloody enter them. Like that contest on blogadda where you entered your awesome post on "Aunties" but still failed to win because of a moron who wrote an emotional account of his grandmother! WTF ! I hope you stop entering these. Besides, blogadda ? Common man! You can do better and you know it. You are getting offers from comic projects and magazines to do a comic/post - either Mahajan-Man or some other - but you will remain stuck in these contests, no? WTF Man??

Coming to your "offline" life, whats the matter there? You claim to be indifferent and not get effected by events but your ego boosts upto thousands of notches when some random chick recognises you in some random blogger meet and praises your sense of humor and sarcasm. Some indifference this huh? Did you see the funny look on your face then? Like you are the king of this world! King?? Really? You write a blog which quite nicely and thankfully isnot politically correct and calls a spade a spade but still is only one of the 10000s on blogosphere and cant really make much of a difference to society. I mean, no-one will stop watching Big Boss and start praising intelligence just because they read your blog. But still, you behave like you are the Barrack Obama of India. Get real beta!

Also, you have become fuckin lazy! Small Example? Your room's night lamp has a fused bulb since 5 days but you cant move your lazy ass to buy a new bulb from the market! You can sit infront of laptop playing games but cant move your sorry bum for real tasks. You procrastinate every conceivable situation till that situation is standing on top of your head with a big 'danda' (rod) in its hands. Sure, you eventually get the work done and good but you have to idiotically procrastinate, dont you?

And now the point which has really saddened me. You have always hated most of the world because of the fakeness and stupidity around but wheres that fighting spirit you used to treasure? Dont you remember those fine college days just an year or so back when you used to challenge and re-script every idiotic practice? I still cant forget those MBA days and those presentations. Sure, you cant forget that 'Presentation on management thinkers' in 1st semester where you used sarcasm to describe what thinkers preached unlike other morons who yanked away for 20 minutes citing how great those people were and in the process , making everyone go numb due to sleep.

Or, that presentation on "famous brands" where you showed a youtube video of a combination of several brands with Linkin Park's tracks playing in its background and the video even showing a couple kissing while sitting in their Bentley (loved that small Bentley Ad - awesome brand, this car!). Imagine that! 65 year old marketing professor evaluating that presentation with 50+ tense students waiting for their turn and you showing kissing videos as part of your project while playing Linkin Park!

Dont you remember that incident at railway station once? Some auto guy asked for 500 Rs fare to Airport from a foreigner dude and you couldnt take it? You risked a beating from autowallahs but made sure the foreigner paid the normal fare only. Where the fuck is that spirit? Nowadays you you dont wanna fight at all! You just blurt out an irritating "Watever!" or "Eh!" and go on with business. Your hate for the world has increased day by day and sadly, so has the indifference.

Now, let me give you a real good advice. Just because you got 100% on facebook's "how good a boyfriend will you be?" quiz, dont think that you are the perfect "boyfriend material" OK? Sure, you are witty, smart, intelligent, considerate etc and you have some real romantic ideas for dates but too much of self-obsession / narcissism is irritating. Get over it!

And no. You are not a real book lover. Why? You dont read novels ..almost at all. Just because you read a few sarcastic and good books now and then and you love & have read every Ayn Rand book and can debate endlessly on her philosophy; that doesnt mean you have become a book-lover. So, stop pretending that. Its irritating ok?

Sigh. What to say? I felt its my responsibility to tell you how irritating you are. I hope I got the message across. And if I havent, I would request you to pause those fucking computer games and pay attention here!

God save you dude.

Amen!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

MAHAJAN-MAN AND THE CURIOUS CASE OF RAKHI SAWANT


Our beloved superhero MAHAJAN-MAN ( Previous stories - THE BIRTH OF MAHAJAN-MAN : 1 & 2) is back! And this time, hes on a very dangerous mission. Read on....................

--

THE WORLD IN DANGER AS STUPIDITIES LIKE 'RAKHI KA INSAAF' AND 'BIG BOSS' ARE UNLEASHED

INNOCENT KIDS ARE TRAUMATISED BY RAKHI & BIG BOSS

ALL THIS WHILE, THE CRIMINALS WERE BEING HAPPY OVER THEIR POWERS

BUT ALL HOPE WASNOT LOST. FOR THERE WAS A SAVIOR.. THE SUPERHERO. THE GOD OF REALITY TV.

MAHAJAN-MAN !!!!!!


WHO COULD TOLERATE EVERYTHING BUT NOT THE FACT THAT RAKHI SAWANT HAS BECOME THE No 1 IN REALITY STUPIDITY SURPASSING HIM.
THAT SARA KHAN & ALI DECIDED TO MARRY ON BIG BOSS - LIVE ON TV !

AND THAT VAMPS ON TV ARE NO LONGER SMOKIN HOT !

AND SO...... MAHAJAN-MAN DECIDED TO SAVE OUR ASSES. THE SAVIOR !

WITH HIS BLOOD BOILING, MAHAJAN-MAN ROARED LIKE A CONSTIPATED LION:

WITH REVENGE ON HIS MIND, HE FLEW STRAIGHT TO RAKHI SAWANT'S SECRET HIDEOUT - THE TOILET IN THE BIG BOSS HOUSE


AND A FEROCIOUS FIGHT ENSUES.. THE SUPERHERO AND THE DREADED VAMP - THAT TOO IN THE BIG BOSS HOUSE.



THIS ATTACK SEVERELY WEAKENED MAHAJAN-MAN




SAWANT DECIDED TO USE HER MOST POTENT WEAPON NOW TO FINISH THE SAGA:





THE SMS; RATHER SOS, IS SENT..

AND REACHES ITS INTENDED RECIPIENT:

THE MAN .. RAKHI'S GREATEST ENEMY
TOTAL BADASS

NOT A SUPERHERO BUT STILL POSSESSING THAT SPECIAL POWER WHICH CAN KILL SAWANT

PRESENTING..

MIKA-MAN !

MIKA-MAN TO THE RESCUE !

MIKA-MAN WASTED NO TIME IN ATTACKS ...

AND THEN >


AFTERWARDS..



AND THE WORLD WAS SAFE AGAIN ..

WITH SAWANT & BIG BOSS GONE, MAHAJAN-MAN WAS ONCE AGAIN THE UNDISPUTED HERO OF THE MASSES !

THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD...



THE END.

Earlier Mahajan-Man:



Cheers............................

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

WHAT SEX MEANS TO INDIANS ?


Indians and Sex.

This is a relationship thats always strained. This, despite the fact that horny people all around the world are "positioning" themselves according to Kamasutra- given by us to the world.

Now, why the hell is 'Sex' a four letter word for us? We all are as horny as .. lets say, Americans or Brits or French ( although not as horny as Pakis because fucking a goat is where we draw the line). And we are fully aware of Khajuraho & Kamasutra.

Common face it. We all have come across irritating pricks ruining our nice time in parks by getting all desperate at 'strategic' locations and indulging in wild 'fluid discharging' sessions of grab this , touch that. Every city has some 'hot-spots'. Like Nehru Park or Budha jayanti park in Delhi. I say, if you have got a webcam or even a cameraphone, just go wild. Capture those pricks on camera and release the clips as some aesthetic movie ( remember Love, sex, dhokha?)

But then, why do we act like a deer caught in headlights the moment someone mentions the 'S' word? Why do we treat Sex as something worse than a Uday chopra movie?

After thoughtful investigations, I have come up with the following points - that explain the ways Indian treat their Sex:

WHAT THE KHAP? THE INDIAN "CULTURE"

Nowadays, the moment you start thinking about love & sex, you are 'Khap-ped' or 'Shiv Sena-fied'. Now, I firmly believe that Valentine day is the biggest bullshit ever to have been heaped upon our country by the Phoren dudes but I dont see any point in attacking lovers on the day - all in the name of "culture".

Frankly, for these Khap and Sena boyz, "culture" is what they think; not what reality is. But watever, I wont get into lengthy discussions about how our culture has always treated love and sex as sacred etc... you get the gist.

PARENTS PARANOIA

Paranoid parents who think that their teenage child is an angel and should be kept away from anything even remotely attached to Sex, are the biggest problems of all. For starters, no teenage prick is an angel today. Infact, screw them. No 'tween' (8-12 yrs) even, is innocent nowadays. This is evident from the following things>

  • MMS clips. DPS started it. Other schools have graciously followed suit.
  • Romance attached to an increase in social standing for pricks upon "doing it".
  • Increased communication gap between parents & their pricks.
Somedays back, I read a true account in Times of India by a girl whose parents gave her an ultimate Rahul Mahajan-isque shock. Whole her life they had shielded her from sex and its education. They got little worried at the time of her wedding. So, what do the morons did? They gave her some porn videos to watch and "learn".

Frankly speaking, this parental paranoia about sex education and the attitude towards sex is the major hurdle in developing a healthy thinking towards it on part of children / teenagers. And also the biggest side-cause of AIDS etc. because these parents' horny pricks dont know or think about "covering up" their acts with protection.



OUR SEMI-PORN / PORN INDUSTRY

This perhaps is an insult to sex on our part. Especially, the 'Mallu' sex clips. They are terribly funny rather then being even remotely close to erotic. Most of them have some common stuff and acts like:

  • During the whole 5-15 minute clip, the guy will confine himself to the chick's neck (reason being that she will thwart every attempt of the poor guy to kiss or to grab atleast a boob)
  • The whole exercise is done without nudity ( that makes it a porn that whole family can watch)
  • Both the 'actors' constantly wear a constipated look on their faces
  • The setting is always some shady bedroom ( some have Rajinikanth pics hanging on walls)
  • Background music is always some crappy instrumental dance bar sounds
I think you get the gist. Our semi-porn / porn industry is a perfect example of whats wrong with the way we view Sex.

Frankly, in no uncertain terms; if we dont grow up and behave maturely vis-a-vis sex, we are just gonna top the charts in AIDS and population. Sex is not a dirty word. Its not "banned" / condemned by religion ( Ask Nithyananda types). And its not just for procreation.

Its a basic necessity for humans. And if we dont treat it that way, we will simply give more ammo to an already frustrated society which treats its women as nothing but lust objects and gives a shit about them.

So, next time you find some modern 'dude' staring desperately at cleavage with his mouth watering, take pity on him and his parents and pray to God that we evolve as a society.

Cheers....................................

Friday, November 5, 2010

WHAT DIWALI MEANS TO A LARGELY 'FAKE' WORLD


Karan Johar will soon be back with 'Coffee with Karan' - season 3. Watching its ads reminded me .. again .. how fake and plastic this world is. No doubt popular, but this show is a damn good tutorial in 'fakeness'. Different B'wood stars crooning all over with plastic smiles and unbearable level of excitement .. too much.

As an example > I remember the episode when Gauri Khan & Suzanne Roshan were guests. KJo simply mentioned Jaya Bachchan and both ladies went off with statements like " oh, shes a beautiful lady " ; "oh shes marvelous" , "Shes such a humanitarian" blah blah. The fakeness was evident on their faces. Had she not been "Mrs Bachchan", I dont think both ladies would have been terribly excited. That one moment defined the whole show for me.

Anyhow, this aint about the show. Its about fake people. And their Diwali.



(Image source > HERE)

Basically these people sicken me. I remember visiting a dignitary's house (cant name as I dont want the whole political establishment running after my ass) on diwali, with dad when I was 10. The guy and family (wife, 2 kids) had bought loads of crackers which they gave to their "chamchas / servants". All guests were made to sit on comfortable chairs in the lawn. All this while, I had the classic WTF expression on my innocent face. I had no fuckin idea of the proceedings.

And thats when, it happened. The chamchas started lighting those crackers one by one and guests did nothing but to marvel and applaud after every 'burst'. The ending was greeted with a standing ovation. After the show was over, everyone exchanged gifts and proceeded for dinner.

Now, that day was a life changer for me. During the proceedings, my mood was constantly changing from 'WTF' to 'Are these people morons' to 'Get me outta here!' and finally to 'Nirvana! I am leaving this world! I have had enough' .

That day I realised that :
  1. Fakeness is in plenty
  2. It sucks and is downright stupid
  3. If you happen to be at the middle of it, you are badly screwed
  4. I may be only 10, but I am smarter than these jackasses who made a show out of their cracker bursting.
  5. Damn! I need a forum to vent my anger over this type of shit.
Ok. I may not have realised the last point but you get the gist.

The one thing fake people like ( or hate? ) on Diwali is the gifting. For these people, Diwali - the festival - means only one thing: Gifting and be gifted. They keep track over who has / hasnt yet given gifts to them. And they are forever making lists of people whom they have to gift.. out of sheer obligation ofcourse. And Be damned if the "gifted" ones dont gift them back. All hell breaks loose. The 'fakies' hurl all sorts of abuse on them while relaxing (after a grueling gift journey) in the cozy confines of their house.

Their first reaction to the gift isnot the spirit but the monetary value attached to it. Infact, their mathematical calculations can put even Einstein to shame. Heres a genius formula ( Copyright: The Fake People Group Corporation Limited , Regd office: India TV studios.)

Let the monetary value of the gift received at a 'fakie' household be : M1
Let the actual value of person giving that gift i.e. the 'usefulness' of that person to fakies : P1
Let the monetary value of gifts to be distributed by the fakies : M2

Let the Diwali spirit be : S

  • In case of fakies, S is always equal to Zero.
  • Also, M2 will be at max, equal to M1 and never exceed it (except once.. explained below). Its a rule. Even a law in some cities.
  • If however, P1 > M1 ; M2 can be > M1 as M1 becomes secondary to " ye saala banda kaam ka hai" feeling.
So.. thats the way it is. I just wish people .. like your neighbors , cousins etc etc become less fake but I know I am wishing just too much. Diwali should be for an awesome spirit and enjoying the atmosphere around. Those who think otherwise ... Eh! who the fuck cares about them?

Cheers..................................

And HAPPY DIWALI ALL :)

[ Leaving you with an awesome song that defines my mood right now:


And the lyrics..................



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