Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Tribute to the 'Aunties'

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." - Don Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando), The Godfather

Yes..my first post. And I am not expecting any comments yet. I know ofcourse that after a very short time, when this freakin blog will become highly famous, my 100000 + followers and worshippers will like to know where it all began. And then they will comment. Yay !

So, well.. I will start with the Aunties. Y? Well… because practically, they are spread all over our country! And almost exclusively, this bunch lives on the agenda of screwing up already screwed up youngsters. Not believing me? You will, if you show some patience and read through the end.

Anyhow, I am almost certain that they all work as part of some mafia. An aunty syndicate! They are all over and are multiplying every minute like rats. And the agenda / task / mission: TOTAL ANNIHILIATION ! Actually..thats only a kick-ass mission name. The actual god-damn thing is a 4 part process:

•Find a gullible youngster whos settled in a good job or/and is 23+
•Bombard his/her parents with annoying phrases such as “Arre! Shaadi kar do iski warna kisi din kisi ko bhi saamne laakar bolega ki yahi hai meri girlphrend !” Trouble is that people actually buy this reasoning!!
•Check out all the resources and come up with a suitable match for the hapless guy/girl
•If the ‘target’ and his / her family are sensible enough to avoid this deadly aunty trap, then malign them behind their backs with phrases such as “Arre! Vo ladki achi nahi hai ! Suna hai uske 4-4 boyphrend the ! Hai Re! Chi Chi! “ . and well..who doesn’t love a good silly gossip (P.S. I am a self-confessed India TV fan).

See.. this is what aunties do. They are annoying. Really. But have no fear for I have devised a strategy to counter these WMDs (Women of Mass Destruction). All you have to do is play along. Well, I have noticed that aunties have an ego the size of an elephant’s ass! HUUGE ! So, just play along..inflate it to whatever extent you can and enjoy the fun. Trust me, theres nothing more entertainin than an ‘inflated’ aunty. But mind you.. do this AFTER ascertaining the mental influence of these WMDs on your parents. If they blindly follow the aunties’ conviction of marriage, you will be screwed. And, big time.

Too simple a strategy? Well, what did you expect? Theory of Relativity?? Anyways, heres a checklist of parameters of identifying these aunties:

•Middle aged (but will always say shes is in early 30s);
•Always carrying a veggie basket or some shopping bag;
•Always ready with suitable matches: Boy, girl,Horse /20s,30s,40s / Divorcee, single / stable, retard / own community, other community, majority, minority, minority within majority.. etc etc etc. Man!!
•Always ready for/to gossip;
•Always your mother’s best friend !!
•For guys only: Almost always has a hot daughter who somehow is never in the ‘suitable match’ list for you !!

Anyways, that was about them. I will end this by shouting out loud: ONLY YOU ARE THE ONE PROTECTIN YOUR ASS. GET UP AND DO IT!!!

Cheers…………………………………………

11 comments:

chatterbox unplugged:no room for pseudo sympathy said...

nice take on the frustrated souls....... i think every indian family is cursed with at least one of these !!! sigh !

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, hilarious ..and SO true!!!
Nancy

Sharma said...

Ha Ha.. Its a big syndicate my friend... Not only aunties, these include everyone who's married.. your cousin's wife, your girl friends who never mentioned the word till they got married themselves. And dont even want to talk about uncles, they wouldn't even talk to you and come up with their friend's daughter as the best match u could have..

purple_butterfly said...

haha :)

Mayank said...

@Sharma , Purple_Butterfly

Thanks for visitin :)

nikita said...

heeheeee...

you are such a sweetheart...
its so true....loved the boyphrnd...it actually sounds like this and kisi ko bhi laake khad ke dega...heeheee...sigh...guys...

Mayank said...

@Nikita

Thanks for appreciatin :)

Alpha Za said...

haha, this is brilliant. I know the feeling oh so well.

Nice strategy. I also go for the whole, you are looking so thin, you must eat something.

pavani reddy said...

heheehe!!loved it

Rajendra Raikwar said...

Great efforts

Anonymous said...

and once they hook you up with somebody...they start nibbling at your brains....good news kab de rahe ho...aaarrghhh!