Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 - DESPITE ALL THE SHIT, I LOVED IT !

[DISCLAIMER: Emotional Post - Karan Johar-ish, u can say.]

2010 is gonna be history soon. And I must say, what a year! Every day started with a new scam, a new controversy and what not?

2010 was the year that proved India is a damn rich country after all. The magnitude of scams - Rs 1.70 lakh Cr, 70000 Cr etc etc just showed that we really are a rich country of poor people.

2010 also proved - again - that we like to kiss 'foreign' butts - more so if they happen to be of 'important' people like Obama. The only bright spot? We dont discriminate racially. We kiss Hillary's and Obama's butts with equal zeal.

But lets not get all depressed on new year. So what if 2010 was full of such shit? This also was the year that gave me a new perspective and attitude in life. And it all happened on April 6th - the birth of "What the Fuck is Goin On?" .

When I started out on April 6 , I couldnt have possibly imagined that by the end of December, I will have so many people actually reading, liking and commenting on my blog. A big thanks to all of you. You guys are the real motivation.

I always knew I could write but to create a proper channel to vent out my frustrations - the best thing I did this year. WTFIGO has not only given me an awesome new hobby, it has also made me realise that I possess atleast a tiny speck of humor. Thats why , as a new year resolution, I have decided to get involved bigtime in stand up comedy scene. Sometimes I will make people laugh and sometimes they will throw enough vegetables at me that I can sell and make a profit - either ways I will benefit. And this has been possible only because of WTF !

Every year, we win some ; we lose some. But we become wiser (except if you are a Big Boss contestant or Rakhi Sawant). I have too. From a hopeless nutcrack at the beginning of the year, I have become more sensible (i.e. hopeful nutcrack) now. The year gave me a sense of freedom. It helped me in growing up - sometimes by kicking me hard on ass (when certain special people decided to part & take a different course) and sometimes by giving good advices while sharing a beer with me (like creation of 'Mahajan-Man').

Many people will view 2010 as good riddance due to the bloody scams and all but I can safely say that - Despite all the shit, I loved it !

And Welcome 2011 ... newer shit, newer frustrations, newer 'Mahajan-Man' adventures. Stay tuned.

And a happy & awesome new year to all of you :) .

-- Cheers.

- DG.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

THE JHAKAAS AWARDS 2010 - CONCLUDING PART.


The Jhakaas awards - yes, the most coveted of them all - are here. In my previous post, winners of certain categories were announced. Heres presenting the rest of the categories.

(Disclaimer: We have no association with Nobel , Oscars or Filmfare awards federations. We are better than those shits. )

Without further ado, here are the winners:

(1) DEUTSCHE-BAG(S) OF THE YEAR

HRITHIK ROSHAN & ABHISHEK BACHCHAN

Raavan , Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se and Kites. Enough said. BTW, I am not surprised that Bachchan Sr. sells everything - from expensive suits to Navratan 'Thanda thanda cool cool' hair oil - on TV. If I have a son like that, I will also work so much for funds! And that begs a question - When will Roshan Sr start doing ads? Its about time dude!


(2) TREND OF THE YEAR

LIVE STAND UP COMEDY ACTS

Frankly speaking - this has been the best trend in years. We Indians always take our lives so seriously that we forget to enjoy it. Atleast now, with the rise in live stand up comedy routines and acts (in which one can even participate on the spot), we can learn to enjoy a tad more. Although most of the jokes still revolve around stereotypes but the scene is improving fast - especially in Delhi.

(3) "I WILL RULE FOREVER.. EVEN IF 100 YRS OLD" AWARD

Sachin Tendulkar

The God himself! At 37 years, he just had one of his most successful years in cricket. Take a look:
  1. Became the first one to score 200 in a one-dayer
  2. Won ICC cricketer of the year award
  3. Completed 50 test 100s
Phew.. and a lot more. I am 100% sure I am gonna see this dude lifting the World Cup at Wankhede Stadium on 2nd April 2011.


(4) "I AM STUPID BUT POPULAR" AWARD

Rakhi Sawant.

She has got nothing but cleavage to show but still managed to grab eyeballs (and balls in some cases) because of her "Insaaf". So much so , that a guy committed suicide after being "justice-d" by her! Awesome.

(5) "WE WILL KEEP FUCKIN' YA COZ YOU GOT NO BALLS" AWARD

Terrorists , Naxals , Scamsters and most of the other criminals

India isnt Israel. India is well.. India. Soft on terror & crime - so soft that even the word "soft" feels ashamed. This is the place where people of some community hold up an entire railway route (Delhi-Mumbai no less) for days over a stupid issue and Govt. does nothing about that - no tough measure or anything. Also, where a terrorist like Kasab "enjoys" the jailstay at taxpayer's expense for days.

Need I say more?

(6) "I AM ON A FOREVER SELF-DESTRUCT MODE" AWARD

Pakistan

The morons have only 1 agenda - Bleed India. And in the process, they get ruined themselves. I am not sure how future will look but I can sense that however the world's map looks like in the coming years, Pakistan only has a 0.002% chance of being there.


AND FINALLY....

(7) "PERSON OF THE YEAR" AWARD

Forget Mark Zuckerberg (TIME's person of the year). He just created Facebook. Nothing special.

The man who matters is the - DISGRUNTLED GENIUS' PERSON OF THE YEAR.

And hes none other than -



RAJINIKANTH

Some facts first:
  1. 'Robot' - made at Rs 150 Cr + earned a cool Rs 300 Cr + only coz of this guy's star power
  2. The beginning credits in each of his movies dont say "Starring - Rajinikanth". They say " starring - SUPERSTAR Rajinikanth". How awesome is that ?
  3. The guy is the biggest superstar of India , yet he is so humble and non-pretentious - unlike some of the Bollywood star farts who have half the star power but behave like Gods!
A detailed version of why Rajini rocks - Here.

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This draws curtains on the Most coveted JHAKAAS AWARDS for 2010. We'll be back next year - probably with more categories. Already in thought pipeline - "KICK MY ASS FOR AM SO IRRITATING" award. Well, you can argue that Veena Malik is a sureshot winner for this year under this category but well.. we'll introduce it in 2011 - irritating people will never cease to exist, you see.

--

Anyhow folks.. have a happy new year. 2010 is gonna be toast soon so junk it and also, all the negativity and shittiness of this year. Look forward to 2011 - yes, newer negativity and shit - but also new hope and new dreams. God bless ya.

Cheers..................................................................

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

JHAKAAS AWARDS OF 2010 !



2010 is drawing to a close and the most coveted DISGRUNTLED GENIUS' JHAKAAS AWARDS are here.

Without further ado, here are the winners:

(1) ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

A. RAJA

For not only being involved in the biggest scam ever but also being smug about it.


(2) MOST DISTRESSING SCAM OF THE YEAR


Well, 2010 was the year of the scams. Every fucking day came with new scams. It was difficult to give top honors to anyone but then Adarsh scam scored in one area where others didnt - the definition of victims. While CWG , 2G , Radia etc scams affected everyone and particularly nation's economy in general, Adarsh was perpetrated against widows of our brave martyred soldiers. Top armymen, politicians etc grabbed plots meant for war widows. Really.. you cant go lower than this.

(3) THE MOST OVERHYPED DUDE

Barrack Obama.

He has fucked up on every front at home. And he came to India with a beggars bowl. Despite that, we behaved just like a teenage girl who has got a sudden chance to have sex with her long time crush! Get a grip people! BTW, I pity those assholes who awarded him the Nobel for Peace 2 years ago. What a bunch of cracks!

(4) THE MOST USELESS SHIT

Munni v/s Shiela debate.

Get this straight : I DONT GIVE A DAMN FOR WHOS BETTER OF THE TWO! I mean, every fucking news channel is hell bent on solving this debate. Who the hell cares? People are dying of hunger in a country which records wheat surplus and we are debating who among the two is a better "item" ? Get a life people !

(5) THE MOST RIDICULOUS CONTROVERSY


Look, I sincerely believe it was a planned move by SRK to generate hype around the movie - which was shit anyways. People went ballistic on Shiv Sena and supported SRK like hes God fighting against Satan. I really pity those who lit candles and watched the movie - ONLY to "support SRK" in his "fight". They will sit at home and masturbate instead of voting in general elections but for this - fully ready for combat. Way to go!

(6) THE ONLY BRIGHT SPOT OF THE YEAR

Bihar.

The people of Bihar rejected caste shit and voted for development. The only politically bright spot of the year for India.

(7) CRAP MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Well, My Name is Khan lost very narrowly to - KITES !

The biggest craphole of the year. Yes, Barbara Mori was superhot but hey! I aint gonna spend 150 bucks on 'Silicon' alone. There has to be some substance!

(8) SCARE OF THE YEAR





ENOUGH SAID!


(9) TERRORIST OF THE YEAR

Phew! Really tough award. So many stalwarts like Arundhati Roy in the fray. But the winner is..


The Congress Gen. Secretary is our honorary terrorist of the year. Why? For -

1) Attending a book launch function of "26/11 - RSS ki saazish". While the whole world knows who planned 26/11 Mumbai attacks; a senior Cong. leader attends this function. Bravo!

2) Suggesting that 26/11 was a hindu conspiracy and that Mumbai ATS chief Hemant Karkare (who laid down his life fighting terrorists that night) was "murdered" by RSS people.

3 ) Visiting houses of slain terrorists (killed during Delhi's Batala House encounter) in Azamgarh and pleading support to their families.

4) Naxal sympathizer.

This man is a genius! In one stroke, he has suggested that Ajmal Kasab is a RSS man. Awesome! We are enlightened!

(10) FUCKED-UP-COZ-OF-CHOICES AWARD

Goes to the people of West Bengal.

While people of Bihar had a good option in Nitish Kumar against Lalu ; people of Bengal are truly fucked up. They have Mamta Bannerjee against CPM in next year's assembly elections ! Which is like 'Kahani ghar ghar ki' against 'Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi'. Both useless and without substance. Best of luck Bengal !

(11) CITY OF THE YEAR

New Delhi .

Truly a city of character. During peak construction frenzy of Commonwealth games, Delhi resembled a war zone. But it came out triumphs. Just like it has done over the years and centuries. No wonder, it is one of the oldest surviving city in the world.

While most Delhiites (just like most Indians) are morons, the city is the one with lots of character. Hats off to this city for winning every battle - be it against CWG people or politicians or even many of its own citizens - who are such idiots that they dont care about the hygiene and respect of a place they call their home!

(12) NON-CITY OF THE YEAR

Mumbai.

Marathi Manoos chasing hapless UP,Bihar people in the name of "local sentiments". Need I say more about the city? Mumbai-ites claim that its the most happening city in India. Ya right! It sure is happening - on the asses of outsiders.

Also, if something has bugged me over the years, its the "Mumbai spirit". Whenever there have been unfortunate bomb blasts or terrorist attacks in Mumbai, people go all ballistic claiming that it will bounce back the next day as it has a "unique spirit". Well, its not unique to Mumbai alone. Every city - after an attack - be it Delhi or Ahmedabad or Jaipur has "resumed" normal life the very next day as ordinary citizens have no choice but to get on with their lives. But we are constantly forced through the overhyped "Mumbai spirit".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The year-end JHAKAAS awards arent over yet! There are many more categories - thats for later part. Right now, lets congratulate all the winners; esp people like Raja and Dolly Bindra - the 'once-a-century' geniuses !

God bless all !

Cheers............................................. and Merry Christmas !

-

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

EIGHT WAYS TO LIVE AN AWESOME LIFE

Take this as a survival guide. The world is illogical and stupid but good news is that its not difficult at all to survive here. How? Read on:

AN 8 WAY GUIDE TO LIVE AN AWESOME LIFE


1 ) A BASIC FACT: EVERYONE IS FUCKED UP!

Lets face it! Everyone's life is messed up some way or the other. Some have love problems, some have career troubles and some - well they are born depressed. The point is not to behave like only you have problems while others are going crazy with happiness. Stop whining and face them. After all, time is utilised in solving the problems rather than in thinking about them.

2 ) KNOW WHEN TO QUIT

I have a suggestion: Lets find the guy who said "Quitters are losers" and kick the shit out of him! We are all humans - stupid , disgusting humans. Neither we are superheroes nor we should intend to become one simply because we cant. We people cannot achieve everything or solve every damn problem. Rather than going ballistic on one failed front, why not simply quit and do something you are good at? If something is not working out, quit and change the direction. That wont make you a loser. Instead that will help in making better that one thing which ,we say, always sucks - LIFE !.

3 ) JUNK STUPID NEGATIVE EGO

Do you know what Ego is? Not that what they show in shit like Roadies. Thats stupidity. Unfortunately, world has mistaken that very thing as ego and hence it has come to be known as a negative thing. The truth is that like everything else, ego has two sides. The Roadies type " I am better than everyone else ! FTW ! " shit is the negative ego. Positive one gives you an awesome self-esteem and a logical mind. You DONOT care about others. You simply believe that you rock! You dont give a shit if others rock or not - what matters is Self. Hence, junk the stupid negative ego and start living dudes !

4 ) LOVE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY

I wont ever understand why people always look to "gel in with the crowd". Most of the crowd consists of opportunistic and fake humans (OAFH). But still, people want to blend in at any cost. WTF? Trust me, if you dont love yourself - your individuality - you will never ever be happy. Be content in self. Even if it means a small (but good) friend circle. Even if it means lots of OAFH against you / not liking you. It doesnt matter. In the end, you will atleast be truly happy from inside because you arent degrading yourself.

We all are special and different. Had God wanted us to be similar, we would have been zombies. But we aint. We have brains. Use those and be an 'individual' - ofcourse not for the sake of it, but because you are !

5 ) SHIT! I AM GOIN TO DIE TOMORROW !

Have this mentality - ofcourse without panicking like a moron. Death is an eventuality. You cant stop it even if you put your ass on stake. So, why behave as if we are gonna be here forever? Live like you are goin' to deathly hallows tomorrow. See dreams and achieve them. Always be restless and keep looking to fulfill your desires. If you love travel, spend a good part of salary on that. If you love adventure, go rafting. If you love marriage .. err... get a new perspective - NOW!

Life aint an unlimited cheque book. It has limited cheques. Cash them and live !

6 ) LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE DAMNIT !

One thing that always riles me is the way people compare their lives with others. I ask - why the hell care? Why should you compare? As I said earlier, everyone is messed up. Your life will be good in one relative aspect while it'll suck in another. So, why indulge in this? It doesnt matter if someone has more money than you. What matters is what they do with that money.

Frankly, my salary is WAAAY much lesser than a Tata or an Ambani. But hey I love travelling and I am easily able to spend my money on that w/o worries. So, why the fuck should I be depressed thinking that I aint 'ambani-rich' yet? Fuck it!

7 ) BE CYNICAL AND SOMETIMES, NEGATIVE !


All those "Sri Sri Sri ... Gurus" who tell you to always be positive are missing a vital point : Life doesnt work that way! Too much positivity leads to frustration. Be a bit cynical and negative. In that way, better planning is done as one calculates and prepares for things that can go wrong.

I sincerely believe that Positivity isnot a thing which should be forced down the throat like those Gurus yelling "Be Positive!". Its something when we are sure that we are prepared for almost all the eventualities.. even unforeseen ones.

8 ) STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR BEING SELFISH !

Frankly, if you are here to make others' lives better, what the fuck are others here for? The simple rule is: Live for yourself - logically & objectively. The world always tells you to sacrifice yourself for others which frankly is the worst scam ever.

As Ayn Rand put it :

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

Selfishness aint bad if it doesnt result in others' getting negatively affected. The main reason why most lives are fucked up is that people always put others over them - even if illogical. Tell me - if you want to pursue higher studies but your parents insist on marriage, should you do it just out of respect? No. And thats a very small example.

If some logical situation involves close friends or family, its fine to think about them first but dont think of this as a duty - as the world says. You are here to make your life less shitty - indulge in that. Happiness will follow.

--------

Frankly, this aint a guide. This is what I believe in. I wont say I have a perfect life. Infact, it sucks badly on 1-2 fronts. But, atleast am happy - in my own insane way. Those fronts will take care of themselves. As I say - Lifes a bitch.. but I love her!


CHEERS .................................. HIC!
Long live Vijay Mallya !

Monday, December 13, 2010

LIFES A BITCH BUT I LOVE HER ...

Life is weird. Most of the times, it is fucked up. But thats when you realise that its only because it wants you to grow up and be mature. It motivates us (ofcourse, by being a bitch herself) to face every adversity like Sachin faces juvenile bowlers. It is to this 'quality' of life, that the following words are dedicated... Cheers !

---

I think of all those moments...

...when I needed someone to talk to,

...when I was down,

...when I wasnt fine,

...when I didnt see things in green;

And she didnt return my calls...

..didnt talk to me,

...Brutally , she snubbed me !

But I still love her !!


I think of all those moments...

...when I said I need you,

...when I said I want you to be there for me,

...when I called her name in the midst of crisis,

But all she could do...

...was to fight with me,

...was to tell me she cant be there,

...was to tell she cant do it !

...But I still love her !!


I think of all those moments...

...when I was bleeding from inside,

...when I was blue outside and

...all red inside,

But all she could do...

...was to look away,

...was to be rude,

...was to think that my red is everything

...but the red of blood !

...But I still love her !!


I think of all those moments...

...when I was happy and made awesome plans,

...when I set up a date with her,

But all she could do...

...was to not show up at all,

...was to tell me about canceling the date,

...But I still love her !!


But ..

All she is...Whatever she is...

...She is the best for me,

...for only she will

...remain with me till I stop living !


FOR she is my life...


A total jerk sometimes,

In need of an ass-slap many times,

But ultimately.. mine.


Lifes a bitch .. But I love her !


- love ,

D.G.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

WHAT GOVERNMENT REALLY THINKS ABOUT CITIZENS ?

We the people - the stupid common citizens of this country. How naive we are that we think our Government cares about us. Varanasi blast and numerous other terrorist attacks have proved otherwise. Reality, ofcourse isnt what we believe - as evident from these sets of conversations between -

PM (Prime Minister) , Prince ( No.. not the kid who got rich by falling into a hole but - 'him' ) , CM (UP Chief Minister) and ofcourse - the stupid common man or, SCM .


CONVO. NO 1 : 'SCM' MEETS PM

SCM : Help me please! One more terrorist attack. Save my life and kill those bloody jehadis.

PM: Help you?? Arre bhai, first let me save my ass, no? 2G scam has been hounding my honest ass nowadays. I am going to plead..err.. meet 'Madam' and discuss the future.

SCM: Future? Of nation?

PM: No, you idiot.. MY future. FTW !

SCM: Wait! But arent you just a prop to keep the seat warm till Prince boy takes over?

PM: Err.. Watever ! Dont pass judgment on me. I am here because am very capable, you see?

SCM: Right! You cant even talk to save your ass. Scams take place under your watchful eyes and you dont / cant do anything about them. What a Hercules-isque PM really !

PM: See, you are hurt. Dont worry. We will ...

SCM (interrupting him): YA YA I know ! We will bring guilty to book. We share your pain. Maintain peace. BLAH BLAH Right?

PM: Wow!! How did you know what I was gonna say dude? You are a genius!

SCM: Junk it! I am used to your dialogues now. Thanks to your awesome hardline techniques, I witness a lot of attacks in a year and you say the same things after every one of them.

PM: Wateva bro! I am off to 10, Janpath. You have some problems.. go talk to Rahul Baba. He solves all my problems - vadda sohna munda hai. Go now, dont bug me!

CONVO. NO 2 : 'SCM' MEETS PRINCE

SCM: Sir, please solve my problems. Me, my family, my cities are in danger. Please!

Prince: Umm.. are you a Dalit?

SCM: WTF? Whats that got to do with it?

Prince: No, you see , I love to discuss and solve problems but only over dinner. And I can have dinner at your house.. only if you are a dalit.

SCM: What the hell? The problem is infront of you man!! You have to kill those terrorists and save my ass - the idiot who voted for you!

Prince: Umm.. well, you see , its all fault of the UP CM. She has turned the state into a mess. She doesnt care about the people. She..

SCM (interrupting): Huh ! This aint your campaign speech forum. I am begging you for help !

Prince: Hmm.. I think I will go and discuss this with Ma. Only she can help us all.

SCM: You dont have an opinion on anything, do you?

Prince: He he. Not really.

SCM: And you are our "PM-in-waiting" ?

Prince: Hehe. Yes.

SCM: Shoot me! FML !!

Prince: Umm.. hey, aint I young, charming and all that shit! Youth..esp girls love me, dont they?

SCM: That showed in Bihar alright!

Prince: Wateva! Am going. You please talk to UP CM. I think she can help you better.

CONVO. NO 3 : 'SCM' MEETS UP CM

SCM: Mam! Please help me! Save me from terrorists! How can they dare attack Varanasi - one of the holiest cities in this world?

CM: Abe. You a dalit?

SCM: WTF!! Does that matter?

CM: Haan! I hate Upper caste 'Manu-wadis'.

SCM: Wait. Those who get killed arenot Dalit, Brahmin, Hindu , Muslims. They are just .. dead.

CM: I dont give a shit. You see, I am busy in important things like upholding the honor of Dalit community.

SCM: What? How?

CM: Cant you see my statues? When Dalits see those, they feel proud and happy. And that makes me feel happy.

SCM: Let me see. You keep demanding funds from Central Govt saying state's coffers are empty but you built gigantic statues worth crores. People - dalits, brahmins etc - die of malnutrition and you think statues make them happy?

CM: Thats the beauty of it!

SCM: But dont you think if you actively pursue terrorists and nail them and their henchmen, people will be slightly more happy?

CM: Well, I can do that. Everyone can. But we love our citizens. And we cant displease a "certain community" just because some people went awry.

SCM: BUT! Terrorists have no religion ! Just kill them already! And if you dont kill them because you think it will displease people of a "certain community", dont you think you are indirectly saying they all are the same while the truth is they also hate these rotten apples among them.

CM: Huh? You speak too much. Fine! I promise an inquiry commission. Happy?

SCM: Yes. Terribly .. happy. I will go now mam. And I also promise - from tomorrow onwards, I will shower extra love over my family before I venture out.

CM: Why so?

SCM: Who knows? I might not come back .. all thanks to you guys, no?

----

SCM went home .. and slept. While those who are entrusted to make his life better - couldnt. Not because they were worried about him - but because everyone was involved in some scam or the other and they were worried how to save self-asses.

Long live democracy ... nay , democrazy !

Cheers.........

Sunday, December 5, 2010

YET ANOTHER POINTLESS & INSANELY STUPID FACEBOOK CAMPAIGN !


"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."



Every morning when I get up, I think that may be.. just may be today is the day when no new stupidity will be encountered by me on Facebook (FB). But people are always hell-bent in proving me wrong! Why cant you see me in peace morons??

Ofcourse, I am talking about the latest "Change your display pic to some cartoon character" campaign going around now. Well, only I know of the trauma that an earlier Facebook Bra Color Campaign caused to my senses. Girls/Women (even some men) all over were going ballistic on FB writing the colors of their bras/ undergarments as their status messages. Why? To raise awareness against breast cancer. That was a massive act of mindfuck-ery. People actually thought that this is the way to go. I mean how gullible and stupid can you be? Seriously, a woman writing stuff like "Black! hehe" or a man writing "Brown today.. ".. cant be beaten in stupidity ! Only God knows with how much difficulty I finally overcame the shock! And now a brand new idiotic campaign! What the fuck ??

Basically, the cartoon character campaign is to raise awareness against child abuse. Infact , to quote the status message of a dude in my FB friend list (BTW, I have 'fired' this person from my friend list now) -

" Speak up for the little ones who can't be heard......... Change your facebook picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To not see a human face on facebook until Monday the 6th of Dec. Join the fight against CHILD ABUSE, and invite your friends to do the same! "

Seriously, WTF? Stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Let me be very clear: Just as some moron creating FB pages such as "I hate Khap Panchayats" and 6000-7000 people "following" it wont instill fear in those old medieval jerks; changing your status pic to any cartoon character, vegetable, fruit, tree, condom brand etc wont raise awareness for any issue.

This actually is the heights of the infamous "FB / Twitter activism"; which can be explained through these few steps:

A GUIDE TO FB / TWITTER ACTIVISM

  1. Get inspired from movies such as Rang De Basanti
  2. Recognize that you actually are someone who cant move even to save his/her ass
  3. Get worried by the above fact as it will stand in way of the "inspiration" you got from RDB etc
  4. Think how can you make world a better place without even moving your toenail
  5. Come up with ideas like the above campaign or numerous FB pages
  6. Feel content and happy that you did your bit
  7. Feel proud that you have "contributed" towards making this world / our country a better place.
BRAVO !

India has the highest rate of child abuse in the world. And to top it all, often the victim is castigated by our hypocritic society. In this scenario, this is what every abused child needs - a FB campaign which will help them by raising awareness if people will change their pics to Tom, Jerry, Scooby Doo, Flintstones etc. Frankly, such campaigns arenot only stupid but also sadistic and hurtful. Sadistic, because they give a false sense of achievement to countless FB-zens and hurtful, because people dont ACTUALLY do something. They just think they 'helped'. And that further condemns the issue to darkness.

If you really wanna help, move your sorry asses and visit NGOs that deal with this issue and get real and gritty awareness. There are several of them (having online presence also) alongside the more famous ones like CRY and UNICEF. Browse through their sites and contribute there rather than wasting time in shitty FB campaigns. Ofcourse, theres no problem if you dont want to contribute etc but atleast be clear about it. Dont treat yourself to a false sense of pride by coming up / taking part in such fiascos. Spare a thought for those children who really are on the worst receiving end of life.

----------------------

This time.. No cheers.


Friday, December 3, 2010

TERMS / PHRASES THAT NEED TO BANNED - Part 3



After reading my last post - 'My Obituary' - some people started rejoicing thinking that I will now grace the heavens instead of making their already fucked up lives more hellish by writing about them on my blog. Now, call me an asshole but I just couldnt see these poor souls so happy. So, I promptly called them up .. our conversation went something like this:


To which my reply was :


And then.. the priceless reactions of sad people:

(The 'Mahajan-Man' Chronicles here)


So, well that was my "comeback" story. But this post aint about that. Its about continuing the "destructive analysis" of the most commonly used phrases/words/expressions which irritate the hell out of me!

(1) Be nice to those whom you meet going up coz you meet the same people while coming down

First of all, who the hell thought of this? Whoever he/she was, should be tried in court for Murder! Of intelligence that is. In today's world, most people have become like idiot rodents living in a dark hellhole. Whoever wants to get out of that is promptly pulled down by others. So, why the hell will I want to be nice to those?

And what assumptions is this statement making anyway? Is it saying that those who go up, necessarily come down? Hey, if I have worked hard and have risen to the top, why the hell will I want to come down and meet the same rodents, who will actually be happy that I have fallen? Frankly, if I am at top, I will bloody work harder to be there. And I will simply collect all the cash and quit to live a cool retired life if I see the slightest possibility of going down. Thats what many super intelligent businessmen did during economic recession of 2008-09.

Let me be very clear. Most of the world today hates those who speak clearly and are intelligent. On the other hand, those who are bloody manipulative and say only sweet fake things are revered. People generally fear going against the tide, even if they are right; because they have become so much needy and dependent on the approval of the world for their self-esteem. Those who trust their own brains - are the ones that rise. And they are generally disliked for that. They are never nice to the majority neither do they need to be. And they NEVER go down (Eg. Steve Jobs). Those who do, are undeserving to be on top in the first place .. like guys at Enron or Kalmadi or A. Raja.

(2) Think outside the box

Ok, I have written about it before also. But nowadays people are using it so much around me - at office, emails etc.. I just had to "re-visit". This phrase is the reason why 75% of the world has gone bonkers. People think that their routine life is shit and it can only be made happening if they think "outside the box". The only problem is: THEY DONT KNOW WHAT THAT BOX IS ! Is it the office? Or spouse? Or what? Wait.. I know. Its your own brain , stupid. The box is nothing but the brain and if you think outside it, you will be nothing but a fucking moron. You can only make your life better if you think positively while remaining INSIDE the "box" (read: brain). The day you start having full faith in yourself and start using your mind rather than wasting time thinking "Shit! I have to get outside the box man!" ; you'll see a positive change. To prove my point > (source: Here)


(3) Using "Mah" / "Ma" for "My"

I dont understand why the heck people use "mah" or "ma" for "my" nowadays? You dont become "cool" just by imitating American junk lingo. Trust me, whenever I see sentences like "Mah exam went so cool bros!" or "Mah ass is on fire!" ; I just wanna call up Shiv Sena people and ask them to intervene. Frankly people, get some intelligence! You arenot Americans. And "Mah" doesnt make you sound cool! Period.

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Thats that for part -3. These three have been bugging me since days. Anyways, well I am collecting the "ammo" for part - 4 (gonna be a lot bigger & better). Hence, suggestions welcome.

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Cheers people....


Sunday, November 28, 2010

MY OBITUARY


[ Futuristic post]

After my self-criticism, heres the next level : My obituary. The inspiration for the idea was a scene from the movie 'Serendipity'. And trust me, writing it aint that hard at all.

So, here goes:

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As I would like it to appear in newspaper columns.....

Disgruntled Genius (DG) died yesterday of natural causes after the stupidity and fakeness prevalent in the world (growing by the minute) took its toll on him.

DG, as we know, had a pretty awesome blog - WTF is going on? - which was his crusade against all the irritations in the world. He had hoped that the blog's theme of political incorrectness regarding stupidity around and ranting against it will help in keeping his mind from going bonkers. But, it proved otherwise. The fatal blow finally came yesterday when Rakhi Sawant won the nobel for her efforts towards bringing peace to the world through her show 'Rakhi ka Insaaf'. DG, as always, decided to "analyze" this through an awesome blogpost - 'How Mahajan-Man saves Nobel'. But before he could even start, his mind and heart stopped working, almost at the same time. In this way, we can say that he martyred himself in the line of duty.


Talking about his mind and heart, this was the only time when they were in sync otherwise they were always at a conflict. While DG was a true romantic at heart, his mind was all practical and steady. Or rather, emotionless. As he himself once famously said, " The world is always so adamant on forcing shit up your ass, you cant help but becoming indifferent!". He was an optimistic person although in his last few days, he had become quite cynical which wasnt without reasons as he believed the world is truly going to the dogs.

DG was a good friend.He loved traveling and considered his backpack a sacred thing. He disliked religions and all those preachy TV Gurus. He never quite understood why people need some guru to tell them how to live? He had limited wishes which included noble causes like SRK announcing his retirement, Sachin lifting the World Cup trophy and ofcourse, a ban on idiocy , that is MTV.

DG wasnot a perfect person neither he desired to become one. He loved his life and always lived it with full-on attitude despite it being a bitch. He believed in love despite its tendency of hurting always and he loved himself - despite him being one big confused screw-up.

DG maynot be missed at all but his legacy will never die - the legacy which gave a new superhero to the world and brought respect to the term 'lazy ass'.

Love you DG. You truly lived by what you said - "Wont die before death. FTW!".


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Thursday, November 25, 2010

TYPICAL 90s BOLLYWOOD LOVE ISHTORY ..


The 90s was the decade of cheesy Bollywood romances - DDLJ, Kuch kuch hota hai, Mohabbatein etc . The common elements in them : SRK and mushy dialogues - sometimes so cheesy that you had to sit with bread in your hand to grab the extra cheese !

I always wanted to combine all these into an ultimate herculean mega romantic fest. And got a chance, when the other day me and my good friend were discussing such a 90s story - for her. So, Ms R .. heres to you: (tried to keep cheesi-ness at minimum.. but well.....)

ACT-1

In the capital of the land of Oscar winning Bhojpuri cinema i.e. Uttar Pradesh, there lived a simple and sweet girl named Anjali. She had a smile to kill for. She was a normal girl-next-door with normal dreams such as having unabated lifetime supply of chocolates. She had read every Mills and Boons novel and had normal 'fantasies'. The most priceless but normal dreams were reserved for her prince charming. She truly believed in the normal age old funda - 'Someone somewhere is definitely made for you' .

After finishing her grads, Anjali took admission into JNU. Yes, the other mini-Kolkata of Delhi apart from C.R. Park. The place which is the hub of "I wont shave until Naxaliites and Kashmiris get freedom" leftist intellectual dudes and smokin hot leftist intellectual chicks. Such was the new world of Anjali. She wasnt at all interested in politics for her eyes were always searching for her prince (not the kid who fell into a pit & became famous). Everytime she thought about 'him', a creepy yet soulful Yash chopra movie type background music with Lata Mangeshkar's voice mixed in that began to rang in her ears. She was becoming restless day by day waiting for her prince and thats when she became an addict - of facebook and especially Mafia Wars & Farmville. While she owned huge green farms in Farmville, her offline life was not all green.

During her studies, she got a chance to go to Meghalaya for her Phd synopsis. Just when she was about to board the plane at Delhi's IGIA, she felt something in her heart and she was sure its not a gastronomical thing but a real feeling. Why? Creepy background music with Lata's voice in that began to play out in her ears. But forgetting all that, she boarded the plane and landed at Shillong 3 hours later.

ACT-2

Anjali saw him there - at Shillong University- where she had gone for synopsis related work. He was wearing white clothes and was playing violin while saying "Insaan mar jaate hain par Mohabbatein kabhi nahi marti (People may die but not the romances)". He suddenly looked up and found her looking at him. Their eyes met and both knew- it was love at first sight. Anjali sort of blushed as she saw him coming towards her. He shook her hand and said " Hi. I am Raj Aryan. Naam toh suna hoga?". He also said, "I have a world famous blog 'What the hell is going on?'. Naam toh suna hoga?" She wanted to say 'Ghanta world famous!' but couldnt. There was something in his eyes - besides a tiny speck of hair - magic. But she had to go as she had work. She introduced herself and left while he stood there staring. He didnt even notice when a bird relieved itself on his white shirt.


Next few days were magical for Anjali. She used to meet Raj everyday at university but still they didnt say those three magical words (No! Not "whats your mail-id?") - 'I love you' - to each other. They both were lacking the courage. But both knew it nevertheless. Both had even dreamt of a romantic duet in Panjab's 'Sarso ke khet'. But couldnt tell each other.

And finally the day arrived when she was going back. He stood there outside the airport's departure gates watching her leave. Suddenly he said to himself "Anjali! Turn back." . And she did. Turned back, smiled and waved goodbye. And he knew she definitely loved him. But they still didnt say that to each other.

ACT -3

Back in Delhi, she returned to her normal JNU life but couldnt forget Raj. Life was all OK until one day her family told her that they have created her profile on shaadi.com and expect her to marry soon. She was dejected but couldnt muster the courage to tell her folks about Raj for she herself wasnt sure whether Raj loved her.

And then it happened one night. Raj called and finally said 'I love you'. He had to drink 3 beers and 1 quarter vodka to do it but he did. Tears came running down Anjali's cheeks. She was in seventh heaven. She decided at once that she'll tell her parents about Raj.

ACT -4

"NO! Not Raj Aryan!" , Anjali's father screamed while throwing Raj's picture away. Anjali was shocked at this. Her father continued, "Do you know who he is?". Before Anjali could say anything, he said, "He is the son of my bitterest enemy!". He, then, told her an old family secret. A secret which had blood and emotions written all over it. He told her how Raj's grandfather had defeated his father - Anjali's grandfather - in a reality show named 'Uttar Pradesh Idol". Since then, the enmity has been running through generations and he'll never allow her to marry Raj Aryan. She cried and pleaded but her father tore apart Raj's pic, broke her phone and thundered that he'll fix Anjali's marriage with the first guy who contacts him after seeing her shaadi.com profile.

ACT-5

Anjali was getting married soon - at her hometown - Lucknow. Her father had fixed her up with a doctor from Bhopal. Upon hearing this, her friends in JNU arranged a candle-light protest march at the campus in order to protest against this act. That didnt help but got Barkha Dutt to interview them anyway; so they were happy. When Raj got to know this (upon watching NDTV where Dutt was interviewing the protesters), he decided at once that he should get his love back. He booked his tickets and flew to Delhi at once. From there, he reached Lucknow- the same day Anjali was to get married- and didnt waste anytime. He then took out his iPhone, accessed his FB account and went to Anjali's now dormant profile. There he saw her address and at once declared " Main aa raha hoon Anjali! Main aa raha hoon!".

ACT -6

Anjali was sitting sadly by her window when she suddenly saw a rickshaw stopping just near her house gates and Raj stepping down from it. She couldnt believe her eyes. Tears again started rolling down her cheeks. Her mother who had come into the room a while ago noticed all this and thought about her youthful days. She decided that her daughter wont marry against her wishes. She was also crying but she had a mission now. She went down, paid the rickshaw fare and secretly brought Raj to Anjali's room.

And so, here they were. Anjali, her mom & Raj - all crying. Suddenly Anjali's mom spoke to Raj (while crying) : "Raj, meri beti ko bhaga le ja. No-one will understand your love here. Run away from these weasels". To which Raj replied (while crying): Nahi maa. I thought about this earlier but ab nahin. I will talk to her dad and sort everything like a real man. Anjali then spoke up (while crying): "But if you go overboard in behaving like a man, my dad will simply contact his khap pals and well.. you know what they will do". Raj (little worried and still crying): "Trust me Anjali. Let me talk to babuji".

ACT-7

And so Raj bravely took his steps towards realising his true love. He went to Anjali's dad and told him how much he loved her. He said, "Babuji, hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, pyar bhi ek baar hota hai aur shaadi bhi (agar divorce na ho). Main apki beti ko bahut khush rakhoonga - har tarah se".

But Babuji was not in the mood to listen. He was getting angrier by the minute. After Raj finished speaking, babuji slowly came towards him. The silence and the tension was killing everyone. And then, babuji did it. He broke the silence by tightly slapping Raj and ordering his goons (hired for one day from ICICI bank's recovery branch) to beat Raj till he forgets Anjali.

The goons didnt think twice. They went all blue and black on Raj. Anjali couldnt do anything but pleading helplessly to her father to stop them. She even said she will marry that Bhopal doctor if he spares Raj. Her father relented upon hearing that and ordered the ICICI goons to stop and told Raj to go & never come back.

Raj stood up all bleeding. Blood was oozing out from every corner of his body. His white clothes and his violin were all soaked in blood. He looked at Anjali one more time and thought , "Saala! Jab mummyji keh rahi thi tabhi bhaga le jaata. Ghanta herogiri". Thinking this, he faded away from the scene while Anjali stood there crying. Her mother was also crying. And her little sister too. Their cute white pug was also sad. Basically, everyone was majorly sad except the angry dad.

ACT -8

It was around 8 PM and baaraat was standing right at Anjali's door. Anjali , all decked up for marriage, was understandably sad. Before going, Raj had told her he will be catching a train for Delhi and leaving her life forever at 10 PM. She was sad but couldnt cry as she didnt want to ruin the makeup. Ultimately, after all the shaadi rituals, the time for "saat phere" arrived. The doctor from Bhopal, whose name was Rahul, was upbeat (not for the marriage but the first night ahead) but a little suspicious too as Anjali was looking very sad. While the priest was chanting away shlokas, Rahul's eyes were fixed on Anjali. He finally asked her whats the matter. Hearing this, Anjali started crying and told him everything. Rahul smiled and told her, "Jo pyaar main tumhari aankhon mein apne liye dekhna chahta tha, wo maine Raj ke liye dekh liya hai. Lets go to the station at once". Everyone said WTF! Anjali said "Yeah baby!". Her dad shouted"Rahul Kamine ! You dare not". But who can stop two people in love from meeting?

ACT -9

Rahul & Anjali reached the platform just in time - 9.55 PM. When she couldnt find Raj in crowd, she just shouted his name (while crying). Suddenly, she saw Raj's blood soaked head popping out from a sleeper coach for Delhi bound train. She was so happy and crying. Rahul had the "Fuck My Life" expression on his face but was still happy and crying. Raj always cried no matter what. But before Anjali could run towards her lover, a hand - that of her dad - grabbed her arm from behind and stopped her. She kept on pleading with her dad to let go while he just stood there staring at Raj. The tension was increasing. The signal turned to green and the train began to move out of the platform. Anjali was still pleading. Babuji was still staring at Raj. Rahul still had FML expression. Other people in the crowd too grabbed popcorns and Coke.

And suddenly, Anjali's dad let go off her saying, "Ja beti. Sirf Raj hi tujhe khush rakh sakta hai. Ja, jee le apni zindagi". Everyone was shocked. So was Anjali. But she started running towards Raj who extended his arm towards her. He shouted "I LOVE YOU". She shouted, "SAALE! PULL THE CHAIN YOU MORON". Raj did that and the train stopped. Anjali came running and stopped just near to him. They both looked at each other and smiled. They didnt kiss as they wanted to eat Chlormint first for fresh breath. But nevertheless, they were happy. They boarded the train together. Later TT fined Anjali for travelling ticketless but nevertheless, her fairytale had come true. She was with her prince charming …. finally.

And they lived happily ever after.....

As they say,



Cheers.......... hic !

Monday, November 22, 2010

THE ART OF BAK-CHODI (Bullshit) - PART 2



I will never understand why we all love bakchodi so much. Theres so much around and it aint gonna end (even subside) in near future. This post 'analyses' two such bakchodis - which are nothing better than Rakhi Sawant's speech at the United Nations on matters of nuclear proliferation.

(1) THE 'EXPERTS'

'Experts' are people who think they are better than anyone else because they know so much about their topic. The reality, however, is that they are a bunch of hypocritic bakchods who dont deserve even 0.23 seconds of my attention. And within the 'experts' community, the stock market / economy experts take bakchodi to ridiculous levels. These people have some 'set' sentences which they utter all the time and now will be analysed for their real meaning as follows:

What Stock Market / Financial expert (SMFE) says: Invest in stock XYZ. Its future is bright.
What he really means: Damn! I myself have invested in XYZ! I have to make it sound attractive come what may else am ass-fucked!

What SMFE says: ABC company has good fundamentals. I have talked to their higher management and they seem upbeat about future.
What he really means: Fuck! I couldnt even get appointment to see the gatekeeper of ABC company. But I will make it sound good as I have bought its stocks! Lord, save my ass please!

What SMFE says: The economy will bounce back / grow higher in 6 months.
What he really means: I am just guessing! Besides, whos gonna remember what I said after 6 months anyways? FTW!

The grand economic recession of 2008-09 which struck at the same time my MBA placements were to start was the proof that SMFEs just guess everything and are utterly useless. The basic point is that these SMFEs dont know jack-shit about anything. They just pretend and earn millions for doing nothing. In this way, its a dream job and thats why they should be respected - for being the biggest weasels around!

Hats off to you fuckin morons!

(2) RECENT BARKHA DUTT , VIR SANGHVI etc AUDIO TAPE CONTROVERSY

If 2G scam wasnt enough, now comes the journalists' audio tapes controversy in which a PR professional, Nira Radia has been found talking to top journos like Barkha, Vir sanghvi etc. and the transcript hints at a possible media-politics-corporate nexus to install A Raja as the telecom minister.

Now, Bakchodi regarding any issue cant get bigger than this. Did we really think that journos are noble souls out to make India a better place? Frankly, whoever did really believe this needs to undergo a brain installment surgery - FAST! And in any case, this so called scandal is nothing infront of the 'Paid news' scam.

But you cant beat the netizens of our country in bakchodi. Within minutes of the scam breaking out, our "facebook and twitter activists" sprung into action. "I hate Barkha dutt" etc pages were created within seconds and 1000s became 'members' within a jiffy. Everyone wrote fancy stuff like "These people are corrupt" or "hang them" etc etc on twitter and FB and considered their responsibilities over. Frankly speaking, just as 24000+ followers on "I hate khap panchayats" wont stop those old frustrated dudes from killing young lovers; such 'internet activism' wont take us anywhere. It will always be a bakchodi and remain a convenient form of 'protest' for some dude/chick who loves Rang De Basanti and THINKS (only thinks, no action) he should really do something for the nation.

Lord save us from bakchodi ..........

Cheers . . . . . . . .