Friday, February 14, 2014

ARVIND KEJRIWAL'S LOVE LETTER

What happened when Arvind Kejriwal wrote a love letter to his crush during college on Valentines Day ? We dont know that but we do have that letter. Read on : 

Dear Sonia,

I was sitting on a dharna outside JNU the other day opposing the opening of Nescafe stand at the campus and I happened to look at you. Instantly, I knew that I am in love! It was Love at first dharna !!

I started following you and eventually I filed an RTI to know your name and other information. So, here I am writing this love letter. But before that, I have some disturbing news for you. Because of RTI, I also found out that your dad has an illegal drugs business. So, I will be exposing him soon. But dont worry. Atleast he wont meddle into our 'affair'  *wink* *wink*.

You know Sonia, nowdays, my besties - Kumar and Somnath (fondly known as 'Batman') tease me so much. I get all mushy and blushy whenever I think about you. Also, my 'coughing frequency' increases to 150 per minute and my heart beat to 250 per minute. That other day, I followed you to ladies washroom also. You must be remembering? I was the same guy who was getting beaten up by many ladies just outside that washroom.  When Somnath intervened, some big Ugandan ladies beat him too. I think he has started hating them now.

I want to send you a gift. But dont know what to give you. How about a sweet teddy bear which shouts 'Mujhe chaiye Swaraj' whenever you hug it?



Sonia, will you go out on a date with me? We will head out to India Gate where we will have a candlelight march. And then, dinner at 'Aam aadmi dhaba'? Please say yes otherwise I will sit on a dharna outside your home too. I will also unleash Kumar's idiotic poems on you.

Please remember, I love you very much. If you say yes, I will give you 700 litres of free coffee every month. Also, I will reduce your mobile bills by 50%.

Waiting for your yes, sweetheart.

Yours,

My name is Kejriwal and I am NOT a cong / BJP agent.

Monday, April 15, 2013

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS TRYNG TO KILL YOU !


Back after an whole year - life's shittiest year but I got out of it alive and am back children! So, my logical question is - Does anyone still reads this?? Damn! But anyways, I am awesome so I am sure my 'fans' (all 3 of them) wouldnt have forgotten me :) .

Getting back to the post -

Are you in a relationship right now? If you arent, God bless you. If you are .. and you are a guy - God save your sorry ass! Read this and if your answer to most of the points is a resounding 'Yes', you are fucked! Big time!

What I am about to reveal is a very dark secret. The following points can be identified with a lot of girlfriends but I shall reveal how they are actually a PLOY to highly stress you out and watch you die! Sit back and read... if you dont have a weak heart.

Enjoy:

1) SHE CALLS OFTEN AND TALKS RANDOM SHIT

She calls everyday or worse, more than 1 time a day. And she talks the most random shit possible such as the number of flowers on her new awesome dress. Or may be how she went to a mall with her friends, clicked some pics in the loo (Everytime!) and wants you to look at them.

If shes doing that and you increasingly feel that you are nothing more than her listener dog, BEWARE! Its a fuckin ploy! She wants to turn you into a freaking Zombie who will just listen and listen and listen without ever applying brains or giving opinions or better still, speak.

Surely, shes trying to kill you!

2) SHE IS A "HIJACKER"

You have some issue and want to discuss with her? Something about her that irks you? Go on.. call her and say it. If she responds with "Hmm. Good you brought this up. I will work on it." - shes a damn keeper! But if her response is- "How can you say this? You only never understood me! Dont you know how much I love you?" - she is what I would like to call - a HIJACKER. One who hijacks YOUR issues and turn them into hers. Frankly, she should be complimented for having this vicious power. Ofcourse, if you are as dumb as a rabbit trying to fuck an elephant, you will fall for it and spend your whole time pacifying her.

The ploy is that she is using the "guilt trip" to make you feel bad about self. Once the seed is planted in your little brain, you will feel guilty even to think about some issue you have. Eventually, you'll stop thinking about your issues and become a numb ass. Notice how the word 'numb-ass' rhymes with dumbass. Yeah..same thing my boy. Same thing.

3) GETTING OFFENDED

You used to be funny. And sarcastic. And used to take life non-seriously. Well, if she tells you that its offensive, you are in for some tough luck!

Girls take life seriously. Very seriously! And you, being the smartass you are, will surely make a sarcastic comment on any of her "serious problem" someday. Now, if she replies with a smart and sarcastic answer, MARRY HER! But chances of that happening are less than those of Rakhi Sawant addressing the UN General Assembly on 15th August.

She will get offended. You will feel guilty about it. You will stop being a carefree, funny guy. And voila! You are screwed!

Remember, guys often use humor to de-stress themselves from all the bullshittery that happens around them in offices, homes, cricket stadiums etc. Not every guy can be as funny as the Disgruntled Genius here, but everyone has that funny streak. If the "art" of humor is taken away, guys are as interesting as the video of a panda eating leaves whole day on Nat Geo.

The ploy? You lose your humor, and eventually your life. And the day that happens, the only humor remaining in your life will be when your girlfriend is laughing at your stupidity and you join her in that.

4) HER IDOLS

Be very careful about the people he idolises. As a norm, every girl will idolise women of substance such as Kiran Bedi. Look for her "uncommon" idols.

For example, if a chick idolises Rahul Gandhi (for politics, not looks), start preparing a break-up strategy. Chances are she will keep on saying things about her idol and your counter-points will be dismissed (refer to the above points 2 & 3). You will have no choice but to "like" her idol. This will stifle you and put you under stress.

So, if her idol is Tushar Kapoor, it surely cant  be good for your heart!

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Science has proved that women live longer than men. But who knew that girlfriends actually deliberately work on a ploy to kill you off! I have revealed a dark secret here and will surely be attracting death threats from women organizations. But you........ SAVE YOURSELF!

Thank me later!

If I have left out some points, feel free to contribute.      






Thursday, April 5, 2012

THE ART OF LAZINESS & DOING "NOTHING"


First of all, its my blog's second anniversary. Two years ago, when I started, I didnt know how well I could write. Now after 2 years, I can safely say (very humbly) that

I AM BLOODY AWESOME! HELL YEA !

Anyhows, wouldnt have been possible without all my readers. Thanks to you people.

Now for today's post ..... The Art of Laziness / Doing 'Nothing'. Absolutely Nothing.

I generally dont understand why laziness is frowned upon. What can we achieve by constantly working our asses off 24 hours? Some people in private companies slog for 14-16 hours a day. Granted, they earn a cool pay but wheres the freakin time to spend the moolah? Anyhow, if theres one art we should all learn- its the art of doing nothing at all.

Doing 'nothing' is easy. There are no skills required. No qualification. No effort. Just a belief in yourself that it can be done. And if you want inspiration, just think of an idly lying crocodile during any afternoon.. these guys hardly move!

You just need to follow these golden steps towards the heaven of laziness:

1 >
Bow down to the God of Procrastination for only he can deliver the heavens! Procrastinate. Keep postponing your chores till deadline arrives. Finish them then. Whats the point of finishing them early anyway? Theres no charm.

2 >
Junk the obsession with "rewards". In corporate culture, people who work the hardest, are often given lollipops such as "Employee of the month" or "Employee of the year" or even "Best employee on the 2nd floor". But do these serve any purpose? Until & unless these so-called rewards are making hot chicks go nuts over you..they are useless. Finish chores right on time, not before. And junk the obsession with useless recognition(s).

3>
Think idle thoughts the whole day. Take inspiration from that kid in "Taare Zameen Par". Think of yourself as some kind of "special person" and wander off to imaginary lands full of chicks, food and Air-Conditioner. Come back only when work deadline approaches. Trust me.. greatest ideas come to you ONLY when you wander off.

4>
In the end, life is all about leisure. Who has seen tomorrow? We are all here for a short duration and we should enjoy it thoroughly. So, instead of rushing blindly through life..stop, sit down and laze off. It always works.

***

And well, as part of the 2nd anniversary 'package'; here are the links to the best-est over 2 years:


'Mahajan-Man' Series : 1 ,2 & 3 .


etc etc.

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CHEERS. HIC :)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

CBI : CONGRESS Bureau of Investigation.


So finally, elections to the states of Uttarakhand, Punjab, Goa, Manipur and most crucially, UP are over. Of these, UP elections are the ones that are being closely watched as this state has 403 assembly seats PLUS sends 80 MPs to the Lok Sabha in Delhi. Hence, UP elections are always a semifinal to the next general elections (2014 in present scenario).

[ CONGRESS BUREAU OF INV. SURELY]

Various Permutations and combinations are already being discussed; prominent among which is the talk of SP-Cong tie-up to form the state Govt. Now, according to exit polls, SP can form UP Govt on their own and wont need Cong and inturn wont act as a buffer against Mamata Bannerjee at the Center. Hence, in a possible use of CBI for its own needs, the Cong Govt at the Center has started arm-twisting BSP chief Mayawati so as to get her support... not for UP but for Center (as a buffer against Mamata Bannerjee). In this regard, this (Link here) happened yesterday.

This proves that.. in our country - JISKI CBI, USI KI BHAINS.










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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

SECRET DIARY OF SACHIN TENDULKAR

(This is a post I wrote for Campusghanta.com)

Aila ! What is happening? Sachin seems to have lost his mojo completely. He is looking like a man under tremendous pressure - all coz of the 100th ton. But what does the man himself have to say about it?

Disgruntled Genius caught hold of God's Secret Diary. Heres the latest entry :

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS REVEALS :

(Link Redirects to 'Campusghanta.com')

http://www.campusghanta.com/2012/02/27/the-secret-diary-of-sachin/

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Aila and Out !

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

HOW TO HANDLE ARRANGED MARRIAGE 'MEETINGS' ?


Meeting a stranger for an "Arranged Marriage Meeting".

We young Indians are familiar with this 'hellish' experience. Why hellish? Because its a waste of time really. Meeting creepy & irksome strangers when you know you dont wanna marry for time being can be ridiculously painful on the senses.



We all have asked the question - How to turn this hellish thing into a fun event (Disclaimer: Fun..only for you..not the other party *wink*) ? And have we found the answer? Majority of us havent. But I have. And thats why, as part of my social service campaign, I am proud to present:

HOW TO HANDLE THESE MEETINGS
(A Kickass 'Guide' by Disgruntled Genius)

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(1) COMPLETELY DERANGED ANSWERS

Never out of fashion. Imagine meeting some strange(r) chick. When she asks whether there will be any issue if she works after marriage, display an annoying happiness and reply - "Ofcourse not! Infact, I would want you to work. That way, I can quit my job and devote time to my passion of internet surfing!" There can be a whole lot of deranged answers (for both guys & chicks) which can be 'carpet-bombed' at the right time & moment. Some examples:

Do you know how to cook?
Ofcourse! Give me a packet of Maggi and watch me unleash the chef inside me!

No, I meant- can you cook proper food.. other than Maggi?
Na! But I am a keen observer. I can observe your mom cooking dinner whole day.. for years ;)

Beta, whats your salary?
Umm... Legal or illegal? Waise, if I combine these two, I earn enough to easily bribe everyone and work my way out of jail ;)

Do you drink or smoke?
-Ofcourse not! I dont drink or smoke. You see.... I drink AND smoke ;)

Acha, I drink occasionally. Will you have a problem with that after marriage?
- Only if I am not sloshed myself!

So, what are your hobbies?
- Am crazy about watching animals have sex on Animal Planet! Especially Elephants!
- I love clicking pictures of people in compromising positions. And I put them on FB. Its a gift.
- I have a fetish for objects that burn easily. Especially houses. BTW, Do you own a house?
- Singing. In bathrooms. Doesnt matter whose bathroom it is.

etc

You get the gist.

(2) SUPER BORING OR ANNOYINGLY CHIRPY

Be the extreme. Either be such a bore that other person would find a dead rabbit more entertaining than you. Or be such an annoying chirpy person that the other person would want to kill you.

(3) DANGEROUS CONFESSIONS

Always works. Confess to things that would make you look much more psychotic than Rakhi Sawant on drugs. For example:

-I used to be a psycho. I am OK now. Although the police is still scared of me.
- I have had several affairs. Equally distributed over various religions, castes... and species.
- I used to be a serial killer. I got bored as police couldnt find a clue against me! I am OK now.

(4) CREEPY BEHAVIOR

Always the best! For example:

-Keep staring at a wall while the other person talks. Tell them you think its the wall that leads to Hogwarts.. Harry Potter style ;)

-When alone with the person, constantly interrupt them to 'answer' imaginary questions. Tell them that you are talking to your invisible 'friend' side-by-side.

-Keep reminding the other person that the world will end on 21st Dec 2012 according to the Mayans.

A variation of the creepy behavior is the super cheesy behavior. Works best for guys. Keep staring at the girl in Prem Chopra style. Tell her that your favorite 'hero' is Prem Chopra. Narrate some Prem Chopra dialogues like "Agar tumhe bhagwaan ke liye chor doonga toh main kya karoonga?"

You get the gist.

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While the above steps will surely invite some scolding from your folks, trust me, they will add some spice to the meeting.

So go out and enjoy selves.

An important message for girls though:
Have fun. Follow these steps. Be happy. And thank me by mailing me or 'twittering' your numbers. All part of the social service initiative by Disgruntled Genius ;)

C H E E R S

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Other 'marriage' posts:


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Friday, February 10, 2012

7 BETTER THINGS TO DO THIS 14TH FEB

Heres a post I wrote for 'Campusghanta' - an online conglomeration of lazy 'crusaders against stupidity'.

7 Better Things to Do this Valentine's Day:

( Link )

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Disclaimer: Not for the overtly romantic Karan Johar-ish type souls. May disturb them mentally ;)